Tackle Corruption Now or Drown in Your Rot

2006 (Taifa Hall, UoN)
"In the end, if the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost,"

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FAST FOWARD

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April 03, 2009 (Germany)
"My father was from Kenya. The US is under obligation to help Kenya on many issues but Kenya must sort its corruption problems first," Obama said in response to a question on relationship between the US and Kenya.

The more things change the more they remain the same or even retrogress. Poor Kenya.


A Little Good news for a change: You can now follow Chris as he receives highly sensitive info throughout the day and even get to know posts he is working on well in advance. You can even have a private chat with him. Follow him at Twitter. Find him in Twitter @KumekuchaChris. You will even get to see a photo of him (never before published on the web but will now be visible ONLY to his followers on Twitter). Remember that a lot of the stuff you will read on Twitter will NEVER be published because, as has been said here before, most of the information Kumekucha receives is too hot to publish or takes too long to verify (or is impossible to verify) and can therefore NOT be published. But you will be able to read it all on Twitter. Get to Twitter pronto, get there now and find Kenya's most popular and influential political blogger @KumekuchaChris

New Electoral Commission Boss Must Deliver

He has been hailed as the new non-partisan and smart head of our hitherto discredited electoral body. But can the city lawyer Ahmed Issack Hassan deliver given the politically polarized and poisoned Kenya?

Youth can be both a curse and a blessing. If being savvy and upright was to be derived from modern education and exposure then youthfulness would readily qualify as a blessing. But that may be a tall order given our HELL FOR LEATHER culture as a standard for success. We have seen youthful leaders speedily turn their age into a curse by competing against themselves to catch the older sloths ahead. They have an elastic appetite to grab as much as they can within the shortest time possible.

You cannot fail to hear the deafening sound of TRIBAL GONGS among the Parliamentary Service Commission (PSC). The 39-year old Hassan must have been arrived at as a compromise with roots from the minority and marginalized part of Kenya. Even Ole Kaparo impressive record could not save him from being associated with PNU after failing to retain his speaker’s post with unanimous PNU support.

Curse of youth
All eyes are on Ahmed Hassan and fingers crossed he will banish the ghost of DECEPTION and FRAUD from our midst by exercising his mandate fearlessly and competently. All that hope is premised on the scoundrels in parliament having their acts together this time round and not introducing sideshows.

The consequences of any further procrastination are so grim to contemplate. But don’t hold your breathe yet on any matter where these scavengers hold both the yam and the knife.

Lawyers are often referred to as LEGAL scoundrels and you need look no further to confirm that. A look at their penchant to LEGALLY DEFEAT justice with eyes singularly trained on their fat bank accounts is enough. If confirmed, Ahmed Hassan must use his new post to help Kenyans reclaim their country from the jaws of murderous gate keepers. Will he bell the cat? Well, the jury is still out there on a leisurely tour.

Raila And Ali: Men Of The Month March

Gosh this year is really flying, is it not? Easter is already here with us and yet it was just the other day that we were toasting the brand new year.

Well the month of March did not prove to be the ides of March for the Grand Coalition government but then May beckons. But that is not the subject of this post.

I would like to honour two exceptional gentlemen for what they did in the month of March and I will start with the right honorable Prime Minister Raila Odinga. In the month just ended two days ago, Raila started making noise about his salary and rejected any suggestion that he should be paid the same as the Vice President. In fact he said that he would rather do without a salary than get paid what the VP is being paid.

Now we all know how hard working the PM is. After all he also made history in the month of March by issuing a state of the nation address to the press. Phil of Kumekucha tells us that no other Kenyan leader has ever done that before. So why should the prime minister be paid the same as the VP when he is making history and working so hard?

We are also aware that over 10 million Kenyans are in danger of starving and some may even die as a result of hunger-related complications. However that has absolutely nothing to do with the Prime Minister’s pay. The commentator here in Kumekucha who suggested that all leaders from President Kibaki should take a salary cut in these hard times must have been clean out of his mind. HOW??? How do our hard working leaders end up NOT being paid? What does it matter if a few Kenyans die of hunger? I mean Kenyans are dying all the time from Aids, cholera and stupidity of all kind. So what is so special about now? Ashindwe!!!!

Obama, Odinga, Oliech!!!

