The Lion King In Bow Tie

President John Kufour of Ghana is entertained at the White House during his three day visit.

Ain't that presidential?

And when will Kibaki ever be invited anywhere? Even Moi used to fly out once in a while…you know making us proud with his scrappy 'English' and coming back with cow feed. Although Kalonzo was received and hosted by obscure assistant ministers and sub chiefs in Beijing, at least he flew the Kenyan flag. As for Raila, even though he's a perennial pest at the Obama residence in Chicago, he's read some good speeches in a few places.

While world leaders wine and dine for the benefit of their countries, Kibaki is sitting on a stool under a mango tree in the State House back yard.

What I'm asking is this, when was the last time a Kenyan political leader made you feel proud?

Fellas, if we leave it up to these mad men (no offence to real mental patients) masquerading as leaders, we will reduce our status to equal countries like Chad or Equatorial Guinea (no intended offense to Chadians or Equatorial Guineas).

Ida Odinga Has Done The Right Thing

While we cannot underestimate Kalonzo Musyoka's household need for that extra Ksh. 400,000.00 (somebody has to pay for that honey bee keeping project on his farm) we must continue encouraging Pauline to follow suit. In fact, we must ask Lucy Kibaki to refund the millions of shillings she has pocketed...courtesy of our paychecks. Lazima arudishe pesa zetu. I mean, when was the last time we heard or read about Lucy's grand cash donation to any women's/children organization? You see, that is the excuse these top-dog wives have been using…..ati they need state taxpayer funds to hold harambees and host delegations on behalf of the country. Nonsense!!

What I fail to understand is why we continue to allow these 'leaders' to continue fleecing us. Here we are today funding a bloated cabinet alongside fantastic MP salaries while the majority of us who cannot eat sukuma-wiki for an entire week resort to boiled leaves from wild bushes. For proteins we swallow mushrooms. If you go to Turkana district, you will find sovereign Kenyan folk eating juicy cactus and paying exorbitant taxes to feed and cloth our MPs, their several wives and their rugby-playing, carnivore-going, national-school-backdoor-entry children. Mpaka lini?

Kenyans, we must rise up….especially when it comes to our money. Mexico City has seen its populous demonstrate against high insecurity. Is there any explanation why Kenyans cannot demonstrate against exorbitant taxes? Other than eating NGO money, what is the responsibility of civil societies?

My friends, it’s a trickle down effect. To sustain and increase the girth size of our MPs pot bellies, businesses are paying unwarranted taxes and consequently cannot afford to employ the youth. It is these unemployed youth who join banned sects then go around slashing the foreheads of other jobless Kenyan folk. In the meantime, Lucy Kibaki is purchasing blueberry pancakes and fried eggs at Wimpy….with our tax money.

Our proudest moment is captured when we see that Kenyan flag draped E-class Mercedes Benz dropping off our beautiful high school girls in the middle of the night. "Bendera imefika!" we shout in delight.

Fellas, when it comes to wifely salaries, I'm just pissed off.

In Proud Support Of Omar Al-Bashir

In line with the African Union.

The chairman of the African Union Commission, a Mr. Ping, has pretty much purchased a good quality rope, handed it to the International Criminal Court and politely requested it to go hang itself. This after visiting the lavish gold-tiled presidential palace of Sudan; precisely the abode of a most wanted criminal, Omar al-Bashir.

Now, I have never been to Darfur but I hear that our blackest of 'bradas' are being bludgeoned to death by the Janjaweed under the remote controlled supervision of Omar al-Bashir, a man accused of war crimes, genocide and an assortment of crimes against humanity by the ICC. Well of course the situation on the ground is more complex but for our purposes, let us visit the AU's decision to chastise the ICC for issuing a warrant to arrest al-Bashir….even if the backdrop includes Darfuri infants being split in two parts.

Why do we Africans choose to respect (fear) our leaders/older generation so much? Why are we so powerless to address the abuses and excesses heaped upon us by our political leaders? As a whole, we black Africans have succumbed to the lowest level of supreme idiots. We are competing with sheep to see who's more sillier. How can we be so silent and very impotent when it comes to doing what is right in Darfur. So the ICC, with much evidence and fortitude, identifies and then indicts a murderous leader who has killed hungry weather-beaten African boys and girls for sport….and what do we do?.....like a jukebox choir, we cry foul in continental unison. Folks, those who do not condemn violence condone it.

In the case of Kenya, we are also going to bed with the Chinese so we cannot just start shouting curse words at Sudan. But what of other African countries? Yaani these so called leaders are just seated somewhere when a fella is exterminating a substantial portion of his citizens.

Why are we so gallant and courageous in our fight to win the Nobel prize in ineptitude?

Poor Barrack Hussein Obama

After roaming up and down Europe in a serious bid to illustrate his international credentials, our favorite son is only leading by 5%. If the elections were held tomorrow, Hussein would loose terribly. Especially if you recognize the fact that white voters usually lie when responding to poll questions in contests where a black candidate is facing one of their own. The other known fact is that a very high percentage of blacks who respond to polls will definitely not vote….if history is anything to go by. Most Kenyans will be pulling doubles so they wont vote. Things are tough folks. Some reputable political analysts have opined that Barrack must be ahead at the polls by 15-20% for him to win the vote by 2-3%.

So what are these Americans trying to teach Kenyans when they reject Barrack? Here we are listening to Condoleezza Rice and trying to emulate every aspect of American democracy, music, style, way of life etc… and they turn around and reject our progeny. Hii ni mambo gani bwana?

