Jacob Zuma: Demagogue or Political Genius?

South Africans have demostrated their fidelity to ANC party no matter the political heat and fallout occasioned by Mbeki’s ouster. The near-saint Mandela confounded many by backing Zulu boy Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma and shunning disgruntled Mbeki boys who decamped to COPE.

So what future and lessons can we learn from Zuma’s rise to the presidency of Africa’s economic powerhouse? Well, Zuma is a product of Mbeki’s contempt to voters and obtuse elitism that is galore in our local leadership too. Kenya is a living testimony to how power has a way with revealing the true insidious side of an otherwise gentle persona. Only time will tell who the real Jay Z is.

Granted, Zuma may not be sophisticated enough to craft catchy rallying calls like Rainbow Nation by Mandela or abstract slogans like African Renaissance by Mbeki. But give it to the traditionalist Msholozi he has away of identifying with the ordinary South African whose post-Apartheid dream was auctioned by Mbeki’s elitist mien and intellectual bravado.

He may be athletic around the waist with five official wives to boot but emotionally amorous Zuma maybe just what South Africa needed to stop their breakneck speed to catch up with rest self-destruction African countries. But again you never know African leaders being what they are once securely enthroned to the seat of power.

Product of contempt and elitism
Mbeki though he had the last political laugh by outsmarting hither Mandela’s heir apparent Cyril Ramaphosa and underestimating Zuma as an unambitious demagogue for VP. Well what goes around comes around and Thambo must be suffering indigestion from the huge bite of humble pie.

Zuma’s lack of formal education may just be the sweetest blessing in disguise as team playing is a must in such circumstances. If anything personalized rule has been the bane in most African countries with real power unofficially delegated to cronies and gatekeepers.

Congratulations President Zuma, all eyes are singularly trained on you and the party is yours to spoil. You have no choice but to measure up or fail spectacularly by falling to the pedestrian lows of believing a cold shower protects against HIV infection. South Africans have given their verdict and the choice if yours. Either seize it or butcher their collective hopes.

Kibaki Insiders Plotting 3rd Term

What the…..!#**!!

Forget succession politics, impeccable sources tell me that Kibaki insiders are planning a third term for their man. Yes I know what the constitution says but that can be fixed, especially when people are so hungry for cash. Prof Kivutha Kibwana has been tasked with fixing that problem. The associate professor of law at the University of Nairobi is this minute strategizing on how exactly this crazy pipe dream will be achieved.

I know some of these said Emilio insiders read this blog and some of them even leave comments here and so I have a simple message for them. It would have been easier for former President George W. Bush to have gone for a fourth term than it is for President Kibaki to finish his illegal second term, let alone go for a third.

But then as a friend put it, there is no banana skin Kibaki insiders ever resisted tripping over and the said project will most likely join the long list of pipe dreams and failed projects that the third president of Kenya has undertaken ever since Kenyans made the biggest mistake ever of putting him in State House.

Incidentally State House seems to have similarities to Mombasa. You know what people say about the coastal town. Kuingia ni harusi, kutoka ni matanga Roughy translates to entering Mombasa is easy like a wedding celebration but it takes a funeral for most people to leave. Former President Moi would have died in power but it took a lot of pressure and finally he conceded to change the constitution to allow only two terms. But even those two terms passed too swiftly for him. Now the two terms have passed two quickly for Emilio hence the plot for a third term. I can guess what his insiders are saying. That if a P3 teacher could rule for 24 years, how can a former Makerere don not rule for even half those years?

You see the problem that we have in Kenya is that those in leadership positions and especially those inside State House live in another Kenya which is extremely strange and unfamiliar to ordinary folks like you and I.


P.S. In my latest raw notes published on Monday I reveal the name of a certain cabinet minister who gives orders to the Kwekwe squad on behalf of the two wives guy. It is NOT Saitoti. See the article.

Why The Nation Media Group’s Daily Metro Failed

Last Week, one of the Nation media group’s publication, the Daily Metro carried a big banner headline reading FAREWELL. In the article that followed, the editorial team bid their readers goodbye citing the harsh economic times as the main excuse for the management of East Africa’s largest media house in discontinuing publication.

Actually some analysts feel that the folding up of the Daily Metro was inevitable since it was founded for the sole purpose of countering Radio Africa’s Nairobi Star and forcing them out of publication. It is said that circulation marketers at the Nation felt that despite the fact that the Nairobi Star was targeted at a more specific audience it would eat up on the flag ship Daily Nation’s circulation considerably—if not immediately then definitely in the long term. Whether this is true or not, the fact remains that the Nation has remained at the top because of being highly sensitive to new entrants and possible competition. And the media house has never hesitated to play dirty whenever the need has arisen.

The demise of the Daily Metro has less to do with the current financial downturn and more to do with the way things are run at the Nation. Insiders insist that the giant company is facing a very challenging financial time that has more to do with how quickly the media industry in Kenya has changed. For instance a few years ago Daily newspapers carried the vast majority of advertising spend in the country. Today radio is king. Now this change is significant here because Nation’s flagship and main cash cow is and has always been the Daily Nation newspaper. And although the media group has a radio station or two, there are a number of new kids on the block who have a bigger market share and understand the medium much better. Top on this list is Radio Africa whose Classic FM and Kiss FM lead the roost for English listeners.

My insider information indicates that the decision makers at the media house have now woken up and are smelling the coffee so much so that they are already pursuing the next battle frontier which is the web and to a certain extent Cable TV and TV content. However this has come a little late. For years any new ideas or suggestions for improvements at Nation House would more often than not be met with the arrogant statement “but this is the Nation”—insinuating that the nation was invincible and would continue to do well without any new ideas.

Now with dwindling revenues all round the past has finally caught up with arrogance and it was inevitable that the management would take a look at all titles still costing it cash looking for ways to stem the cash hemorrhage. Next on that list would be the EastAfrican a regional newspaper launched on the assumption that regional integration would have moved much faster than it has to date. This prestigious and excellent publication has never made a dime since inception. One of the reasons being it’s unnecessarily high overheads where huge bureau offices have been established in neighbouring Tanzania and Uganda where smaller leaner set-ups would have still produced the desired results more so in this age of the World Wide Web where communication costs have come down considerably. However shutting down the EastAfrican is not an option because it is the Aga Khan’s pet newspaper. The Aga Khan is the founder and major shareholder of the Nation Media group.

Yet another title that is currently bleeding badly is the recently launched Business Daily. Mercifully the overheads for that one are pretty small and it can probably be sustained for some time to come.

Interestingly even the Nation’s first ever title Taifa Leo is struggling but for reasons beyond anybody’s control. Apparently the new generation of Kenyans have shunned Kiswahili which was the most popular communication language in the country for many years. This is what led to the huge popularity of the KBC National Kiswahili service over the English General Service radio through the 60s, 70s and 80s.

So where does the Nation media group make their money from? Actually there are only two star cash cows at the moment. Namely the flagship Daily Nation newspaper and the Nation courier service. Interestingly the launching of the courier service was a brilliant way to pay for the mounting costs of circulating the newspaper while earning extra revenue. Without these two cash cows the nation would be very much a struggling ship. Still increasing competition looms in the horizon coupled with some very serious strategic decisions made by the management in the run up to the 2007 general elections. Taking all this into consideration the daily metro may be only the first casualty in a list that will unfold in the weeks and months to come.

Related articles;
New KissFM Daily: Why Nation Should Be Worried

Changes At The Nation And What They mean

At 1:30 PM, Monday 20th 2009, KIBAKI MUST ANNOUNCE OUR MILITARY'S OPTIONS ON MIGINGO

This is what I want His Excellency President Mwai Kibaki to say tomorrow:

Fellow Kenyans, the hour is 1:30 p.m. On this Monday, April 20 2009, I have instructed our nation's military commanders to begin working on a war plan with Uganda over Migingo Islands. By taking such an action, I'm calling on the Uganda government one final time to pull its troops out of the sovereign territory of Kenya or be prepared for military action.