I mean lets face it Kenyans have to learn how to respect the office of the Prime Minister after all he is one of the principals. The people of this country really have a lot of matharau I mean how do they expect a whole Prime Minister to operate from a toilet office? Why are people opposed to the planned, almost Kshs 1 billion office for the PM in the former Shell House? Does it matter if Raila is the last Prime Minsiter Kenya will ever have? (Indeed he should be because no politician in Kenya compares to Agwambo. Not even Tom Mboya comes close). Besides the PM’s office can later be turned into the President’s office so Agwambo does not have to move because surely there is nobody else who can be president of Kenya. Is there?

We need reforms badly and we need a new beginning and the youthful 64 year old ODM captain (who is also a serious soccer fan which emphasizes his young age) is the only man who can deliver the much needed change as he has already proved during his short stint as PM.

Kenyans need to give the grand coalition government more time to do their thing. After all poor leaders cannot help the people. We need leaders with cash bulging out of their pockets and literally oozing out of the ears to give the much needed handouts to the people during their meet-the-people tours, especially around election times.

Kudos our beloved PM you are a great inspiration to the country kicking up a storm about your salary at a time like this.

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Did you know that you can get a nice clean hotel with hot water, DSTV and all kenyan channels, balcony for two at only Kshs 1,800? Unbelieveable? See for yourself.
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Our other man of the month is a man that the PM has vowed to deal with. It is none other than Maj gen Hussein Ali himself. The man earns this accolade for defending the honour of the police at all costs. His performance was at its’ peak during the troubles at Kenyatta University at the end of last month. When journalists asked about the student who was shot, the police commissioner fired from the hip and without thinking just like his kwekwe squad wild-west-shoot-out-heroes. Shoot first and ask questions later, is the motto that has helped Ali’s force literally wipe out violent crime. After all we all know that Kenya is much safer these days than before Ali. The tough soldier has just scared almost all criminals out of existence. “It is just a matter of time before the remaining ones are dealt with,” as the good commissioner is always telling us. Kenyans have to understand that if a few innocent people die in the process, this is no big deal. After all more lives are saved in the end by the police eliminating those murderous thugs.

Ali, Kwekwe, Jelimo: Bringing thugs to a speedy meeting with their maker

Anyway as I was saying, in answering questions from the press Ali denied any shooting even before the journalist had finished asking his question. The fact that later he changed his position and said that he would investigate if any policeman actually fired live ammunition at the students is neither here nor there. Ali also strongly denied that his officers had raped anybody after all the GSU are known to be self respecting eunuchs who are incapable of raping anybody. If rape actually did take place then the students probably raped themselves or were raped by other students.

Congratulations Maj gen Ali for protecting your officers from false accusations.

Warning: This was a tongue in the cheek post. Please do not make comments about how Chris has been bought by Raila and Ali


P.S. I have said here before that I think the guys at Safaricom led by Michael Joseph are just brilliant. If you still doubt this, sample the latest innovation from Mr Joseph and his boys (and girls). The cell phone service provider giant has now entered the business of giving unsecured loans and are set to make a killing doing it with no bad debts to talk of. Okoa Jahazi is a new service that has been launched today where subscribers can borrow airtime of upto Kshs 50 and pay back within 72 hours. Of course all this is recovered the next time you load airtime into your phone. The fee for doing this is Kshs 5/-. What this means is that Safaricom will be earning 10% interest on the millions of small loans they will be dishing out. Please note that this is NOT 10% annual interest but 10% on each loan. WOW!!! Even the small loans kings at Equity must be going green with envy.

P.S.2 Two days ago I wrote here about a very innovative new service for tracking your stolen mobile phone. Some people thought that it was an April fool’s prank. IT WAS NOT!!! The service actually exists right here in Kenya and you can find out more HERE. The post by Taabu about Ali’s firing was the April fool’s prank which some of our readers actually fell for. Somebody called me very excited to confirm what he termed as the best news he has heard in a long time. It broke my heart that I had to disappoint them with the bad news that it was NOT true.

Trouble Coming Soon... And With Big Cash

Brace yourself for an ugly recession. Maybe the ugliest Kenya has ever seen.

Over the last two days ominous signs have emerged to confirm this. Two days ago Zain announced a massive restructuring programme that would see a whole 20% of its work force laid off. Yesterday East African Breweries followed suit and announced that they are set to send a large chunk of their staff home. They declined to talk numbers but sources say it could be as many as 200. Then the World Bank has drastically adjusted its’ growth forecast for Kenya to a paltry 2.4%. Read the article about the World bank's adjustments HERE. Some experts think that even that may be just too ambitious.