How much harder must our guy try? I mean, how can Obash anticipate loosing to a guy who will most likely die in office due to very bad health. Our friend's campaign kitty is over twice that of McCain but he's still being received shabbily. Currently, the political correct reason for anti-Obamaism seems to boil down to his inexperience. The bolder player haters have even started talking about the wife's un-presidential qualities. Some are saying charisma and handsomeness (kama ya Kalonzo) is not going to fix the economy and stop the war in Iraq.

This is what I say; if Obama looses, it will be because the election will have been rigged. I will demonstrate in Washington DC and throw stones relentlessly…or until Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran is called in to mediate the power sharing talks between Obama and McCain. Kenyans must be prepared to send the holy and magnificent cardinal Njue to help in coalition talks. You see, our boy is a Kenyan and he must act like a Kenyan. The way I see it, when the time comes, he should not accept anything less than royal executive premiership with imperial leadership in congress plus chairmanship in the supreme court. No bill shall become law without our (or is it 'his') signature.

What do you say?

Please Do Not Marry Fat Pot-Bellied White Women!!

.......why Githongo must come back home very fast.

We are all aware of the thousands upon thousands of able Kenyan men who cannot resist marriage to very fat white women when they are in pursuit of makaratasi. I'm sure some of you reading about this phenomena are victims of the same. The plan is usually to avoid any children for the two or three years it takes to receive that precious document. Unfortunately, some of these extra wide voluptuous white women become very crafty and indeed end up producing one or two babies. Many Kenyans have reached that crossroad; do you stay and enjoy that extra white mattress of a woman for the rest of your life or do you take off knowing that you will pay child support for the next 18 years? In retrospect, many Kenyan men wish they had a referee in the bedroom to ensure that no unwanted goals were scored at all costs.

Folks, it is at this very timely moment in our history that we need 'Githongo the Referee'. It's my hope that this man heeds the PMs call to come back to Kenya. You see, in the coalition marriage between ODM and PNU, it is quite clear who the very fat pot-bellied white woman is. It is also clear who the do-what-it-takes Kenyan man is. My friends, If we are not careful, we will find ourselves with very many babies. These babies will continue to have names such as Anglo-Leasing, Goldenberg etc. If we allow this very bad behavior to happen, Kenyans will have no option but to pay child support bills for very many years. Our paychecks will be garnished by the taxman until we are very old men and women.

I will remind you that we have recently paid child support bills in blood. Yes fellas, the post election violence, land disputes etc was actually a backdated child support bill resulting from the children brought into this world by our married post colonial leaders (the ones who stole all the land).

The way I see it, we need 'Githongo the Referee' to be in the State House bedroom at all hours. We need him there to ensure that this coalition marriage does not get too cozy and comfortable. Githongo must ensure that the bedroom lights remain brightly lit…...even at night. We need Githongo to thwart any efforts or schemes that will lead to fat white women with pregnant bellies. He must make sure that no champagne or changaa is drunk in the bedroom because we all know where that leads to.

For the love of country, Githongo must accept to be the prophylactic that prevents the conception and delivery of corruption.

Otherwise, babies will continue popping out very rapidly….as in the case when you make popcorn from scratch.

Death Of Democracy In Africa

Welcome Coalition Governments

I suppose some will presume that anyone opposed to the current trend in African elections (formation of GNUs) is a person who would rather see blood spilt. Morgan Tsvangirai has termed his agreement to begin peace talks with Mugabe as historic. This is a great opportunity for peace and possible continuance of governance in Zimbabwe. All Kenyans acting prudently must by now know what is just about to happen; Morgan will become prime minister and commandeer half of the cabinet.

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In Kumekucha today Tuesday July 22nd: Will those awful stretch marks mess up your relationship?
Small business tips: Technique to grow your money quickly
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While it is true that GNUs did not originate in Kenya, we must still decorate Kibaki for being the father of all modern day African coalitions. His reluctance to change and ability to silence democracy has greatly energized this new phenomena. It is indeed his playbook that will be studied and repeated throughout the continent. Going forward, the order of the day is precisely coalition governments.

Yes folks, the short-lived African political democracy experiments are over and dead. Oh how industrious we are; we have taken democracy with all it's time tested facets of fairness and liberty, added our own greed and thievery and consequently creating our very own political system i.e. coalition governance. In this type of governance, the people vote and all opposing sides win. It does not matter if one gets 10%, you can still be Vice President. While, as Mugabe aptly puts it, the incumbent must always remain President, the actual winner becomes Prime Minister.

Outside of the impending SA elections and under the current developments, I do not foresee any other African incumbent president accepting genuine defeat at the ballot. It's over folks.

That said, there's not much wrong with our new system. In the case of Zimbabwe, loss of life has been greatly reduced and peace will indeed prevail. In the Kenyan version, the citizens are appeased for the most part. We still have a long way to go but most of the displaced are back in their homes while the assaulters are in jail and will face the law. We have set up commissions to investigate the election, violence etc. So it's all good.. right? Peace has returned and as we have seen with the Grand Regency, business is back to normal. We will wait until the next election to perpetuate thorny issues like constitutions, majimbo, land reforms etc. What do we care right now when we can sleep at night without the fear of the arsonists.

Really folks, there's a lot of things wrong with western democracy. I mean, the vote count, even in the USA, is not usually accurate. Trying to instill such, possibly flawed, principles into the African way of life is prone to disaster. So why not change the constitution to condone coalition governments going forward.