Due to the drastic nature of a potential war in this region, my government has worked tirelessly over the past weeks and months to get the Ugandan government to respect the territorial integrity of Kenya, but as you may have noticed our goodwill efforts have been met with sustained provocation from the Uganda military and the highest levels of that government. In fact, only a few days ago, after I personally spoke with President Yoweri Museveni and it seemed like this matter may be peacefully resolved, the Ugandan side responded by sending more troops into Migingo, arresting fishing Kenyans and flying reconnaissance planes over the island.

This is unacceptable.

As it is my duty to prepare Kenyans for every eventuality, and to protect the security of this nation as the commander in chief, I hereby exercise my constitutional duty by warning the Ugandan government that should these acts of provocation continue, the Kenyan military will launch an attack at a time of our choosing to defend the rights of the Kenyans on Migingo Island and to safeguard the timeless boundaries of our nation.

I still hope common sense will prevail and the Ugandan government will take this final opportunity to do the right thing. But should that fail to happen within the next few days, my government has elected not to take war as an option off the table.

God bless Kenya!

Is It Possible To Rule Without Killing?

Many young Kenyans have no idea what it was like living in the country in the 70s and 80s. The days when political dissenters were dealt with ruthlessly and decisively quick. If you did not disappear or your body was not found in some forest with some vital organs missing, then you would definitely have ended up in the notorious detention without trial.

In those days when you could sense the fear in the air, it must have been much easier to be president of Kenya.

Now one Mwai Kibaki who has seen it all took over as president in December 2002 and one of the first things that his administration did was to shut down the Nyayo house torture chambers. It seemed to everybody that it was the beginning of a brand new era of good governance. But alas, it was not to be because some silly document called an MOU (memorandum of Understanding) was allegedly not honoured by Kibaki and one thing led to another as the Kibaki administration staggered from one crisis to another like a drunk man trying to walk home in the dark. You will remember that things stabilized somewhat with the appearance of one Daniel arap Moi as one of President Kibaki’s key advisors.

In actual fact history was replaying itself before our very eyes because Daniel arap Moi himself went through a very similar metamorphosis shortly after he took over as president in August 1978. Moi released all detainees and dramatically increased democratic space and free speech in the late 70s and early 80s. However he was rudely shaken out of his good-guy image by the abortive 1982 coup attempt. Shortly after a shaken Moi appeared on national TV tears visibly in his eyes and thanking the security forces for crashing the coup, Kenyans started seeing a very different Moi. Detention without trial came back with a vengeance and a few assassinations followed, most notably that of former foreign affairs minister Dr Robert Ouko. Dozens of Kenyans vanished without trace.

Coming back to the present, it seems that Kibaki’s big transformation happened after he lost the 2005 referendum on a proposed new constitution. But detention without trial was NOT re-introduced. Instead something that send shivers down the spines of those in the know emerged. That thing answers to the name, the Kwekwe squad. Humndreds of young Kenyans have also disappeared without trace.

Political emotions aside, the question Kenyans must now ask themselves is a simple one but one whose answer will be very difficult in coming by. And the question is, is it possible to govern a country like Kenya without “tools’ like detention without trial or the terror of Kwekwe? If your quick answer is YES, then my next question is how come the Kibaki administration became much more stable after the introduction of terror instruments like the Kwekwe?

Kindly note that I do not support terror or human rights abuses in any form. However I am just asking a question to get Kenyans thinking. After all even developed democracies like the United States have the CIA and other national security spooks who get involved in all kinds of dirty things. Even the civil Brits have their spooks and shadowy projects in the name of national security.

Read about Kumekucha's terrifying ordeal in the hands of the then dreaded Special Branch

Kenya's Slimy Mess!

Kenya is the only country in the world whose people care so much about ethnicity that it is seen as one of the qualifications during electioneering. It is indeed strange to see politicians who attended the most prestigious universities in the world retreating to their tribal cocoons to preach tribal hatred and politics of disharmony in order to win sympathy votes from their ethnic communities. But if the leaders are bad, then the people are worse! For, why do we take whatever balderdash that comes out of politicians’ foul mouths as the gospel truth? And by the way, who elects the leaders?

We don’t need rocket science to know that ethnicity and graft are twin problems that have prevented Kenya from achieving progress. We all know the problem but we prefer sitting back and complaining about bad governance while in fact we happen to be the very architects of the problems bedeviling our country. We must wake up from our deep slumber and stand up for our rights. We need to understand that politicians play the tribal card to their advantage. Their object is to keep the citizenry busy fighting over petty issues as they (politicians) milk the public coffers dry!

People who believe that people from certain parts of our republic can not lead just because, in their stupid opinion, they ‘belong to the wrong tribe’(kabila adui) are simply not worth living in this modern world. I assert this because I strongly believe that ‘belonging to tribe X or tribe Y is nothing but a biological accident!’ I also call attention to the fact that a person’s character and not the language he speaks is what matters most. For that reason, the question of one’s tribe is irrelevant not only in matters political but in everything.

Fellow country men and women, it is an open secret that ethnicity will take us nowhere and the sooner we stop it the sooner our country will start achieving progress. The choice is ours; the future of our country is in our hands. Away with tribalism!.

Martha, oh Martha! Tell me Martha

Also published less than an hour ago: Plot 10 has been cancelled

Guest Post by Mwalimu Peter Ngugi

What is your take on the resignation of Martha Wangari Karua from The Grand Confusion that masquarades as the government of the Republic Of Kenya?

I think the truth is, as always, somewhere in-between. It is hard not to admire her in the context of Kenyan politics. She is one of the few cabinet ministers who has actually not used her position for self aggrandizement. The cabal around Kibaki and the elites in Kirinyaga describe her as the Peasant from Gichugu because she has completely refused to use her position to enrich herself. This, in itself, would not be remarkable elsewhere – but it is almost extraordinary in Kenya.

She has my respect.

Do you know Karua appointed 4 true reformers (young people between 28 and 34 years old) as undersecretaries in her ministry, and by last month they had all resigned because of frustration from the office of the president?

But she has, of course, taken some stances that have been quite questionable. Her unwavering support for the thieving Kibaki between 2002 and mid-2008 was frightening in the most meaningful sense. But her fierce independence shone through even then. Even when I disagreed with her, I knew she was not merely positioning herself to “eat.” My attitudes towards her mirror my attitudes toward Raila. There is much to admire about him; but there are many things that he does that makes me go: what the %$#@$%!

I don’t think Martha’s resignation will achieve much unless Raila joins forces with her. In fact, that is the one and only opportunity Kenya has to rise from the ashes like a phoenix.
She will likely lose her parliamentary seat in 2012 as Kikuyus myopically support Uhuru (read Mungiki) for the presidency (God forbid!). It will be ugly! Of course, unless the young Turks re-group: Raila, Muite, Orengo, Anyang, Karua and Imanyara. Abdikadir (of PSC), Makau wa Mutua and Willy Mutunga are trying to broker this. Ruto and Kiraitu will have to be left out for this to work out, though. And nobody seems to know how to do that.

God bless Kenya, God save us from the MOUNT KENYA MAFIA!

Guys, Let's speak up for the Albinos in Tanzania.

Alert: 'Plot 10' Has Been Cancelled!!

This may come as a surprise to those who grew up in leafy suburbs or sprawling red roofed estates. You see, deep in the low class Eastland residential areas, there was once a fantastic living arrangement that could be best described as 'maisha ya ploti'. For those unfamiliar with the term 'plot' in the ghetto context, it is a small residential 'complex' complete with mostly ten or less small roomed apartments (really studios) sharing a common bathroom, usually with one mabati gate. Those still feigning ignorance can at least remember the KBC program 'Plot 10'. That's what I'm talking about. Here folks recognized neighbors as 'majirani'.

