Expansionist Museveni Walks to Fourth Term

While loudmouthed Dr. Kizza Besigye is shamelessly urging Ugandans to walk to work, the hard working revolutionist Yoweri Kaguta Miseveni hasjust been installed as the President for a fourth term in office. Kizza may have been Museveni's personal physician but he is no match to the real Sebo. No wonder his eyes were sprayed with deadly pepper and had to run to Nairobi for treatment.

Uganda needs Museveni more than Kaguta needs her. After JUST 26 years Ugandans seem to have forgotten that they owe everything to Yoweri. He deserves to stay in power until the natural equalizer beckons. If anything Leader Colonel Gaddafi himself told Museveni that revolutionists don't QUIT they soldier on and lord it over their subjects until the limbs fail.

The world can make all the noise they want but Museveni and Uganda are the same thing. All he needed at his inauguration ceremony are his TRUSTED neighbours and colleagues. With Mugabe, Moi and Kibaki around, Sebo is in good company.

Charity begins at home and already Museveni has shown the way and leading by example in uniting Africa. After expanding Uganda into Lake Victoria by adding Migingo, he has lately acquired Ugingo and we Kibaki must thank him on our behalf for his unmatched statesmanship and enterprising expansionist qualities.

As our own KK resident virtual economists will tell you for free all the West's eyes are singularly trained on Uganda's new-found oil. You need a strongman and battle hardened leader like Museveni to milk that wealth. Others must learn to wait for knock-down effects.

Congratulations are due to Kaguta. Twenty six years and counting. With First lady as minister, son leading the presidential guard and daughter as private secretary you are in safe hands.

Divine Coup Disappoints When Needed Most

So it came to pass Robert Mugabe will be competing against himself on Friday’s election after his main challenger who thrashed him in the first round pulled out of the contest. No fair person can fault Mr Morgan Tsvangirai for advising MDC supporters not to risk casting their votes which will definitely cause them their lives.

Mugabe made it clear late last week that he cannot be removed from power by a mere CROSS on a piece of paper. What is more, Bob declared only God who APPOINTED him would dethrone him. Leaves you wondering aloud why is DIVINE BLOODLESS COUP through a massive heart attack so selective? Kenyans prayed and continue praying for this illusive silver bullet and now Zimbabweans would enormously benefit from the same.

Zimbabwe may have been the last African country to get independence in 1980 but Mugabe has outdone all his fellow DINOSAURS. Robert Gabriel must have integrated and synthesized all the brutal scripts from Mubarak in the north to entitlement's mindset of our own Mwai in the horn. Mugabe just can’t fathom the imagination that Zimbabweans gave Tsvangirai (he publicly calls him SON OF A BITCH, reminds you of pumbavu?) more votes hence the open brutality and uprooting his own people for voting the wrong way.

You cannot fault Tsvangirai given his tribulations at the hands of police on the campaign trail this past week. He was arbitrarily arrested and detained severally sometimes more than twice a day while enroute to his campaign rallies. But the final straw that broke MDC’s back was today’s (Sunday) rally scheduled for Harare that never was. Fist the police maliciously banned the rally and MDC successfully challenged it in court but it was never to be when they woke up to find the Stadium venue of the rally overwhelmed by Zanu-PF gangs baying for their blood. And the goons didn’t disappoint they clobbered even election observers.

Guilt by association
As Rwanda's Kagame asked early in this week why would one pretend to call elections when he the results won’t bind him? And Tsvangirai aptly summed it that there is no point in contesting when the outcome is already determined by a fellow aspirant (Mugabe himself). Mugabe is a sour thumb to the African continent to say the least. Guilt by association galore since he knows majority of African leaders cannot dare lift a finger against him since they are equally guilty of the same ills on a grandiose scale. So are we cursed as a continent to live at the mercy of tyrants and despots like Mugabe? Well, you won’t be surprised that just as Mugabe uses youths to kill their fellow Zimbabweans, out here some will shamelessly fall for his prank of imperialism.

Plenty of parallels can be drawn between Zimbabwe and Kenya. All lie in the truism that the easiest way of uniting people is to have an enemy, and if you then split away from that enemy, then you've got no reason to be together until you start looking at each other, and then you start looking for another enemy within your ranks. By then it may be too late. Our own Simba Makoni went for the spoils long before even the electoral battle began. All else has been WIPED into history.