The shilling has taken a major beating in recent times confirming that remittances from the diaspora were amongst the major factors responsible for it’s resilience which saw it unaffected as the country burnt in post election violence last year. Remittances from Kenyans abroad are set to continue on their course headed south. Which also means that the construction industry (another huge beneficiary of investments from Kenyans abroad) is bound to slow down to thus causing even more Kenyans to lose jobs.

Kenyans are Africans and Africans have huge extended families most of whom are dependants. This means that the trickle down effect of all these layoffs will be enormous to say the least.

Meanwhile we continue to sustain a huge grand coalition cabinet with big salaries and perks even as they embark on a feeding frenzy of public funds through corruption. In fact even as Kenyans face starvation we are still being treated to ridiculous big politician salary headlines.

On a positive note, many people do not realize is that another word for problems is opportunities. Huge fortunes are best made during hard times rather than boom times and myriad of economic-related difficulties in Kenya are already making some Kenyans a killing. Just to quote one example. Cows are selling for a paltry Kshs 300 in Kajiado as Masai herdsmen grapple with the ravaging drought that is killing off their herds like there was no tomorrow. However if you go to your butcher the price of meat remains the same. That means that some folks love this drought and have a bank account balance to prove it.

P.S. Those following the Akinyi/Chinedu soap should read this fascinating article about yesterday’s live episode


The Most Popular Kumekucha Articles In The Last 7 days

Rape at Kenyatta University

Does this ex-MP deal in drugs?

Raila Says You Can be half pregnant

Police Boss Major Ali Sacked, Good Riddance

That is took the GSU rape orgy of KU female students to have Major Ali fired was sweet revenge served cold. The ex-commissioner had no qualms feigning ignorance on camera whether his charges used live bullets or not. He shamelessly even had the guts to deny any death despite facts to the contrary.

While the barbaric and orgy of massive destructive by KU students must be roundly condemned, the predictable police reactions betrays any trace of civilization from our law enforcement officers. Major Ali has eventually paid for his professional sins of omissions and commissions but we still have a long way to go in terms of modern, effective and civilized law enforcement.

So PC Ali is gone, what next? Without any doubt the shakeup at vigilance House will have far reaching effects. The Mungiki gangs will most likely want to have their pound of flesh extracted from their hither EXECUTIONER IN CHIEF. Add to that Major Ali’s bravado in telling Kenyans to accept disputed polls of 2007 and threatening fire which he promptly delivered thereafter following the chaos.

On a positive note, the comish can now have time to patronize and REGULATE Kameme enterprises from close range and recharge appropriately. But the firing authority may not be sitting pretty for fear of Major Ali spilling the beans. You see Iron Lady Martha is in good company and her gliding mouth will not be zipped anytime soon let the worms come out crawling.

Major Ali may be gone but he was just a cog in the steely wheel of IMPUNITY. Kenya’s gatekeepers will not lose any sleep for lack of any locks. We haven’t seen anything yet. Na bado.

Even If You Don’t Want They Will Still Do It Anyway!

Men are really strange animals. To most of them the crime of rape is nothing more than a joke. Something to snicker about and wink to your friends. That is until it is their sister or their mother or their wife who has been raped.

I am a man but to me there is no crime that is worse than rape. In my book it is better to get killed than to live with scars of rape.

Somebody confided in me a while back about her rape ordeal and it has never left my mind. The man who did it to her was a stranger who cornered her in broad daylight on some deserted footpath. He held a very sharp knife right next to her neck. The sheer horror of is still with her to this day.

But what comes later is worse. Much worse. For a woman to get any justice she will have to recount the ordeal several times. In one interesting case involving a young member of the famous Kennedy family who had been charged with rape, defence lawyers asked her whether she was wet down there when penetration took place. All this may be very entertaining to most men but to a rape victim it is a never-ending nightmare.

Yesterday students at Kenyatta University (a campus that has a long history of being the most peaceful within reach of Nairobi) went on the rampage causing destruction. Some unfortunate female students were then raped by riot police who were called in. It is said that on arriving at the scene, scores of red-bereted GSU headed straight for the women’s halls. And yet that was NOT the centre of the storm.

This brings back to memory the ordeal many women went through during the post election troubles. And the saddest thing of all is that a vast majority of these women will never get justice. So would you blame them for taking the law into their own hands?

The crime of rape is the height of impunity. Ordinary folk in Kenya (both men and women) have a pretty good idea of what it feels like to be raped. You see we the people of Kenya have been raped for a long time now by our so called leaders and we are yet to see any justice. They know very well what we don’t want but they still do it anyway. Tuta-do?