Kenyans Attacked In SA !! KIBAKI IS TO BLAME

Kibaki must be held accountable for the attacks meted out on Kenyans in SA. He is 100% to blame.

We all know that these attacks on foreigners are mainly aimed at the millions of unskilled Zimbabwean workers surviving at the bottom ranks of South African society. These are the people who are stealing jobs that would otherwise go to South Africans of the same poverty status and skill level. Kenyan businessmen and professionals are just being caught up in the crossfire. There would be no problem if Zimbabwean workers stopped flooding South African low skill job sites.

I have been told that practically millions of Zimbabweans were eagerly anticipating the opportunity to return to their country had Mugabe accepted the election loss. Jamaas had packed their housewares while bus and train tickets to Zimbabwe were sold out. A few confident chaps had even resigned from their low paying jobs in the gold mines. It was all systems go, until Mugabe graduated from Kibaki's university.

Here is where Kibaki comes in. You see, Mugabe chose to steal the elections, Kibaki-style, under the strict guidance and advise from Kibaki himself. The postal workers have reported that Kibaki's congratulatory letter to Mugabe was on the way to Zimbabwe, five days prior to their election date.

The point is, without the election thieving example of Kibaki, Mugabe would have been very afraid to attempt such a travesty against the Zimbabwean people. Kibaki's determination not to be forcefully retired by the votes of Kenyan citizens encouraged and gave much confidence to Mugabe. To this day, Mugabe beams with immeasurable pride when he views the Doctoral Degree in Election Engineering awarded to him by Professor and Dean of Fraudulent Election Studies; Hon Kibaki.

Right now, Mugabe should be holed up in his palace carefully studying the latest catalog of Zimbabwean jails...with instructions to choose one. In turn, the millions of Zimbabwean workers in SA would be on their way back to their country thereby easing the competition for low skill jobs in SA. With the availability of 'their' jobs, South Africans would not see the need to hound foreigners out of their country. There would be no feelings of hate towards foreigners. It follows therefore that without the violence, Kenyans would be safe and doing brisk business as usual. Lakini, because of Kibaki, Kenyans in SA are in grave danger.

There you go folks. Those are the real ramifications of Kibaki's activities. The trickle down effect of his thievery is sure to affect Kenyans all over. The way I see it, Kibaki should stop advising other African presidents to do like he did. He should at the very least be mindful of Kenyans living in foreign lands. Fellas, every time incumbent presidents copycat Kibaki, Kenyans in those countries are bound to suffer.

Kibaki must shut down the University of Election Thievery…..esp. the statehouse road campus.

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Ladies Beware of Perverts!

Thanking The Stone Throwers and Road Barricaders

While totally leaving out the panga wielding head and limb decapitators, looters of radios and bread, title deeded land displacers, arsonists and everyone else who aimed a rock at anyone else other than the riot police or military, I too think it's about time we thank and congratulate the thousands of Kenyans who jammed the streets in protest of the stolen vote.

Were it not for these aggrieved folks who take their vote very seriously, we would be living in greater agony and misery today. While we cannot yet tell whether their sacrifices will bare true fruits of change, we must continue to tip our hats to them every time we pass them on the streets. Yes fellas, that's where they still are, on the streets; jobless, disillusioned and anxiously waiting for expeditious change.

When some of you thought the poll date was a public holiday for eating roasted poultry, some jobless fella from Kariobangi was sweating profusely while queuing under the sun waiting to exercise his most important democratic right.

When some of you crawled under your mahogany king sized beds at the sound of a gun shot, a hungry warrior of democracy from Kibera was hauling a fist sized rock at the protectors of the status quo i.e. the police.

When some of you sat on plush comfortable sofa sets watching with glee as Kibaki stole the vote on HD TV, some hapless jamaa was receiving a thorough thrashing by GSU officers on the very grounds of KICC under the cover of darkness brought about by a very convenient power blackout.

When some of you, secure in foreign lands, shed crocodile tears to appease yourselves, some youngsters were busy tearing down the railway lines that feed Uganda, a country led by a supporter of despots.

You see, civil disobedience and public expression of anger at political excesses are some of the cornerstones of democracy. Kenyans must be free to shout their lungs out and vent until their heads explode…at every opportunity. Violence and anarchy directed at fellow citizens solely because of their opposing political persuasion must be discouraged by all means, however, it must be encouraged if directed towards emerging despotic regimes conjured up in the lush backyard of one big white house on State House Road. To say no to such wild backyard shenanigans safeguards the legacy of all those who sacrificed their lives for a better Kenya. Yes folks, Kenya does have heroes. To have accepted the topping up of vote results at KICC without throwing a few stones here and there would have confined their deaths to vain.

I know most of you subscribe to the peaceful principals of Mahatma Gandhi and Dr. Martin Luther King…but truth be told, even the Dalai Lama himself could have caught a bullet in the corridors of State House during those tumultuous weeks. We all witnessed the shabby treatment meted out on some international visitors of goodwill. The creativity of some phrases used to terrify the ambassadors of peace still baffles me today. People like Desmond Tutu technically fled the country vowing never to return. Now, here's a man of God who's been running away from apartheid's rubber bullets for many years... only to visit Kenya in peace and be forced to sprint past the JKIA terminals like a cat on fire towards his emergency one way flight back to South Africa. Wasn't peace given a chance?

The frankness of the matter is that violence eventually breeds peace. Whether or not this is the type of peace we envisioned is a debate for another day. At times it feels like some of our warriors of democracy died so that a few monkeys can become ministers.