While the living in 'Plot 10' was mostly squalor and lacked any form of privacy, it had very many positives. For one, it allowed the peaceful co-existence of people from all Kenyan cultures bound together by the need for affordable housing and a specter of security. At the height of this residential phenomena, one plot would house families from the Kikuyu, Luo, Luhya, Somali, Swahili, Kisii, Kalenjin etc. It is the interesting cross-cultural social interactions that led to the development of comedies like 'Plot 10', Vitimbi etc. Those were the times when majirani would huddle around the only black and white TV in the plot and laugh with each other at the generalization of cultural characters and traits. These 'plots' produced the most tribe-less Kenyans on earth.

Today, Mzee Ojwang's copyrighted squeal, yaani 'Mama Kayai, fwanya haraka aaiiiiiiiiii!!!'…. could be considered a war cry in some 'plots'.

Folks, welcome to the New Kenya. A sincere assessment confirms that strict tribal enclaves are mushrooming all over Nairobi today. The search for peace of mind requires that you be very aware of where you rent or buy any type of property....based on nothing but your tribe or ethnicity. You need not waste your time or risk your security by putting in your rental application in areas where your ethnicity is not considered favorable. Slums like Kibera, Mathare etc already have clearly demarcated boundaries; you cross, you die. The same divisions are slowly creeping into middleclass areas like Umoja and Buruburu. Before too long, primary schools within these areas will have no choice but to follow suit. What type of patriotic Kenyans will we produce from the upcoming one-tribe primary school in the middle of Nairobi? Can you imagine the fiasco that will be the inter-school games/debate etc?

Ok, for those still thinking that this is primarily a low class tenancy issue, how many successful Luos/Kalenjins are confidently moving into the affluent Runda Estate? Does the decision to instead move to Langata or elsewhere have anything to do with the fact that Runda is pretty much in the Kikuyu Kiambu district?

What about the Ogiek like me? Should I therefore live on top of KICC because no Nairobi estate recognizes my existence?

Hii mambo gani bwana?

Different Spys At Kumekucha

I sincerely hope that you are enjoying your Easter holidays immensely. I would not dream of spoiling it with some hot breaking news that will worry you (I leave that to Tuesday). And so I have decided to talk about the interesting characters who regularly pass by at this site (some of them literally live here and I am totally charmed that they should find this such a cozy home)

Here at Kumekucha we have various ways of being able to tell where comments come from and so let me share with you the different types of commentators we have here (based on my insider info).


The Serious Diasporan
The group I love most. These guys love their country, some of them so much that I have often felt envious. They are always annoyed at the fact that this blog sometimes has too many abusive comments. It irks them that a discussion on the future of the motherland should be turned into a joke or a mchongoano (abuses) contest between Luos and Kikuyus. Many of them have written to me and on two occasions I have given some of them (whom I knew from before and trusted) the opportunity to help me solve the comments problem. Only then have they been able to empathize with my situation.


The Diasporan seeking Entertainment
Life out there in the Diaspora is not totally a bed of roses, as most Kenyan believe. You really miss home more so if you are totally stressed with your job or studies. And so some folks have to “let off steam” by seeking some hilarious entertainment. Many of them find it in the comments area of this blog. Hence you will see Taabu’s mistress, Phil’s mistress etc. This is a tricky group because some of them spoil the blog with their “extreme French” if you know what I mean while others make this place so entertaining that when I am low I usually come here to read the comments and within no time I am guaranteed to be rolling on the floor with laughter, tears streaming out of my eyes.

The Intelligence Community
Many, many readers of this blog do NOT believe that this group exists here. When I first pointed it out in 2005 many dismissed it as a figment of my imagination. Today I have plenty of evidence to prove that not only do they leave comments here but they monitor this blog religiously (and send out reports). Many times they step in to do damage control when it looks like we will frustrate their objectives with the information we give here. Like recently when some people were determined that nobody should take Paul Muite seriously when he says his life is in danger. Actually Muite has shut down the Kwekwe squad with his utterances (at least momentarily). My only fear is that some other interests may still carry out hits and make them look like Kwekwe.


There are other fascinating groups like what I would call Jeshi la mzee who always heckle on behalf of their “employers” and then there are the locals who seek inside information among other groups of commentators.

Those my friends are the people who make this place so addictive.

Do have a happy Easter folks but please make sure you are NOT flat broke by the time Tuesday comes.

The Cold Nairobi Nights

The nights in Nairobi can be really cold.

Many nights in this capital I go to sleep at around ten and crawl under my covers when the temperatures are still pretty sweet. In fact, I'm into this habit of staying outdoors to suck in the sensuous air with my rambunctious sons. They've fallen deeply in love with the land of their father.

What I always find shocking is the heat of the day. Look, I just came back from Indiana and shouldn't have to complain about the swinging temperatures in these equatorial lands, but I do, man. That said, I still love Kenya better. The weather here is fantastic, the food is awesome and the people are so sweet.

Today as I walked down Koinange Street and had to get into a store/shop to escape the heat, I thought of the erratic Kibaki leadership. We have been through a perpetual ride that takes us high then low. What has been noticeable through this man's cursed presidency is that the nation is only cool when others make it so. What would have have happened had Raila not taken a bullet in his chest for Kenya after the stolen elections? Indeed, what good have we seen in this nation where Kibaki acted alone?

All I'm saying tonight, as you take this Easter break, is that we are tired of the now-cold now-hot Kibaki presidency. Can't this man from Othaya ever make it cool for a prolonged period of time.

Make Kenya cool, man!

Is Paul Muite’s Life Really In Danger?

I sat there frightened, lonely and confused in a foreign country away from home and felt completely and utterly defeated.

All these emotions had been caused by two simple questions I had been asked in response to my claim that my life was in danger back home in Kenya. The questions were; How do you know? And who wants to kill you? Although I had enough evidence (including emails) to prove what I was saying, I realized then how difficult it is for anybody to prove that their life is in danger. My situation was complicated by the fact that I always instinctively protect my sources of information and sometimes even go out of my way to disguise the direction in which my info came from. So as I listend to myself talk I knew how unconvincing I must have sounded.

Paul Muite: Running scared

Yesterday a frightened-looking Paul Muite held a press conference to tell the world that his life was in danger. But he went beyond that and named his world-be assassins. And in an even more drastic move he has written to the UN’s International Criminal Court (ICC) in The Hague, asking them to investigate and prosecute President Kibaki over extra-judicial killings.

The question on the minds of most Kenyans is whether Muite is simply playing politics or his life is indeed in great danger? Actually to cut a long story short, Muite has cleverly moved very fast to save his life as his fears are fully justified according to my sources.

In fact if you carefully examine Muite’s actions you will quickly realize that they are the actions of a man who seriously fears for his life? What would you do if you got information to the effect that some people take your life? You would blow the whistle (this often scares off the would-be assassins) and then you would try and get on the offensive against the people. Now Muite’s move of going after the president is both interesting and instructive.

Sample the following. The Kwekwe squad is a professional hit squad and there is a very visible pattern in the way they operate in the executions they have so far been suspected of carrying out. The truth is that assassinating people is NOT as simple as it looks in the movies. You need lots of intelligence information on their movements, habits and so on to carry out a successful hit. No hit-man can afford to botch a hit. The interesting thing here is that the Kwekwe squad gets all its’ intelligence from the NSIS (National Security Intelligence Services). Now we all know that the NSIS reports to only one person, namely the highest authority in the land. Jijazie (fill in the dots).

There is yet another reason why Muite is NOT joking about his life being in danger. Some weeks ago I was informed about an alleged Kwekwe squad hit list (the list is in my raw notes) that consisted of a few prominent names mainly in civil society. Muite’s name was NOT on the list, however when you look at most of the names on my earlier list and then add Muite’s there is something in common that immediately emerges. Amazingly most of the people on the list are a threat to national security in the sense that their activities are bound to split the Kikuyu vote and thus frustrate plans of the executive and those close to him to secure their future by influencing succession politics and the next occupant of State House.