News Extra

Cell phones get stolen a lot. And that is why a new service that I have just heard about should make a huge difference. Dubbed Ujanja, the service uses satellite technology to track a telephone (or even a laptop) to it’s exact location. What happens is that after some software has been downloaded to your phone, the minute it is stolen an sms will be sent immediately to a cell phone of your choice (either your spouses or your friend.). The sms will contain vital information including the new sim card number that has been inserted into your stolen phone and the location of the phone. All this makes recovery very easy.

I am thinking that this is the kind of service that has the potential of ridding us of phone thieves (which is a very big business in Kenya these days). You can get more information on this interesting new service HERE.

Do MPs Do Desperate Things After Losing Their Seats?

Kumekucha exclusive

Barney (not his real name) is an old school friend. We were in primary school together and we have been meeting on and off over the years. But we have never really sat down to talk about stuff.

All that changed the other day when we were forced into a situation where we found ourselves in the same place stuck and stranded for at least 2 hours. Life is hectic and forces one to be constantly on the move but this time round we were forced by circumstances to alight from that speeding train called life and play catch up for about two and a half hours. It was fascinating.

Wanjala's "sweetie" Joyce Akinyi: Is she his link to his new international business?

But for the purposes of this post, I will talk about Barney’s divorce to this wealthy businesswoman wife. A young girl actually (barely in her mid-twenties who used to globe-trot all over the world on business). She loved him and barney liked her a lot. She was a breath of fresh air in her life after his stormy aborted first marriage. Barney is also in business but it seemed that his girlfriend’s business brought in a lot more money and much faster too. Still the relationship thrived and the two even had a kid together pending making everything official. You see I have known Barney for years and he is one of the few guys I know who does not get intimidated with his woman earning more than him.

But what brought a strain into the relationship (just before the kid came) was when Barney made an astounding discovery about the kind of his business his sweetheart was into. She was what one would call "a courier." She carried drugs around the world concealed in her luggage for a very handsome fee. It was easy money and Barney tells me she told him it was better than being a prostitute.

Serious problems emerged in the relationship when Barney started putting pressure on her to shut down her “business.” After all he was well able to provide for both of them as they looked around for something else for her to do.

But she was “hooked” to the business and the inevitable happened. She was caught and charged. Barney has his contacts in this town and he made his enquiries and was told that Kshs 800,000 was enough to bail her out. So Barney went to the women’s remand prison and told his wife that all she needed to do was to get 800,000 bob from her boss and “the problem” would disappear. Incidentally the girl was several months pregnant with Barney’s child at the time of her arrest. 800,000 bob in her line of business was of course no problem and so she sent word to her boss. Guess who her boss was? The current girl friend to one Mr Wanjala. Jijazie.

Let me stop the story there by saying that the woman got off with a very short jail term without any bribing (her visible pregnancy must have helped). The reason why no bribe was paid was because the 800,000 was released by the girl's boss, but somebody blew it and failed to deliver it. Currently Barney’s girlfriend is serving a very long jail term for the same offence (she was arrested again shortly after her release when she was caught red handed with a huge consignment).

Now I have just read in this mornings' newspapers that former Bundalangi MP Raphael Wanjala and his controversial sweetheart Joyce Akinyi (you will remember that their story was first broken here in Kumekucha by our won Phil) have been released from their Indian prison where they have spent the last six months (including Christmas day). Read full story of Wanjala’s arrival back in Kenya yesterday.

Based on the story I have just told you, the minute I read the latest Wanjala saga I asked myself what business is Mr Wanjala is into these days after he lost his lucrative parliamentary seat. What business is this that requires a person to carry large amounts in cash in US dollars in this day and age where people don’t even carry so much cash around in the streets of Nairobi? You just zap cash or Mpesa it if you don't qualify for a VISA debit or credit card.

And that question led me to another thought. What kind of monsters are we breeding paying our legislators the outrageous amounts of cash we pay them for doing very little if anything? What will they do when they lose their parliamentary seats and need to sustain the lavish living that they have gotten used to (both from their salaries and from the deals they make like the recent blood maize deal starring Jirongo, Ruto Namwamba and company)? What will they do when easy money is not so easily accessible anymore?

Food for though on this Monday morning (Kenyan time)… is it not? Are we increasing our already high crime rate by paying people outrageous wages to do nothing?

And by the way knowing how corruption and impunity is rampant in our leaders, is it surprising that cabinet ministers and MPs are at the top of the list for committing this serious criminal offence?