That Kenyan is mentioned as a preface to Zimbabwe’s hell is a painful truth. Zimbabweans may be civilized and Mugabe knows and takes advantage of their placidity. But cowardice and indifference can be so expensive especially when you may never live to tell the tale. It is a delicate and defining week ahead for Zimbabwe and Africa in general. This may mark the beginning of the end Zimbabwe as we know it today. But will the global community to step in to prevent the imminent genocide? Only time will tell. God save Zimbabwe from itself.

Kenyans Must Emulate 'Civilized' Zimbabweans

Zimbabweans go back to the polls next week to either apologize and re-elect one Robert Bob Mugabe after a first round THRASHING or confirm Morgan Tsvangirai as their new leader. But comrade Bob together with the army have both vowed never to concede the presidency to anybody no matter the election outcome. That sounds quite familiar, doesn't it? Yes, Africa is still populated by DINOSAURS who think of their countries as personal property with their names gracing the title deed.

Mugabe grossly underestimated the power of a fatigued and battered citizenry. They showed him dust by voting Tsvangirai in the first round of voting and no amount of historic vote rigging for a whole historic month would turn the tables. That has left Mugabe to perfect what he knows best. Zimbabwe is suffocating under INTIMIDATION and brutality meted out to any perceived and real opposition sympathizers. Grandmothers are paying with their head and limbs should their grandchildren be suspected not to be ZANU-PF compliant.

Industrious Kenyans envy Zimbabweans for their civility. In fact Kenya would have registered the magical 10+% growth rate this year if they didn’t protest last year’s FLAWED POLLS. You only need to conveniently forget the Zimbabwe analogue of where we would have been were we to give room for a re-run. We had our home bred Simba Makoni wiping and salivating for the spoils. But again Mugabe is just learning the ropes albeit devoid of our style and sophistication in delivering FRAUD and DECEPTION. Why employ Moi's terror tactics when you can top up with zeroes? Bob only needed the creative mind to add the zeroes truncated from the Zimbabwean dollar to the vote's tally and he would be home and dry without the pain of spewing threats.

Tested, proven Kenyan script
So Zimbabweans may be going through HELL on earth with inflation figures that bust computer’s memory BUT we better learn CIVILITY from them. What is more, better have peace with nothing to eat rather than bloodying your hands to reclaim a country from the grasp of her owners. We leave in interesting times where selective application of logic reigns supreme with eyes singularly trained on feathering our nests.

Well, Robert Mugabe is many things to many people. We have Kenyans who will selectively praise him for standing for the colonialists oblivious of the pre-historic battering he is visiting on his his country and her people. The Kenyan version of patriotism is truly unique. Zimbabwe may have been the last African state to get independence but Mugabe is doing very well in accelerating the speed to MISRULE like his local comrade.

Revolutions the world over germinate from the seed of readiness to die for what you believe in. Deciding whether Zimbabweans are cowards or civilized is to trivialize a grave matter. I only pray that Mugabe doesn’t live to sink Zimbabwe after June 27. But with Kenyan tested and proven script before him that prayer is akin to selling ice cream to an Eskimo. May God save us from our tormentors for leaders?

Sneak preview of the last week's raw notes:
"Indeed it is quite likely that it was the subject of puzzled gossip within the August house where most burly politicians prefer sexual encounters with underage girls picked up mostly along Nairobi's notorious red light district of Koinange street. Most would have wondered what Kones was doing smitten by this over 40 Kalenjin woman when there were so many young and willing girls hanging around daily at the legislators' favourite street of sin in Nairobi..."
- Get your Kumekucha raw notes.