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Kibaki's Impending Billion Shilling IDP Resettlement Crisis.

Kibaki has been telling us that his government has set aside billions upon billions of Kenyan shillings for the purposes of resettling IDPs. Fat checks will be distributed to a segment of our population who were suddenly and violently impoverished in the aftermath of a stolen election, jealousy, historical injustices, land issues, war mongering etc. The recipients of these monies may use it to rebuild their lives, homes and businesses.

Any astute Kenyan citizen privy to the daily unending struggles being relived in IDP camps must agree that it is indeed prudent to financially assist our fellow brothers and sisters achieve some kind of pre-election normalcy. It is such welfare programs that identify progressive governments. It is in fact the duty of any government to ensure and protect the sanctity and continuity of life after natural and man-made calamities. All humane taxpayers must support and approve the endeavor to save our little innocent girls from the rape and mayhem associated with life in the IDP camps scattered all over the country.

Now back to Kenya. Sadly, most of us are currently preoccupied with arguments of whether or not IDPs should be welcomed back to their homes without local consultations. What of the sanctity of title deeds? Historical injustices? So who are IDKs? Constant security? These are all important questions that must be debated, however, we are neglecting the one billion dollar question that is bound to alienate our displaced folks to perpetuity.

The way I see it, while land and death are extremely emotional issues, neither is more explosive than money. Yes folks, money is the common denominator. We may have a government with progressive ideas but I wonder how progressive the minds of it's citizens really are. A time is coming when the fat checks will start trickling down to the freshly resettled neighbors. Now we all agree that 99.9% of the IDPs are GEMA related. Even if the other 0.1% got double doses of IDP cash, the perception among other Kenyans is obvious.

My intention is not to excite emotions, rather it is to prepare you for the coming years of increased resentment. Stories of how Kibaki stole the elections with intentions of pumping billions upon billions of taxpayer monies to Kikuyus will never end….especially if this money is used wisely to further increase the domination of the economy. People will easily forget the burning of citizen in churches and instead dwell on the brand new shiny mabati roofs spotting the Rift Valley scenery. For understandable security reasons, tribal gated communities may even prop up in some areas. Of course there are other underlying issues, such as why the money should go through Equity Bank or who will steal what at what time.

Picture this: For assorted reasons, Kiptanui violently evicts his neighbor Kamau, taking over his partially burnt house and land. A couple of months down the line, Kiptanui is arrested and jailed as Kamau is resettled and given enough money to put up a semi permanent home with shiny mabati roofs. The remaining cash is used to educate Kamau's children and possibly start a prosperous matatu business. In the meantime, the Mungiki leader is released as Kiptanui continues to rot in prison. While in prison, Kiptanui's wife secures a housemaid job in Kamau's prosperous household. Here, she is made to eat while seated on the kitchen floor as she's reminded of the evils of her husband and the fact that her kids cannot afford education. Time goes by and the police believe that Kiptanui has learnt his lesson. He's then released. A few weeks later Kiptanui and Kamau meet at the market and in the spirit of coalition, they hug and pretend to forget past injustices. It's obvious that Kiptanui is twenty times worse off financially while Kamau, despite loosing a few relatives, is ten times richer. Naturally, as Kiptanui sits on a stool under his leaky grass thatched hut, he sharpens his arrows in readiness for the next opportunity. This time, he'll take over a mabati roofed house. Kamau on the other hand keeps vigil armed with an arsenal of the best firearms money can buy. Having been given a second chance at life, he's well aware a third one will never come.

Now multiply that story by about a million times. Is it possible to permanently appease both Kamau and Kiptanui? Is Kibaki (and Raila) expected to provide guidance and can he do so with gusto?

It's my sincere hope that we choose the progressive way and allow our friends to be resettled in peace.

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The Good Thing About Fat Kenyan Donkey MPs.

First of all it's Monday. The number of those nursing alcoholic hangovers is higher than those who remember the exact biblical scripture delivered by the pastor this past Sunday. How about starting the week on a lighter note?

We all begin nursery school with outlandish dreams of becoming the next Bill Gates or Dr. Manu Chandaria. Indeed, only a fraction of us look forward to fitting the shoes of Mahatma Gandhi or Nelson Mandela. By the time you finish high school, the future you have crafted for yourself is usually pretty obvious. You just might be on the fantastic verge of joining Kamangu the cobbler. You might also be a few years from corporate opulence, high society and sausage for breakfast. Those who fall in between will, mostly unsuccessfully, spend their midlife trying to get ahead whichever which way, even if it means backyard chicken farms in the city. The point is, we always aspire to be richer...like so and so. In fact, your worst enemy is that workmate or neighbor who makes a measly 500 Kshs more than you. It's just human nature. You cannot stomach that neighbor with a DVD player; you cannot wait to steal the remote control when you visit..... anything to frustrate him or her is a good thing.

Needless to say, those with money inspire those without. I therefore proclaim fat jet set monied MPs an important source of inspiration to starving villagers and two cent slum dwellers?

FACT: If your MP consistently visits your constituency projects on a donkey drawn cart, none of your nursery school going kids would aspire to ride on anything but a donkey.

Coming Soon: The Grand Regency Hotel IPO.

As far as I'm concerned, yesterdays' newspapers should have carried headlines proclaiming Kenya's' victory against corruption. Yes folks, headlines such as; HAIL RINGERA, THE CORRUPTION KILLER!! or KACC BITES PASTOR PAUL. Fellas, the government of the duly elected president Mwai Kibaki has confiscated the luxurious, albeit unkempt, Grand Regency Hotel.