Related articles;

Major assassinations in Kenya that had “threat to national security” written all over them

How Standard raid was plotted and executed from State House Nairobi

Constantly Blundering NSIS?


Possible useful information

Have you dropped your laptop? Is it overheating? Do you suspect the hard drive has crashed?

Coalition Troubles In Kenya: What Next?

Press Statement From ODM About Kilaguni

There is plenty of evidence to suggest that Mwai Kibaki sees himself as another Jomo Kenyatta. Cool and calm and collected amidst all kinds of troubles and crisis that are inevitable for a president to encounter regularly. A classic example is during the post election troubles. President Kibaki was calm and asleep as the country burned and was only nudged half awake when calls started coming in from the White House and State department. In fact he even instructed his cabinet ministers to play down the crisis by telling the press those early peace negotiators, Desmond Tutu and former president of Ghana John Kufour were in the country for a cup of tea.

Then yesterday when he came back into the country there were traditional dancers to entertain him and welcome him just like it was in the Kenyatta days. Why doesn’t the government cut this useless expenditure and use the money to feed the hungry? Kenyans would faint in shock if they knew the budget used for welcoming the president back into the country yesterday after a two day trip!!! Wonders never cease in Kenya do they?

But Mwai Kibaki can never be Jomo Kenyatta because 1963 was very different from 2003. Kibaki does not have the power Kenyatta had and never will. Neither is he as cunning as Baba Uhuru was. Again Kibaki cannot arrest Raila and detain him without trial the way Kenyatta arrested and detained Raila’s dad Jaramogi Oginga Odinga.

Still there are some similarities. Kenyatta’s government murdered JM Kariuki, cutting his private parts and stuffing them in his mouth. That dramatically quieted the excitement in parliament at the time and killed the rising ambition and unrest that was brewing against the Kenyatta government. Mwai Kibaki’s government had two top officials of the Oscar Foundation gunned down in cold blood and that quieted the civil society most of whom have now gone underground and have shut their mouths tight since the incident. Nobody wants to stop a hail of bullets from the Kwekwe squad.

But I digress. What I was saying today is that when you understand how Mwai Kibaki operates and thinks, you will know that as I write this post (9:20am Kenyan time) he is most probably still asleep and life is going on in its’ normal slow pace at State House Nairobi. The man probably still believes that there will be no election until 2012. Very funny indeed because the big question now is whether we will have a country left by the time 2012 rolls up. Already it is no longer a question of if the grand coalition government will hold but one of how much longer it will hold.

Still I have to admit that the president’s handlers are extremely busy and working overtime to “read” every move of ODM and Raila Odinga and counter it quickly. Clearly they are running scared. Already the president’s men know that they have William Ruto and a handful of MPs from the Rift valley in their pockets. However they seem to ignore the fact that they have lost the biggest single political party within PNU which is Martha Karua’s Narc Kenya.

In fact one thing the press has totally missed in their reporting of the problems in the coalition government is the fact that major re-alignments that have taken place mean that it is no longer a matter of ODM versus PNU. Martha Karua is now an ODM ally while Ruto is a staunch but quiet PNU supporter. Which is just as well because Ruto and Karua seem to be sworn enemies these days.

However looking at the numbers PNU are clearly in trouble and that is why their empty threats to bring a censure motion against the Prime Minister is hilarious. This is one of the reasons why money would have started talking by now to get the necessary support in parliament, however this time round the government is terribly broke and to make matters worse Anglo Leasing funds in foreign accounts (which would have now been used) were frozen yesterday. Read the story HERE.

Actually whichever way you look at the current political crisis in Kenya, it is clear that we are headed for chaos. For starters ODM are determined that they will not play into the hands of the presidential advisors and walk out of government. Their strategy is to fight from within. And remember that the President cannot fire the Prime Minister because his office is entrenched in the constitution. And then remember that mass action (ODM’s favourite lethal weapon) is scheduled to be unleashed on hapless starving and impoverished Kenyans next week. Actually my sources tell me that ODMers came out of yesterday’s meeting ecstatic, like they had already won the long drawn out battle that is ahead of us. I think they have realized that they have Mwai Kibaki cornered and the sleeping president doesn’t even seem to know it.

Brace yourselves folks, the ride ahead is definitely going to be rocky. Very rocky.


See also: Was Karua Raped?


Kumekucha Launches Campaign

I have no idea how and when but let me assure you that elections are coming soon. Let us start thinking about how we will vote.

One of the good reasons for getting rid of all the old guys in power now is so that younger guys who are more familiar with technology can enable Kenyans to benefit from it. I will give just one example. Technology can be used very effectively to fight crime. We already have hidden cameras in town (not enough) and we already have an initiative by a private company to help people track their stolen cell phones. We also have the stalled DNA testing crime lab that is yet to be built.

However much more can still be done and only younger dot come generation Kenyans can figure this out for the country. As it is with the current jokers firmly in power, George Muhoho will always be re-appointed managing director of the Kenya Airports Authority (I mean the man is over 70 years old!!!). Are there no younger able qualified Kenyans? Besides the man does NOT need the job while many younger Kenyans do!!

As I have said here often, there is no way these old dinosaurs can give us any new ideas.

P.S. The argument I always hear is people asking what the young guys in the current political system have done. Well, the thing is they can NOT do much when the decision-making dinosaurs are still in power. We need radical surgery in Kenya. How about electing a 40 year old as President? Okay Maximum 45 years!!!?


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The Truth About Kilaguni Retreat

THE TRUTH ON THE COLLAPSE OF THE KILAGUNI TALKS
A PRESS STATEMENT FROM ODM

The ORANGE DEMOCRATIC MOVEMENT wishes to state that the Prime Minister of the Republic of Kenya, the Rt. Hon Raila Amolo Odinga (the Prime Minister), and the ODM members of the Permanent Committee on the Management of Grand Coalition Affairs (the Permanent Committee) went to Kilaguni retreat in order to identify, isolate, discuss and resolve all the issues affecting the smooth running of the Grand Coalition Government.

We did this in order to enable the country move forward. It was in recognition of the fact that without resolution of these issues, the Grand Coalition Government would not be able to deliver on the People’s Agenda set out in the National Accord. The full and faithful implementation of the National Accord, in both letter and spirit, is well over-due.

The primary purpose of the Permanent Committee is to ensure that the Grand Coalition Government can function and resolve issues within it.

Unfortunately we were not able to agree on issues for discussion; issues which had been agreed on before hand. In fact,by March 14, 2009, the Joint Secretaries had prepared a Draft Agenda, which was typed and printed by the Presidency and Cabinet Office in the Office of the President on March 14th, and which ODM tabled at Kilaguni, contained the following items for discussion:

• President’s opening remarks
• Prime Minister’s opening remarks
• Minutes of Meetings held on 6th and 11th February,2009 (to be tabled)
• Matters arising
• Draft Terms of Reference and Working Modalities of the Permanent Committee
• Draft Grand Coalition Agreement
• Confidence Building within the Coalition
• National Unity and National Cohesion Agenda
• Issues affecting the Grand Coalition and mechanisms for resolution
• Evaluation and monitoring of the implementation of the national accord report
• Image building for the Grand Coalition
• Prof. Philip Alston’s report and Institutional Reforms
• Review of progress on the implementation of the national accord, including agenda 4
• Collective Responsibility
• De-politicization of the Public Service
• Any Other Business
  

The PNU and their joint secretary have not denied this FACT.

At its first meeting on February 6th, 2006, the Permanent Committee had agreed that in order for the Grand Coalition to run smoothly, a Grand Coalition Agreement and Terms of Reference and working modalities for the Permanent Committee needed to be prepared.