Backstabbing ODM: Moi’s Secret Hand

Read Kumekucha's red hot exclusive on how Maina Njenga's wife died


ODM Rift Valley MPs Running Errands for Retired President

Writing recently in the Sunday Standard, Jason Kap Kirwok presented startling figures that actually show that the current grand coalition cabinet is the most ethnically balanced ever. Said he:

“.....Our source of statistics for Kenya’s ethnic composition is the March 2008 edition of the CIA’s World Fact Book. If we map ethnic composition against the distribution of full Cabinet positions, we get the following statistics. The Kikuyu, our most populous ethnic group, compromises 22 per cent of the population. Their share of positions in the Coalition Cabinet is 19 per cent. The Luhya, at 14 per cent of the population is the second most populous ethnic group. Their share in the current Cabinet is 19 per cent. The Luo come next at 13 per cent of the population; they occupy 12 per cent of the slots in the Cabinet. The Kalenjins represent 12 per cent of the population and their share of Cabinet positions is also 12 per cent, while the Kamba are 11 per cent of the population with a share of seven per cent of Cabinet positions. The Kisii represent six per cent of the population and have six per cent of the Cabinet positions, while the Meru are six per cent of the population with a two per cent share of the Cabinet. The rest of the other 35 African ethnic communities comprise 15 per cent of the total population. Their share of the Cabinet is a surprising 21 per cent. Finally, the non-African "tribes" — Europeans, Asians and Arabs — comprise one per cent of the Kenyan population with a share of the Cabinet of two per cent. The picture changes only slightly when we include the Assistant ministers. We may quibble about a percentage higher here and a percentage lower there, but a it is reasonably balanced. ....”

How come then Rift Valley Members of Parliament, particularly from the larger Kericho area, be so adamant that their community has been left out of cabinet? Why would educated and presumably civilized politicians suddenly rise up with unreasonable demands on their party leader? Is someone controlling their utterances by remote control……to sabotage ODM unity?.......or perhaps to ensure IDPs are not resettled..?….or maybe to undo the grand coalition…..?...reinvigorate KANU….? YES to all the above!

Looking at the history of the Orange Democratic Movement, it can be vividly recalled that during the period after the 2005 referendum when ODM-K was formed, it was none other than former President Moi who took it upon himself to politically undermine ODM-K and his efforts in infiltrating the party led to its eventual disintegration. First it was Uhuru Kenyatta who made history in the world as the first official opposition leader to abandon his post and support the incumbent. Uhuru, however, did not abandon the salary and other benefits that come with that office. Closely following him, Kalonzo Musyoka also purportedly ‘defected’ from LDP to LPK, while his puppets Chairman Maanzo and Secretary Chepkonga refused to hand over ODM-K to legitimate party secretariat officials. Shortly after this, the same Rift Valley politicians were on the frontline calling some ODM presidential candidates ‘unelectable’.

Fast forward to the highly publicized ODM Kasarani nominations where Raila Odinga reigned supreme and was elected party torch-bearer, the former President then opted to make it his personal business to campaign against ODM at every given opportunity in Rift Valley and elsewhere. It was telling that everywhere he went Moi was not campaigning for the PNU candidate that he had endorsed but rather campaigning against ODM and its candidate. Some of his utterances were picked up by PNU adherents and this led to a marked rise in hate speech against the ODM candidate all over including those notorious vernacular FM stations.

Prior to Kivuitu’s astonishing announcement, the very day almost everyone expected Raila Odinga to be declared president (and Kibaki was said to be willing to concede defeat because Raila was ahead by an unassailable 1.2 million votes during which time more than 90% of votes had been counted), it is rumoured Moi made a night visit to State House via helicopter. What happened to this country after that visit scarred Kenya forever.

In the period after Kibaki’s swearing-in (bedroom Chris?), Moi’s respected peers from other African countries were in town in an effort to reconcile the ODM and PNU factions. Whereas it would have been natural for Moi to lead his peers in these efforts in his own country, his choice to engage in murky partisan politics could not allow him to do so. Even with Kenya at the brink of disaster and Koffi Anan shuttling between the Serena Hotel, State House and Pentagon House, ‘statesman’ Moi was nowhere to be seen. Instead, the same political forces unsuccessfully tried to intimidate Annan using crude methods and eventually leading to Annan resolving to deal directly with principals. At about the same time, senior figures in ODM were approached with cabinet appointments if only to sabotage the grand coalition plans that Annan was insistent on.