So why is nobody praising Ringera with shouts of jubilation as he basks in the glory of impounding the corruptly acquired Grand Regency? I can think of three reasons; (1) Kenya is currently too polarized to recognize any good from this chap. We would have probably seen grand headlines were his name Ali or Abdullah. (2) Kenyans are genetically preprogrammed to be conspiracy theorists. We all know that Ringera's effort, including the decade long court battle, is part of a vicious secret plan that comes full circle when TranCentury buys the over 2.1 billion shilling hotel from the government for about 200 million shillings. Oh yes, the plan was conceived even before Goldenberg happened. (3) Too little, too late.

Questions: Are we so determined to suppress anything marginally successful related to Kibaki and his PNU folk?

Just In Case

Folks, today I have some pertinent questions. Pertinent questions my brothers and sisters, pertinent questions.

When Raila meets Kibaki for one of those one-on-one closed door affairs, are both men thoroughly checked for firearms and other assorted miniature weaponry or cutting edge poisons (the kind that can be transmitted via a handshake)? Is the element of trust between these two men stronger than their obvious devious desires to see each other six feet under?

What would happen if lets say, one of these fellows suffered a big-bang version of a heart attack behind those closed doors? Will the other scream for help or offer CPR....or will he wait for a few 'important minutes' to pass by before alerting emergency authorities? Based on the deep political, tribal, economic and social divisions in Kenya today, is anyone prepared for that pricey state funeral? You know, the type where the casket is pulled by well groomed horses. What happens to Kenya in that aftermath?

The funny thing with death is that it has been known to sometimes unite broken families. In grief and robbed of a clear future, orphans have been known to burry the hatchet in preparation to facing the world in formidable unity. Are Kenyans ready for such an eventuality?...just in case i.e. Have we invested so much in these two people that we cannot see a future without them? How many of you still believe that Kenya will never be the same again? Some of us cannot wait to see Ruto receive a delivery of hot lead in the head while some are literarily having wet dreams on thoughts of Kibaki burning at the fiery stake. Are we honestly this intolerant? So Martha Karua cannot attend the burial of Ruto's dad? Yaani this thing is personal, eh!

Back to death and its delivery of constant surprises. Now that Mellitus Mugabe Were's death has, at the moment, lost political significance......just wait until the by-election date is announced, are we to take it that going forward, we should judge one's political power by the manner which news of his/her death is received? When Oyugi died, mourners were performing acrobatic somersaults while in tears within his palatial compound. Was he a great leader? When Ouko was killed, many lives followed him to the grave. Was that the weight of his clout? When JM went into perpetual hiatus, where was the public outrage? Was his death 'understandable'? What of Dedan Kimathi and the mystery of the truly nondescript headstone. If his bones are truly important to the history of this country, can the 'Kenya DNA office' do some justice? The reality is that there's a bunch of Kenyans who are ready to voluntarily perform the old Egyptian death ritual. You do remember that Pharaohs were typically buried alongside their entire living household.....including the sheep and camels.

What I'm trying to say is simply this; hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Some of us are anxiously awaiting an opportunity to publicly display our deranged capabilities/personalities. Yes folks, to some of you, the worst headline news of the century will be the one that announces a cabinet line up where either PNU or ODM is seen as having conceded too much. Well, there's exactly two possible 'worser' headlines.

Viva!! Okoiti Omtata

I know you are all eagerly awaiting the new cabinet lineup with great anticipation. Whether the list is fair or representative is an argument that will last us the next two weeks. Whether the new list is a win/loss for PNU/ODM or Raila/Kibaki is a fight that is just about to begin.

As we embark on further fracturing our country based on the impending cabinet list, please remember those who have paid the ultimate price. On a lighter note, please keep Omtata in mind. Whatever direction the country takes, it should be to appease none other than Omtata, a professional who joined the regular folk on the streets (unlike most of you who vegetated on the keyboard) without fear.

Folks, this is a man of unchained valor and incredible light body weight. A man who vehemently displayed great defiance even when walking on thin air.

Aluta Continua!!

Update by Kumekucha
I salute you Omtata, bado mapabano, the 2nd republic is not here yet.

But you my brother have proved that just one person can make a difference.

I take off my hat to you.

-Kumekucha on behalf of the voiceless masses of Kenya many of whom are still in IDP camps-

FULL TEXT OF COALITION AGREEMENT

ACTING TOGETHER FOR KENYA: AGREEMENT ON THE PRINCIPLES OF PARTNERSHIP OF THE COALITION GOVERNMENT.

Preamble:
The crisis triggered by the 2007 disputed presidential election has brought to the surface deep-seated and long-standing divisions within Kenyan society. If left unaddressed, these divisions threaten the very existence of Kenya as a unified country. The Kenyan people are now looking to their leaders to ensure that their country will not be lost.

Given the current situation, neither side can realistically govern the country without the other. There must be real power-sharing to move the country forward and begin the healing and reconciliation process.
With this agreement, we are stepping forward together, as political leaders, to overcome the current crisis and to set the country on a new path. As partners in a coalition government, we commit ourselves to work together in good faith as true partners, through constant consultation and willingness to compromise.

This agreement is designed to create an environment conducive to such a partnership and to build mutual trust and confidence. It is not about creating positions that reward individuals. It seeks to enable Kenya’s political leaders to look beyond partisan considerations with a view to promoting the greater interests of the nation as a whole. It provides the means to implement a coherent and far-reaching reform agenda, to address the fundamental root causes of recurrent conflict, and to create a better, more secure, more prosperous Kenya for all.To resolve the political crisis, and in the spirit of coalition and partnership, we have agreed to enact the National Accord and Reconciliation Act 2008, whose provisions have been agreed upon in their entirety by the parties hereto and a draft copy is appended hereto.