Indeed, the Joint Secretaries researched on ,met, discussed and consulted extensively on both instruments. Draft copies of both documents were subsequently prepared and circulated to the members of the Permanent Committee by the Joint Secretaries for discussion at Kilaguni. This was done more than one week prior to the Kilaguni Retreat.

In point of fact, both PNU and ODM agreed in the Draft Terms of Reference and Working Modalities that whatever either party wanted to be on the agenda for discussion would be included for deliberation.

In addition, the permanent committee’s meetings were to be closed to non-members.

The Kilaguni discussions were scheduled to take place on Friday, April 3rd, to Sunday, April 6th, inclusive. It was agreed that apart from security, only members of the Permanent Committee plus the two Joint Secretaries, would attend the meting.

However, upon arrival at Kilaguni, the ODM team found the entire place swarming with more than one hundred officers from the Office of the President (OP). The Director of National Security Intelligence Service, the Head of Public Service, the State House Controller & Private Secretary to the President and horde of other senior officials that ought not to have be there, were brought there by PNU team. The PNU coalition also invited Hon. Mutula Kilonzo and Noah Wekesa, who are not members of the Permanent Committee, in clear breach of the Terms of Reference and Modalities already agreed upon.

To make matters worse, the PNU coalition came armed with a Draft Agenda which was different from the joint agenda that had been agreed to and distributed to members.

The ODM team requested the PNU Coalition Members of the Permanent Committee to agree for the Joint Draft Agenda to be tabled for adoption and discussion to no avail.

Upon realizing that the PNU coalition did not intend to abide by the Joint Agenda, the ODM team prepared a second draft agenda with the following items:

• Management of the Grand Coalition
• Membership of the Permanent Committee & setting up of the Joint Secretariat
• Decision making and Government Communication
• Appointments in government
• Protocol
• The State of the Economy
• Security Organs
• Implementation of the National Accord
• Coalition Agreement (see minutes of Feb. 5th, 2009, page 3)
• Prof. Philip Alston’s report
• Fast Tracking Reform Agendas 1,2,3 and 4 agreed to at the Serena Talks
  

The ODM team then asked their PNU Coalition Partners to attend the meeting and have both Draft Agendas discussed so that an amicable decision could be made with respect of the issues of discussion but the PNU team flatly refused, insisting that it was their draft agenda or nothing.

The Prime Minister and the entire Permanent Committee went into the conference room on Saturday, April 4th, 2009 and attempted to resolve the differences without success. The Prime Minister then asked the PNU team to invite the President to come to the conference room so that all the contentious issues could be discussed and resolved. Unfortunately, the President refused to attend.

Both teams went for lunch and returned to the Conference Room with Prime Minister, hoping that the President would attend but this never happened. However after the Prime Minister asked for a brief break for consultations at about 2:30 PM, the president approached the conference room rather than stay and sit, he proceeded to a private office located on the second floor of the conference room.

Believing that the President was in the conference room ,the Prime Minister and the ODM team returned only to be met by Hons. Uhuru Kenyatta , Moses Wetangula and George Saitoti, asking the Prime Minister to go upstairs to the President.

It was at this point that the Prime Minister correctly advised the PNU team to invite the President to the conference room of the meeting. The President either refused to come down to the meeting. Instead, the PNU team started discussing “the need for an exit strategy”. They wanted the Prime Minister and the ODM team to agree to issue a Joint Press Statement in which the country was to be misled that the Kilaguni Talks had gone on well.

At about 3:30pm, the Prime Minister and the ODM team realized that neither the President nor the PNU team wanted to discuss the serious issues ailing our country. A decision was then made for the Prime Minister to return to his hotel room as both teams continued to stay in the conference room.

Barely ten minutes after the Prime Minister returned to his hotel room, the President climbed down and went back to his suite. The President did not even greet the ODM team. He passed the prime Minister’s room even without stopping to say “Jambo!”.

The meeting had collapsed!

ODM believed that we cannot have a functioning Government and Coalition without an honest recognition, isolation and resolution of the issues affecting the Grand Coalition and the country at large.

PNU, on the other hand, insists issues cannot even be discussed and that the retreat was meant as a PR exercise!

ODM is fully committed to have service delivery to all Kenyans; a serious discussion of all issues affecting the people of Kenya, particularly poverty and the state of the economy, unemployment, inequalities and inequities in resource allocation and distribution, grand corruption, extra-judicial killings, institutional reforms and legal reforms; and comprehensive constitutional review.

It is common knowledge that the National Accord provides for real power sharing in Government between President Kibaki / PNU Coalition and Prime Minister Raila Odinga / ODM. Yet one year and a half following the formation of the Grand Coalition Government, the only power that has been shared with ODM is the cabinet. President Kibaki continues to disregard the provisions of the national Accord and indeed the constitution by making major decisions affecting all Kenyans without regard to his coalition partner.

This situation must change!

We hope and expect the leaders of the PU coalition will show good faith and join us in attempting to address issues affecting our nation and people. But this must be done in full compliance with the National Accord. Reforms cannot be bought by lies, half truths, concoctions and power games by the PNU coalition.

Martha: Please Take Your Grievances to Court

Lies mutate into all forms and shapes. So Ms Martha Karua wants all and sundry to believe that her fight for reforms caused her the ministerial job? Well, may be to many Kenyans weaned on the same sumptuous plate of national lies. Otherwise it is very difficult to justify the cheap gloating and glee from people falling for her sideshow like flies attracted to fermented milk.

When you read a Kenyan gloating that Kibaki did a Bildad Kaggia on Martha then you don’t need to visit a youth centre to witness juvenile bravado. The only good thing from lies is that they are sweet to cheap ears sprouting from either side of an empty box burdening the shoulders. Well, the list is long as Wangari Maathai, Kalembe Ndile, Waruru Kanja, Munene Kairu and Bildad Kaggia would tell you.

Lies are infectious and once told, you have to invent another to cover the one before it hence forming a firm foundation of PYRAMID OF DECEPTION. Now we read about principles that are as transparent as a plastic sheet whose shape remains at the mercy of any mild source of heat. The TRUTH is Karua would be still breathing fire warming PNU belly as a Deputy Prime Minister.

Kenya WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN and anybody using the present fraudulent parameters to plan her auction will wake to the rudest of shocks. No amount of half truths peddled by playing EXPECTANT SURROGACY predatorily lying in wait for fallout will deliver.

Martha has come full circle in just 15 months. The political Paul cannot shed the Saul blood running through her veins. Make no mistake! The panic in the camp Martha left without intellectual tent is palpable. Meanwhile she is handsomely reaping the ultimate wages of sin. But it will turn really nasty when the shit finally hits the fan. Any potential political suitor is better warned that Samson at least had Delilah's BEAUTIFUL FACE as an excuse for falling short of God's glory.

Tapes don’t lie
It must be unbearably painful to put your life onto a course only to see the prize awarded to pretenders crowned as a prince. But again Martha must have seen it coming given the history of serial betrayal since 2003.

Tapes don’t lie and all the denials of inaudibility and their quality won’t wash. Martha is no fool or naive and the political pressure cooker is threatening to give in. She is acutely aware of her vulnerability and insecurity. But the gatekeepers won’t dare touch her lest the overgrown worm born in December 2007 crawl out soiling all and sundry.

A caste built of vices only becomes a fortress of serial schemers hellbent on self destruction. The big political and national bang will come fast and furious. We haven’t seen anything yet, NA BADO.


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Can We Fight Crime With Technology?

I did not want to drown Taabu's controversial post and so I have decided to add my brief post here. Besides it does NOT really warrant a new post on its' own.