After Anan’s effort bore some fruit and the grand cabinet was about to be announced, Rift Valley MP’s were at it again, demanding that one of their own be appointed Deputy PM. To end Moi’s political maneuvers, it took Raila Odinga’s personal intervention to compelling William Ruto to publicly support and show respect to Musalia Mudavadi. At Pentagon House, behind-the-scenes maneuvers were that Raila had to prevail in ODM cabinet appointments because some elements from Rift Valley did not want to see Joe Nyagah appointed to cabinet, something Raila did not take very kindly. Incidentally, save for Arap Moi, the Rift Valley MPs were conspicuously absent at Nyagah’s funeral last week. Nyagah himself was present at the funeral of Ruto’s father just three weeks ago.

As if to show a deeply divided country who is in-charge, ‘statesman’ Moi was sitting at the presidential dais to witness the swearing-in of the grand-coalition cabinet. His presence at the swearing-in of a grand coalition cabinet and that of former Malawian President Bakili Muluzi, was in bad taste and it clearly shows, people still imagine the retired president has a role to play in the destiny of this country, his own disastrous reign and that of Muluzi notwithstanding. The whole inauguration ceremony was organized by the State House protocol officials. (Muluzi served a 10 year constitutional term from 1994 to 2000 in office as president of Malawi, but is now planning a comeback for the presidency in Malawi’s general elections due in 2009. Muluzi’s corruption CV is very similar to that of Moi. Both men have mega-fraud and embezzlement allegations following them like shadows).

Today, Raila and Kibaki are due to meet with Rift Valley MPs because it has emerged it will take much more than Annan’s efforts to resettled individuals who had been displaced from that province. Rather than fight ODM, the advise to Moi’s (and his Moi Africa Foundation) to re-direct their efforts in re-settling IDPs in Rift Valley and elsewhere. Or better still, to please retire honourably at his farm in Kabarak.

Kibaki the Marionette

Mugabe Does a Kibaki+Moi on Zimbabwe

As Zimbabwean head to the polls on Saturday, Mugabe has warned Zimbabweans NEVER to dare do a Kenya on him. President Bob has promptly read the mandatory riot act to the opposition warning them of brimstone and hell should they dare protest in the event of losing the elections. Cut from the same cloth, the script is like a cut-and-paste from Major Ali’s warning to Kenyans banning any protest just before last year’s stolen elections? Trust Mugabe and his age mates to know a thing ordinary mortals don't - election results in advance. Theirs is coronation after a national ritual.

African fossils for leaders all behave the same. After inviting hyper inflation to take permanent residence in Zimbabwe 84-year old comrade Bob still considers himself the most expensive gift God bestowed to the Shonas and Ndebeles. A hitherto breadbasket in Southern Africa has been steadily transformed to basket case. With 8 degrees to his name over 100,000% inflation (yes hundred thousand) is nothing but figures to Zimbabwe's tin god.

Robert Gabriel Mugabe is leaving nothing to chance. He is still stuck with the old antics which Moi perfected here in Kenya. Mugabe has ensured none of the two opposition presidential candidates gets his adverts aired even after paying. What is more, no landing for their campaign choppers. But the icing on the theft-in-advance cake is printing 9 million ballot papers for 6 million registered voters. Ole wetu, we never patented the TOP-UP vice, or we thought we did?

Patented top-up
Behind every senile African leader lurks either a deranged or calculative first lady. Mugabe cannot afford to do anything against the wishes of his 37-year old former secretary-turned-wife. Grace Marufu cannot imagine life outside real power at that TENDER AGE. Having a whole Boeing Air Zimbabwe full of passengers wait for ONLY 18 hours as she shops elegantly in Cairo in no big deal either.

Old is really wood, a very expensive timber. Mugabe's 300+ bedrooms palace is worth KES 800m and encircled by TWO man-made lakes. That is obtuse opulence for you in a land where policewomen and soldiers subsidise their paltry income with selling their bodies. No wonder the above half million Zimbabwean dollar isn't enough to buy a banana!

Kenya doesn't have a monopoly to bad political manners. We are in good company albeit of the primitive variation. Political dinosaurs are our bane and we are stuck with them kama kupe as one Ivy loves telling us here at Kumekucha. The services of his Excellency Kofi Annan has never been in such high demand. Na bado.