Its key points are:
* There will be a Prime Minister of the Government of Kenya, with authority to coordinate and supervise the execution of the functions and affairs of the Government of Kenya.

* The Prime Minister will be an elected member of the National Assembly and the parliamentary leader of the largest party in the National Assembly, or of a coalition, if the largest party does not command a majority.

* Each member of the coalition shall nominate one person from the National Assembly to be appointed a Deputy Prime Minister.

* The Cabinet will consist of the President, the Vice-President, the Prime Minister, the two Deputy Prime Ministers and the other Ministers. The removal of any Minister of the coalition will be subject to consultation and concurrence in writing by the leaders.

* The Prime Minister and Deputy Prime Ministers can only be removed if the National Assembly passes a motion of no confidence with a majority vote.

* The composition of the coalition government will at all times take into account the principle of portfolio balance and will reflect their relative parliamentary strength.

* The coalition will be dissolved if the Tenth Parliament is dissolved; or if the parties agree in writing; or if one coalition partner withdraws from the coalition.

* The National Accord and Reconciliation Act shall be entrenched in the Constitution.Having agreed on the critical issues above, we will now take this process to Parliament. It will be convened at the earliest moment to enact these agreements. This will be in the form of an Act of Parliament and the necessary amendment to the Constitution.

We believe by these steps we can together in the spirit of partnership bring peace and prosperity back to the people of Kenya who so richly deserve it.

Kenya In The Cauldron Of Evil

"There is evil in the world and evil must be confronted". Those were the words of George W. Bush...…after visiting one of the numerous Rwandan museums that loudly testify what black Africans can do to each other in a relatively short period of time. I say 'loudly' because here, you will not find pictures, videos or curators explaining what really happened; No! In these museums, you will actually view the lime treated incomplete structures of bones and skulls from previous Rwandan human life forms. I have been there.. so I know …so I saw.

So what is the relevance of such verbiage in Kenya today? Well, one might wonder why the 'duly' elected president of Kenya has not mouthed any tense suggestive or equal to the blood that has found its escape via the blocked trenches that crisscross Nairobi, Nakuru, Kisumu, Naivasha and other Kenyan cities and towns. While it's true that the spillage of bright red human blood has been confined to areas where the majority does not show any affection for the purported presidency, it is also true that in denying the existence of the Kenyan socio-political crisis, the very presidency chooses to ignore the plight of those whose lives have been directly affected by the imposition of a clearly illegitimate governing apparatus that craves identity as the absolute Kenyan governance authority. Karua's excerpts of Kenya being sovereign does not apply. Wetangula's puppetry assertions that coalition governance is not in play does not apply. Mutula's insistence on following the 'constitution' of course does not apply. I say this because evil has manifested itself in the pronouncements of anything PNU. This at a time when folks are sitting quietly in the hope that they will see the daylight of tomorrow. I'm not kidding, a thousand or so souls have come out yelling for democratic peace and never saw the next day.

In circles of great denial, the above paragraph may be construed as biased and to the most extreme, unfounded. With that, I want to vehemently accept the existence of views supportive of the current 'government'. While I will not go as far as intimate that those views are anywhere close to reality, I appreciate that there in fact exists a different point of view. The point of view that Kibaki won fairly and squarely. The point of view that all qualms must be resolved in Kenyan 'courts'. The point of view that suggests that anything agreeable towards a coalition government must be available within the current constitution.

This is the point where President Bush's utterances become relevant. At what point is a lie an evil that must be confronted? If Kibaki won, may he be blessed with the opulence reserved for the prince of light; if he clearly stole, may he diminish to the status of a ravenous rat. If Kibaki truly believes that Kenya will see great strides and success under the current constitution that he so much supports (even though he was at the forefront of discarding it a few years ago) then may the heavens open and shower him with trinkets of love and peace; if not, may he be unable to tell the difference between fire and brimstone.

To say that evil has engulfed the minds and beings of Kenyans today is an understatement. In 2002, I could match into heaven equipped with the knowledge that every Kenyan desires change…and with that I would sit not so far from the lord himself. Today, were I to meet angel Gabriel with the same claims, I would be forsaken to the throws of hell. Those like me who have been repeatedly and I must add, involuntarily, confined within Central Police Station cells could tell you how desperately the judicial arm needs change, today some of my prior inmates would gladly go to jail. In fact those who cried when Matiba lost, are today singing loudest that the same demons that denied their man have descended on another one.

Kenyans, let us all confront the evil.

Kibaki's Prime Fear….

…..of a grand coalition.

The second Kibaki cedes a fraction of 'his' presidential powers to Raila, his ass is toast. First of all, based on the selective manner he has handled the post election violence, he will never be able to convince anyone that his partial surrender is purely for the interest of peace...for all Kenyans. Secondly, not only will he be proclaiming to the entire world that he indeed stole the election, he will also be raising the white flag in desperate anticipation for the safest possible exit. I think we all agree that if elections were to be held outside of an year, Kibaki will not be on the ticket. Lastly, I'm not quite sure Kibaki has it in him to share a stage with Raila. As I've said before, any power sharing arrangement has to be sold to the people...which pretty much means joint public peace rallies. I need not say more.