One of the good reasons for getting rid of all the old guys in power now is so that younger guys who are more familiar with technology can enable Kenyans to benefit from it. I will give just one example. Technology can be used very effectively to fight crime. We already have hidden cameras in town (not enough) and we already have an initiative by a private company to help people track their stolen cell phones. We also have the stalled DNA testing crime lab that is yet to be built.

However much more can still be done and only younger dot come generation Kenyans can figure this out for the country. As it is with the current jokers firmly in power, George Muhoho will always be re-appointed managing director of the Kenya Airports Authority (I mean the man is over 70 years old!!!). Are there no younger able qualified Kenyans? Besides the man does NOT need the job while many younger Kenyans do!!

As I have said here often, there is no way these old dinosaurs can give us any new ideas.

P.S. The argument I always hear is people asking what the young guys in the current political system have done. Well, the thing is they can NOT do much when the decision-making dinosaurs are still in power. We need radical surgery in Kenya. How about electing a 40 year old as President? Okay Maximum 45 years!!!?

Martha Karua Resigns Amid Slowly Crumbling Coalition Government

Breaking News

Martha Karua has kept her word and resigned from cabinet citing her inability to do her job due to interference from her boss (the executive) and those around him.

I greatly admire this woman who has never been short of courage.

She was carjacked once in the famous father Wamugunda incident and she held her head high through the whole ordeal as the scandal broke and in the end it was the press who blinked first.

Martha Karua today joined the very short list of cabinet ministers in Kenya who have dared to resign.

Then she is also a survivor of the Busia plane crash of 2003 that killed another cabinet minister and others.

However in the latest move political analysts point to the fact that she really had no choice but to resign. What do you do when you are the justice Minister and judges are appointed and sworn in without your knowledge? Besides the timing was also extremely politically prudent because Mwai Kibaki’s government is turning out to be the most unpopular ever. Clearly fresh elections are not too far off in the horizon and those who are still hanging close to the current government will have a very hard time seeing parliament again. By resigning now Martha positions herself as a rebel, the righteous woman who could not stand the stench in the place she worked and quit in protest. She is at least sure of seeing the insides of the 11th parliament.

Unfortunately that is not the whole story. Ms Karua is still positioned prominently and clearly in the minds of most Kenyans as the legal brains behind Mwai Kibaki’s election theft of 2007. Indeed as she has pointed out several times, she stood and defended Kibaki when trouser-clad males around her were either shaking in fright under the table or peering from behind her skirts.

In fact one of the reasons she started falling out with the Kibaki regime is that she was overlooked even after the gutsy work she did and in the end the person who got appointed Prime Minsiter and heir-apparent was in fact one of those peering behind her skirt when things got pretty hot around the president last January.

Still one cannot deny the fact that Martha Karua’s resignation has had a big symbolic impact on the grand coalition government. More than anything else it has exposed the weaknesses and vulnerability of the PNU side of the coalition. If the grand coalition government is a Mugumo tree then her action has cut a couple of inches into the tree and proved more than ever before that this huge strong tree shall fall after all. It is only a matter of time.

Karua has done what the noisy ODMers cannot dare do--at least for now.

Published earlier today: What happens if the grand coalition government collapses?

What Happens If The Grand Coalition Government Collapses?

There is this guy I know who went and married a cute 20 year old girl as his second wife. He was 41 years old then. (I have no idea why Kenyans do crazy things and expect their leaders to be more level-headed). So when he lost his job, she promptly left him and told him to call her when he got a job or had money. Meanwhile she went for a prolonged holiday in Mombasa (financed by her boyfriends).

At least this story has a somewhat happy ending because on losing his job, the guy started his own business which quickly and miraculously thrived and he rushed to Mombasa to fetch his 20 year old beauty, snatching her away from the arms of this good-looking Arab guy who fortunately did not have much cash.

The grand coalition government “marriage” is on its’ last legs and believe it or not it all has to do with money, just like in my friend’s case. However in this particular case “the wife” is definitely NOT coming back after the separation happens.

Are my “parables” confusing you? Let me switch to some plain language that you can understand.

I have said in this blog several times that the “cement” keeping the coalition together is cash and that once the cash ran out, the coalition would be history. And because I believe what I write here, the first thing I did after the dramatic “acrobatics” of this past weekend at Kilaguni was to look for tell-tale signs that there is a cash crunch in Kenya. I quickly found plenty of interesting stuff to confirm this.

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A Little Good news for a change: You can now follow Chris as he receives highly sensitive info throughout the day and even get to know posts he is working on well in advance. You can even have a private chat with him. Follow him at Twitter. Find him in Twitter @KumekuchaChris. You will even get to see a photo of him (never before published on the web but will now be visible ONLY to his followers on Twitter). Remember that a lot of the stuff you will read on Twitter will NEVER be published because, as has been said here before, most of the information Kumekucha receives is too hot to publish or takes too long to verify (or is impossible to verify) and can therefore NOT be published. But you will be able to read it all on Twitter. Get to Twitter pronto, get there now and find Kenya's most popular and influential political blogger @KumekuchaChris
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For starters the government has recently revised its’ budget making a hefty cut of Kshs 23 billion that will terribly affect the quality of services to the public in the last 4 months of this government financial year. This is the second time in two months that the government is cutting back on expenditure. What does that tell you?

Then even more alarming, the government has requested money from the IMF (about $100million) specifically to replenish the country’s foreign exchange reserves. Read the full article on the government’s recent cutback HERE.

And as if to confirm that all is NOT well, Deputy Prime Minister and Minster for Finance Uhuru Kenyatta warned over the weekend that the government would not be able to deal with the many “problems” facing it if the coalition partners did not stop squabbling. What problems would be at the top of the mind of Uhuru Kenyatta just now?

Armed with this information, it is not surprising at all that at the first sign of rapidly dwindling resources to feed on, the grand coalition should start wobbling. If truth be told there are other factors that caused last weekend’s circus but money was and remains the main reason.

But let me digress for a minute for the sake of those who do not think that Kilaguni was a circus. Well it was!! So many ludicrous things happened. For starters President Kibaki traveled all the way to Tsavo and then gave the morning session a miss as all the squabbling was going on. Why go to Tsavo to sleep? Are there no beds in State House Nairobi? History will remember President Kibaki as the experienced carpenter who always hated sawdust to the end. In other words the president is a politician but hates political mud fights which are what most politicians thrive on. But that is a post for another day.

Still on the subject of sleeping arrangements, there was squabbling over the allocation of rooms at the luxury tourist resort with some attendees complaining bitterly why they weren’t allocated rooms similar to the Presidents’. Then there was the dramatic walk-out by Raila Odinga. The President promptly sent for him and the PM sulkily refused to come back. If that wasn’t a circus then I don’t know the meaning of the word.

So what are the other factors that have contributed to the events of this past weekend?

Politics, of course. Every politician knows that the pressure from the ordinary folk for change is soon going to be overwhelming and will force an early election (contrary to what the President thinks). This has obligated them back to the drawing boards and the chief concern is how to face the clearly angry electorate again with limited funds. You see despite the unprecedented corruption and feeding frenzy in the one year that the coalition government has existed, most are yet to recover their “investment” of the last elections.

This is one reason why Martha Karua’s handlers have advised her to resign (she is expected to resign later today from the cabinet). Her resignation now would give her immense political inertia considering the fact that President Kibaki and most of his cronies are extremely unpopular at the moment. She would be the hero of the moment in Central province and beyond and this would raise her profile and inject life into her presidential bid. Still in my view the ghosts of 2007 hang heavily on Martha. She cannot just shake off the fact that she was the main legal mind behind Mwai Kibaki’s theft of the election. Kenyans are known for their extremely short memories but this one….aiii!!!! I have my doubts as to whether they will forget in a hurry.

Gosh this post is getting too long and so let me close by answering the question in my title. What happens if the coalition falls apart? Well ODM’s position is that we will go back to the polls. On the other hand PNU’s position is that the constitution is supreme and therefore we will revert back to the constitution and the President will re-constitute a new cabinet.