Of course the other causes of Kibaki/PNU headaches include oversight and scrutiny in everything from allocation of government contracts, government appointments, review of future IPOs and the like; things that the current and previous retinue of Kibaki handlers are not necessary welcoming with warm open arms. While I appreciate that some characters have absolved Kibaki of his sins and will go to the trenches of war with him, I cannot understand how they will perceive his concessions... if any. There's a school of thought that suggests it's about time Kibaki metamorphosed into the Moi of 1982. That for government continuity, he should go about detaining folks like Okoiti Omtata, Maina Kiai, Wangari Maathai and Wafula Buke. That it is Raila's turn to live in Sweden writing books and poems of freedom. That the spoils of war must not be shared (it actually was a war my friends). That the army must reflect the people in power. Oh please Kibaki do not forsake us! Do not let go. I'm not quite sure why I brought that up but it appears that may be Kibaki's only option in the failure of a safe exit.

The next most neglected and least discussed source of prime fear is parliament. It is fair to say that 'false until proven claims' of Ruto financing atrocities in the Rift Valley hasn't endeared the party to some. Government media reports of ODM encouraging and endorsing violence has had some effects; even internationally. That as it is, all Kenyan voters acknowledge that PNU was and is still out to demonize Raila and ODM (remember the text messages). Sometimes, the purveyor of negative political campaigns ultimately suffers the backlash. So what's my point? Should peace and normalcy ensue as a result of a power sharing formula it will be because ODM has inched closer to power (like the people wanted) and not because PNU has partially conceded for the sole sake of peace. Outrageous as it sounds, please expect the defection of PNU mps to the ODM camp. Don't laugh yet; you see, power sharing may also mean subjecting Kalonzo to the periphery (where he belongs) thereby dismantling the current PNU arrangement. Also, it may not be wise or safe for some MPs to remain in PNU depending on where they come from. That PNU will be reduced to CPK (Central Kenya Party) is a foregone conclusion. In effect, Odinga anywhere near power means death to PNU.

These are just tit bits of what PNU has to contend with. The reality is that some of these folks spend sleepless nights with their passports under their pillows; ready to dash to foreign lands at the sound of the national anthem opening parliament with Raila an 'equal' to Kibaki.

Well, that's the rosy part. Now for the road leading to fire and brimstone. ODM/Raila has no option but to come out of these negotiations with 'true goods'. If all he gets is a cabinet position, no matter how serious, even I will cross over to KENDA. They must also not exude the arrogance associated with PNU. While a 50/50 arrangement towards peace and fresh elections is a win for many Kenyans, ODM must not be seen as gloating...the kicks of a dying PNU are the most dangerous. Further, for this thing to work, Kenyans must come together.

So long for the dream. Reality checks reveal that Kibaki historically does not honor any agreement. He is not a gentleman. With such evidence, ODM must pursue constitutional legitimacy on anything agreed on...especially if Kibaki appends his signature with his left hand.

Peace For Kenya……But Wait First.

In a profound state of highly spiritual consciousness; actually a few degrees below transfiguration, St. Augustine yelled, "Give me chastity but not yet!!". In the Kenyan quest for peace, the relevance of such hesitation is outstandingly evident. In unison, we scream, "Give us peace but not yet!!". First we want to see either Raila or Kibaki as president. No peace until our dead and displaced are appeased. Peace is only possible after ancestral land in the Rift Valley is returned to its rightful owners. We want peace but only under a new constitution. Peace is PNU. Peace is ODM.

In the meantime, anarchy ensues. Whereas some IDPs are living in conditions much better than their previous polythene Mungiki-taxed slum dwellings, most are trying not to get used to the daily Red Cross food rations; they realize resettlement in the slum means three or four meals of squalor per week. At this juncture, one cannot fathom the number of dead denied a proper and decent burial. Reality suggests that nondescript mass graves will continue dotting the Kenyan landscape until we find justice and peace…in that order. Only in Kenya can justice be the stumbling block to peace.

Like most, I want to believe that Kenya will rise up from the smoldering chaos with unbridled thirst to regain its composure. I hope that the weeks of mayhem be viewed as a serious case of democratic hiccup and nothing more. Mwangi and Atieno will grow up together in Eldoret, go to school in Kakamega, marry in Kiambu, settle in Mwingi and buy land in Kisumu. All the while, Kipruto will be living it up in Muranga as Kalonzo sells honey in Kitale without fear or intimidation. The continuity of that Kenyan lifestyle must be a priority. That we have lost everything is not an understatement. That we refuse to remain in the same status need not be an overstatement.

Folks, we must demand our lives back. I think we all agree that it is indeed unpatriotic to want a government based on the current constitution and institutions; the dismantling and reconstruction of both must be expeditious. We must appreciate that on our plate is an opportunity to change this country forever i.e. begin on a clean slate. Citizens from both sides of the political divide have been martyred, let their blood not have spilt in vain. Let us choose peace but first satisfy all its preconditions. Let us resolve all these issues to finality. There's no other way out of this quagmire. The question on why the Finance ministry is represented by one tribe can never be answered by the quip that they are all qualified. The question on why a particular tribe was targeted during the height of the skirmishes can never be answered by the quip that it was only political. Someone must pay for all the businesses and homes burnt and looted. The police must be explain why they killed demonstrators. Rift Valley militias must tell us who owns them. Mungiki must face justice. Kenya has changed folks. Let us embrace this change.

Kibaki and Raila must not raise up their jointed hands in a show of political peace while Kipchumba and Kimani are still squabbling about the validity of title deeds.