So clearly there will be a crisis and then add to that the fact that most Kenyans are totally fed up with this government and you realize that there is only one answer to the question I have posed;

CHAOS.

P.S. The gap between ordinary folk and privileged Kenyans is widening by the day. There is no better place to clearly see that than in the comments section of this very blog. On the ground ordinary Kenyans are totally and completely sick of the ODM and PNU nonsense and are united in the belief that both political parties are really the same evil thing. That is in sharp contrast to the situation here in Kumekucha where PNU-and-ODM-which-is-better debates have persisted, completely refusing to go away.

Also a must read;

Kumekucha's earlier warning in March: Titanic government fails to see icebergs ahead

What Kumekucha said about the silver lining in the coming cash crunch that is already here


News Extra
Cell phones get stolen a lot. And that is why a new service that I have just heard about should make a huge difference. Dubbed Ujanja, the service uses satellite technology to track a telephone (or even a laptop) to it’s exact location. What happens is that after some software has been downloaded to your phone, the minute it is stolen an sms will be sent immediately to a cell phone of your choice (either your spouses or your friend.). The sms will contain vital information including the new sim card number that has been inserted into your stolen phone and the location of the phone. All this makes recovery very easy.

I am thinking that this is the kind of service that has the potential of ridding us of phone thieves (which is a very big business in Kenya these days). You can get more information on this interesting new service HERE.

Of Ultimate Political Tantrum and Wages of Sin

How some phrases come so handy and very apt in capturing history as it unfolds. Sample these:

1. Chicken come home to roost
2. Asante ya punda
3. Perils of not belonging
4. Dancing yourself lame to a stuck record before the real tunes
5. Your past is a ghost never exorcised and FINALLY
5. Wages of sin ............

Well, living in denial or the naivety of playing plastic surrogacy never caused constipation. You can CON a people sometime but may never know the enormity of the devil you are creating until the can are wide open and the worms come out crawling. The price is big and no vice is SUSTAINABLE.

Storm Clouds Gathering Over Nairobi

When all hell breaks loose in Nairobi, I'll be right here to die with my fellow countrymen. I'll drive down to the JKIA to kiss good bye Kenyans who will have renewed visas to foreign lands and kept their passports ready. After seeing the cowards off, I'll drive back to the city to help this nation figure out where we went wrong and how to get back on track.

You see, I'm getting increasingly pessimistic about the possibility of a meaningful truce between the ODM and PNU. It looks as if the accord signed between Odinga and Kibaki was a silly stop-gap measure, one the PNU side had no intention of honoring. How is it that we are unable to implement Agenda Four? Who is it that stands to gain by keeping the country tied to our moribund constitution? And who is it that stands to gain by remaining adamant in the face of urgent calls to institute sustainable land reforms?

Folks, it is easy to write from the States or Europe or anywhere else and sound tough as hell, but when you are within these borders and you see the faces of destitute, hungry mothers and children, when you talk to a security guard and they tell you that they have to walk from their assignment at a CBD complex to a squalid they call home in Ngomongo because they can't afford the fare, that's when you begin to understand why the games Kibaki's inner circle is playing with our security are not funny at all.

As I write this article, I'm sitting in my office, just across from Uhuru Park. There is a beautiful worship service going on there. Men, women and children are dancing and praising God for Kenya. They are calling upon God to bless our nation. But is God listening? How come just yesterday a meeting meant to heal the coalition government blew up in the faces of our leaders? And how come there is palpable angst all over this nation? Have we come to a point where we can't resolve our differences because Uhuru Kenyatta must be made president of Kenya? Have we come to a point where perpetrators of the post-election violence have determined that they will lead this country...even by force...or let it burn?

Enough!

Kenya belongs to all of us. The time has come to tell those who think they are more Kenyan than the rest of us that we will not take their crap anymore. The Prime Minister was gracious enough to save this nation when it was clear victory was snatched from him. At what point will Kibaki and his team reciprocate that gesture? What kind of greed drives the men around this leader?

Enough!

Either Kenya is for us all or it must be for none of us.

Tackle Corruption Now or Drown in Your Rot

2006 (Taifa Hall, UoN)
"In the end, if the people cannot trust their government to do the job for which it exists - to protect them and to promote their common welfare - all else is lost,"

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FAST FOWARD

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April 03, 2009 (Germany)
"My father was from Kenya. The US is under obligation to help Kenya on many issues but Kenya must sort its corruption problems first," Obama said in response to a question on relationship between the US and Kenya.

The more things change the more they remain the same or even retrogress. Poor Kenya.


A Little Good news for a change: You can now follow Chris as he receives highly sensitive info throughout the day and even get to know posts he is working on well in advance. You can even have a private chat with him. Follow him at Twitter. Find him in Twitter @KumekuchaChris. You will even get to see a photo of him (never before published on the web but will now be visible ONLY to his followers on Twitter). Remember that a lot of the stuff you will read on Twitter will NEVER be published because, as has been said here before, most of the information Kumekucha receives is too hot to publish or takes too long to verify (or is impossible to verify) and can therefore NOT be published. But you will be able to read it all on Twitter. Get to Twitter pronto, get there now and find Kenya's most popular and influential political blogger @KumekuchaChris

New Electoral Commission Boss Must Deliver

He has been hailed as the new non-partisan and smart head of our hitherto discredited electoral body. But can the city lawyer Ahmed Issack Hassan deliver given the politically polarized and poisoned Kenya?

Youth can be both a curse and a blessing. If being savvy and upright was to be derived from modern education and exposure then youthfulness would readily qualify as a blessing. But that may be a tall order given our HELL FOR LEATHER culture as a standard for success. We have seen youthful leaders speedily turn their age into a curse by competing against themselves to catch the older sloths ahead. They have an elastic appetite to grab as much as they can within the shortest time possible.

You cannot fail to hear the deafening sound of TRIBAL GONGS among the Parliamentary Service Commission (PSC). The 39-year old Hassan must have been arrived at as a compromise with roots from the minority and marginalized part of Kenya. Even Ole Kaparo impressive record could not save him from being associated with PNU after failing to retain his speaker’s post with unanimous PNU support.

Curse of youth
All eyes are on Ahmed Hassan and fingers crossed he will banish the ghost of DECEPTION and FRAUD from our midst by exercising his mandate fearlessly and competently. All that hope is premised on the scoundrels in parliament having their acts together this time round and not introducing sideshows.

The consequences of any further procrastination are so grim to contemplate. But don’t hold your breathe yet on any matter where these scavengers hold both the yam and the knife.

Lawyers are often referred to as LEGAL scoundrels and you need look no further to confirm that. A look at their penchant to LEGALLY DEFEAT justice with eyes singularly trained on their fat bank accounts is enough. If confirmed, Ahmed Hassan must use his new post to help Kenyans reclaim their country from the jaws of murderous gate keepers. Will he bell the cat? Well, the jury is still out there on a leisurely tour.

Raila And Ali: Men Of The Month March

Gosh this year is really flying, is it not? Easter is already here with us and yet it was just the other day that we were toasting the brand new year.

Well the month of March did not prove to be the ides of March for the Grand Coalition government but then May beckons. But that is not the subject of this post.

I would like to honour two exceptional gentlemen for what they did in the month of March and I will start with the right honorable Prime Minister Raila Odinga. In the month just ended two days ago, Raila started making noise about his salary and rejected any suggestion that he should be paid the same as the Vice President. In fact he said that he would rather do without a salary than get paid what the VP is being paid.

Now we all know how hard working the PM is. After all he also made history in the month of March by issuing a state of the nation address to the press. Phil of Kumekucha tells us that no other Kenyan leader has ever done that before. So why should the prime minister be paid the same as the VP when he is making history and working so hard?