'Cut' And Skirts For All Kikuyu Women!!

A short open letter to Martha Karua.


Seriously Martha, where's the outrage. I seriously admire your courage in everything political. Yours is a beacon of hope to millions of women. While I understand you are currently embroiled in very serious talks, I would like to request that you use a bit of your clout to silence the uncouth male youths in Naivasha, Limuru and elsewhere. As you may have read in the newspapers, women are under siege from a notorious band of Mungiki folk. With all due respect to you, I will not divulge the 'adults only' details of the torment unleashed on women by these idiots, however, I will tell you that it is not a beautiful sight to witness; no matter how you look at it.

FIDA chairperson, Violet Awori has termed the unlawful acts as barbaric and of no place in modern society. The Limuru area Maendeleo Ya Wanawake chairperson, Ms Annsusah Wanjiku has also urged women to discard the habit of dressing indecently in public places. She has asked that they dress decently. As you know, none of these women leaders have the true wit and zeal to address this evil practice with the seriousness it deserves. In Kenya today, you are the only 'iron lady' who can change the thinking of these Mungiki folk in short order. You see, we have seen newspaper photos of you in tight pant suits. Many women would like to continue wearing such attire without fear or ridicule. As you well know, when it's cold and windy, the skirt just doesn’t cut it. Further, women feel more protected in trousers (if you know what I mean) especially when strolling in a town infested with idle snuff snorting citizens of the Satan's Abyss; who do not want Kikuyu women to enjoy the worlds favorite pastime.

You see, due to the great growth of the economy that did not really trickle down to the poor, the women in Limuru like elsewhere in Kenya, do not have the means to entertain lavish oversees trips, movies, bubble baths, chaffered limousines and the like; for entertainment they dwell on the acrobatics of the waist. Sasa wakiwa'cut', watajienjoy aje? In this age of bad diseases, you must also not ignore the serious health issues associated with the practices of jobless street surgeons. Think for one minute about the traumatizing experience this act must be to the affected women of Limuru. The anguish cannot be wished onto the devil himself.

I have also heard that this is happening in the full glare of the police. Please Martha, make some phone urgent calls. While I wholeheartedly encourage the women who demonstrated in Limuru town today, I wonder where their fellow non-Mungiki men were? Were they hiding in fear? I believe these are some of the evils that when perpetrated against the woman, the man cannot remain complacent….or impotent for that matter.

We fear that if these acts are not stopped in Limuru, they may spread like wildfire throughout the nation. Please dear madam Hon. Martha Wangari Karua, E.G.H., MP - Minister, come to the rescue of women.


In all sincerity,

Andy Capp

The Possible Rebirth of Kenya

A call for a transitional government

Honesty in the face of despair is the rarest commodity in Kenya today. The reality is that our jealously guarded cultural and tribal biases have manifested into the most painful event in the history of our nation. Through excruciating personal experiences of loss, pictures of bludgeoned and bleeding children and the circulation of death infested video clips; we have become accustomed to visions of dead or dying Kenyans. The sound of rapid gunfire, the wailing of mothers and the screaming of toddlers no longer disturb our heavy sleep.

This is the Kenya of today….but for how long? Let us not seek solace in the Kenya of yesterday; for it was dogged by tribalism, corruption, ineptitude and suppressed feelings of hate, resentment and impending atrocities. As we live amidst this explosion of tribal hate, we realize that many of our neighbors, classmates, colleagues and friends were in deed living on borrowed time. The demon is us has been awoken.

It is the fire that burns Kenya today that must also provide the light that guides our future. Let no burnt churches or bullet riddled bodies reduce us to hopelessness.

It is clear that the current administration, one of questionable character, unclear mandate and doubtful legitimacy, cannot successfully pursue an inclusive agenda of justice, national healing and reconciliation. It is these overwhelming evidences of deficiencies that call for a transitional government. If Kibaki accepts, we could use the opportunity provided within the transitional period to heal and unite as Kenyans. This would be an opportunity to reconstitute the ECK providing it the capabilities to efficiently and fairly conduct a presidential election….thereby providing Kenyans a properly elected president.

If Kibaki refuses, then he must use his forces to suppress all manner of uprisings with an aim of ‘moving on’. Kenyans are now tired. Let him jail us all if that would mean that our children return to school and our wives find peace. Let him maintain a heavy police presence in every street corner, after all it will also deter carjackers and common pickpockets. Let him espouse his Moism traits and bring order by intimidation and detention; civil order if through fear is better than violence and destruction. Let us in fact tremble at the sight of the presidential motorcade. Kenyans, the ‘half’ that apparently didn’t vote for Kibaki must be hammered into submission. Wameze wembe na kazi iendele.

-Question: If the current real or imagined tribal hate has resulted in the bloody fracas of today, what will happen five years from now when, in addition to the current resentments, that of a stolen presidency is added?

What's the difference between a simple Kenya Army cadet and a beautifully decorated Kenya Army commander…….other than an AK-47?

Discuss.


Well, actually before you discuss, ask yourself the following questions:

1. For how long will the military personnel continue to see their brothers and sisters murdered by foreign forces who do not speak Swahili?
2. How disciplined are our disciplined forces?
3. If Kibaki actually stole the vote, was it worth it?
4. What can you as a PNU/ODM supporter do today to avert the inevitable?

As you ponder for the right answers, I ask you to go on your knees and really pray. The way I see it, Michuki and company may have totally miscalculated the citizen’s outrage.

Video footage of policeman shooting and killing unarmed protestor in Kisumu.