We are also aware that over 10 million Kenyans are in danger of starving and some may even die as a result of hunger-related complications. However that has absolutely nothing to do with the Prime Minister’s pay. The commentator here in Kumekucha who suggested that all leaders from President Kibaki should take a salary cut in these hard times must have been clean out of his mind. HOW??? How do our hard working leaders end up NOT being paid? What does it matter if a few Kenyans die of hunger? I mean Kenyans are dying all the time from Aids, cholera and stupidity of all kind. So what is so special about now? Ashindwe!!!!

Obama, Odinga, Oliech!!!

I mean lets face it Kenyans have to learn how to respect the office of the Prime Minister after all he is one of the principals. The people of this country really have a lot of matharau I mean how do they expect a whole Prime Minister to operate from a toilet office? Why are people opposed to the planned, almost Kshs 1 billion office for the PM in the former Shell House? Does it matter if Raila is the last Prime Minsiter Kenya will ever have? (Indeed he should be because no politician in Kenya compares to Agwambo. Not even Tom Mboya comes close). Besides the PM’s office can later be turned into the President’s office so Agwambo does not have to move because surely there is nobody else who can be president of Kenya. Is there?

We need reforms badly and we need a new beginning and the youthful 64 year old ODM captain (who is also a serious soccer fan which emphasizes his young age) is the only man who can deliver the much needed change as he has already proved during his short stint as PM.

Kenyans need to give the grand coalition government more time to do their thing. After all poor leaders cannot help the people. We need leaders with cash bulging out of their pockets and literally oozing out of the ears to give the much needed handouts to the people during their meet-the-people tours, especially around election times.

Kudos our beloved PM you are a great inspiration to the country kicking up a storm about your salary at a time like this.

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Did you know that you can get a nice clean hotel with hot water, DSTV and all kenyan channels, balcony for two at only Kshs 1,800? Unbelieveable? See for yourself.
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Our other man of the month is a man that the PM has vowed to deal with. It is none other than Maj gen Hussein Ali himself. The man earns this accolade for defending the honour of the police at all costs. His performance was at its’ peak during the troubles at Kenyatta University at the end of last month. When journalists asked about the student who was shot, the police commissioner fired from the hip and without thinking just like his kwekwe squad wild-west-shoot-out-heroes. Shoot first and ask questions later, is the motto that has helped Ali’s force literally wipe out violent crime. After all we all know that Kenya is much safer these days than before Ali. The tough soldier has just scared almost all criminals out of existence. “It is just a matter of time before the remaining ones are dealt with,” as the good commissioner is always telling us. Kenyans have to understand that if a few innocent people die in the process, this is no big deal. After all more lives are saved in the end by the police eliminating those murderous thugs.

Ali, Kwekwe, Jelimo: Bringing thugs to a speedy meeting with their maker

Anyway as I was saying, in answering questions from the press Ali denied any shooting even before the journalist had finished asking his question. The fact that later he changed his position and said that he would investigate if any policeman actually fired live ammunition at the students is neither here nor there. Ali also strongly denied that his officers had raped anybody after all the GSU are known to be self respecting eunuchs who are incapable of raping anybody. If rape actually did take place then the students probably raped themselves or were raped by other students.

Congratulations Maj gen Ali for protecting your officers from false accusations.

Warning: This was a tongue in the cheek post. Please do not make comments about how Chris has been bought by Raila and Ali


P.S. I have said here before that I think the guys at Safaricom led by Michael Joseph are just brilliant. If you still doubt this, sample the latest innovation from Mr Joseph and his boys (and girls). The cell phone service provider giant has now entered the business of giving unsecured loans and are set to make a killing doing it with no bad debts to talk of. Okoa Jahazi is a new service that has been launched today where subscribers can borrow airtime of upto Kshs 50 and pay back within 72 hours. Of course all this is recovered the next time you load airtime into your phone. The fee for doing this is Kshs 5/-. What this means is that Safaricom will be earning 10% interest on the millions of small loans they will be dishing out. Please note that this is NOT 10% annual interest but 10% on each loan. WOW!!! Even the small loans kings at Equity must be going green with envy.

P.S.2 Two days ago I wrote here about a very innovative new service for tracking your stolen mobile phone. Some people thought that it was an April fool’s prank. IT WAS NOT!!! The service actually exists right here in Kenya and you can find out more HERE. The post by Taabu about Ali’s firing was the April fool’s prank which some of our readers actually fell for. Somebody called me very excited to confirm what he termed as the best news he has heard in a long time. It broke my heart that I had to disappoint them with the bad news that it was NOT true.

Trouble Coming Soon... And With Big Cash

Brace yourself for an ugly recession. Maybe the ugliest Kenya has ever seen.

Over the last two days ominous signs have emerged to confirm this. Two days ago Zain announced a massive restructuring programme that would see a whole 20% of its work force laid off. Yesterday East African Breweries followed suit and announced that they are set to send a large chunk of their staff home. They declined to talk numbers but sources say it could be as many as 200. Then the World Bank has drastically adjusted its’ growth forecast for Kenya to a paltry 2.4%. Read the article about the World bank's adjustments HERE. Some experts think that even that may be just too ambitious.

The shilling has taken a major beating in recent times confirming that remittances from the diaspora were amongst the major factors responsible for it’s resilience which saw it unaffected as the country burnt in post election violence last year. Remittances from Kenyans abroad are set to continue on their course headed south. Which also means that the construction industry (another huge beneficiary of investments from Kenyans abroad) is bound to slow down to thus causing even more Kenyans to lose jobs.

Kenyans are Africans and Africans have huge extended families most of whom are dependants. This means that the trickle down effect of all these layoffs will be enormous to say the least.

Meanwhile we continue to sustain a huge grand coalition cabinet with big salaries and perks even as they embark on a feeding frenzy of public funds through corruption. In fact even as Kenyans face starvation we are still being treated to ridiculous big politician salary headlines.

On a positive note, many people do not realize is that another word for problems is opportunities. Huge fortunes are best made during hard times rather than boom times and myriad of economic-related difficulties in Kenya are already making some Kenyans a killing. Just to quote one example. Cows are selling for a paltry Kshs 300 in Kajiado as Masai herdsmen grapple with the ravaging drought that is killing off their herds like there was no tomorrow. However if you go to your butcher the price of meat remains the same. That means that some folks love this drought and have a bank account balance to prove it.

P.S. Those following the Akinyi/Chinedu soap should read this fascinating article about yesterday’s live episode


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Rape at Kenyatta University

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Police Boss Major Ali Sacked, Good Riddance

That is took the GSU rape orgy of KU female students to have Major Ali fired was sweet revenge served cold. The ex-commissioner had no qualms feigning ignorance on camera whether his charges used live bullets or not. He shamelessly even had the guts to deny any death despite facts to the contrary.

While the barbaric and orgy of massive destructive by KU students must be roundly condemned, the predictable police reactions betrays any trace of civilization from our law enforcement officers. Major Ali has eventually paid for his professional sins of omissions and commissions but we still have a long way to go in terms of modern, effective and civilized law enforcement.

So PC Ali is gone, what next? Without any doubt the shakeup at vigilance House will have far reaching effects. The Mungiki gangs will most likely want to have their pound of flesh extracted from their hither EXECUTIONER IN CHIEF. Add to that Major Ali’s bravado in telling Kenyans to accept disputed polls of 2007 and threatening fire which he promptly delivered thereafter following the chaos.

On a positive note, the comish can now have time to patronize and REGULATE Kameme enterprises from close range and recharge appropriately. But the firing authority may not be sitting pretty for fear of Major Ali spilling the beans. You see Iron Lady Martha is in good company and her gliding mouth will not be zipped anytime soon let the worms come out crawling.

Major Ali may be gone but he was just a cog in the steely wheel of IMPUNITY. Kenya’s gatekeepers will not lose any sleep for lack of any locks. We haven’t seen anything yet. Na bado.