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Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Orgasmic Statehouse Calculations

Kenyans have a problem with arithmetic or math as the Americans call it. And they have had this problem from as far back as anybody can remember.

There was a time a long time ago that they did a switch locally from old mathematics to new or metric mathematics. The new mathematics offered hope for some poor folks who thought that it would be magically easier and that they would stop seeing stars in the classroom. Of course that was a pipe dream.
We are going through a similar phase in Kenyan politics. We are moving towards what I would like to call metric politics for the purposes of this post. The sad thing is that many older folks are still using the same old calculations to analyze the current political scene. I listened to some mostly sickening political calculations in recent days. Most of them made me want to throw up and so I will share the nausea with you today.

Calculation 1:-
Ruto is too smart for these people and so he will go for governor and then Uhuru will be president with Jirongo his vice president. This combination is unbeatable.

Since Ocampo will deal with all the big names e.g. Ruto, Raila and Uhuru the field will be left open for Kalonzo Musyoka who will not have any competition from anybody. He is surely the next president of Kenya.

Calculation 3:-
Because Uhuru Kenyatta will be out of the way the house of Mumbi will have no other option but to put their weight behind Martha Karua for president who will easily win.

Calculation 4:-
This is the turn of the Luhyas. Since Ocampo will wipe the whole field clean of the big names Jirongo will have little or no competition in winning the presidency. His main support will come from Rift valley where Ruto will have left his blessings before departing to the Hague to begin serving his jail term.

I will not bother to answer to any of the above analysis. They are hardly worth the effort. What saddens me is that mostly older Kenyans cannot seem to get away from the old thinking that having one of their own in State house will feel so good that it will be orgasmic for them. Very, very, sad.

Why tribalism is so ridiculous and how science can help rid Kenya of it

Mombasa car dealers to help you get a car at a crazily low price.

Breaking News

In May 2008 a Reuters photojournalist, Trent Keegan was killed in Nairobi. His killers took away his laptop and mobile phone and left his wallet, cash, credit cards etc intact. And yet the Kenya police have been insisting right from day one that this was an ordinary mugging gone wrong. I always get very suspicious when the police start to give theories before investigations have even commenced. More so when Mr Keegan had indicated that he feared for his life.

Initial reports this blogger received from reliable sources was that shortly before his death Mr Keegan was in touch with contacts giving him some sensitive information for some very big stories on Kenya (see my post in 2008 about this also read this Kumekucha exclusive). Strangely the story that stuck was an investigative piece he was doing in Tanzania.

Now the latest is that a glue-sniffing youth who is being charged with the high-profile killing of the Kenya Airways pilot last year has also now been charged with the murder of the Kiwi journalist. Read story HERE.

This is a major cover up that is pretty unconvincing. Indications are that behind this mystery is a very big story which yours truly is pursuing as I have been since May 2008.


Baraka Manani said...

This has to be a new low. Floating Jirongo as a possible/likely president.

With this kind of thinking Kenya will be the stinking pile it is for at least 3 more decades.

Anonymous said...

you have (conveniently) left out one scenario:
with Rutu, Uhuru and others in Den Haag, Raila will sail smoothly into power in 2012. The wishy washy Kalonzo stands no chance.

Philip said...

Those who know politics in Kenya know very well the algebra is so difficult, that the smart ones have decided to remain silent.

Rumours has it that Eugine Wamalwa is part of the formulae, but will he lead to the solution. Let me sit down and wait.

Philip said...

and Chris, I beseech thee to remove the nude picture above. You wrote:

"Any posts breaking the house rules of COMMON DECENCY will be promptly deleted, i.e. NO TRIBALISTIC, racist, sexist, homophobic, sexually explicit, abusive, swearing, DIVERSIONS, impersonation and spam AMONG OTHERS. No exceptions WHATSOEVER."

But it seems you are the first to break the lal, just like our MPs.

Sayra said...

Chris, this is unacceptable. why do you like posting photos of half dressed people here? Luke is always preaching to you that this is a family blog and its like you have not yet understood what that means.

last time you had a photo of Obama's chest (mhmm) and i 'complained' about it ... and now this!!!
wacha kuwa hivyo Chris ... there many photos on the net that are kinda approprite.

Anonymous said...

As usual this is a pro raila post. he is the one with the right calculation, that's why his name is not here.Why do you people feel so bad that people other than raila want to be president? I will do my calculations and stand for president. It's none of your effing business.

kumekucha said...

Hi Sayra,

If I remember correctly you were very excited about that Obama pic. Lol.

My position is that when local TV stations stop carrying ads of models more naked than the one in my illustration, I will happily remove the illustration. I really don't understand what all the fuss is about, the model is fully clothed in a swim suit.


Sayra said...

Chris stop lying ... i was not excited (and pliz wacha kuharibu cv). and for whatever reason you now making the main stream media sound like heroes ... the same guys you have been dissing are now your bench mark. aiiiii

Anonymous said...

@ Philip.

Since you were born you have never spoken something more powerful than this:

Those who know politics in Kenya know very well the algebra is so difficult, that the smart ones have decided to remain silent.

Anonymous said...

now now now now Chris my brother, lets have a chat

i don't even know where to begin....i feel like we've been down this road together so many times....

ever since its inception KK has had many loyal readers followers,across all ages and tribes,and some of your fans till now have never had a single complaint against this blog despite some tumultous times in the past(e.g. KIOKO BC, fake psychologist doctors,NSIS etc)

the bone of contention i have with you Mr.Kumekucha is why do you keep your supporters pictorial reasons to keep off this leading, informative, entertaining,well run website and interactive website

NEVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF KK have you ever posted a FULL NAKED FEMALE BODY on the main post!supposing some loyal woman fan of KK who also happens to be a mother is reading this and "mamie jnr" her daughter walks into the room and sees her mom looking at this blog on the computer with pictures like this?what is she to think? what should mama watoto tell "mamie jnr"

I implore you Chris, for the sake of uniting and keeping families in our great nation together-Keep It Clean! this as i always say is a family blog read by parent,children,househelps and even watchmen with internet phones. most of the people leaving comments here are ordinary mwanaNICHI tuu, not all of us are seated in rich western capital cities typing from air conditioned offices

I have no choice but to introduce the Keep Chris Off Love Posts blog monitoring software. i'm sorry bro you forced my hand

LV2-CH?uta do?

Anonymous said...

C'mon folks. Writer's block is a biach. Chris has simply padded his real story (Trent Keegan) with the "sexed up" state house wish list title, photo & all. Heads have mysteriously stopped rolling since the Ngilu-Kiunjuri mud slinging contest hogged headlines in the month Alfred Mutua promised action complete with breaking news SMS updates. In short, there's nothing much to write about.


Anonymous said...

STOP IT Luka!!! My ribs can't take it any more!!

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard. Chris pls keep the xxx photo it serves at least one life-saving purpose (laughter ni dawa you know, hata ya Ukimwi)

Marasa Kubwa Ya Dame

Mwarang'ethe said...

History of the String Bikini that gal is wearing:

Philip said...


Nakedness is subjective. Whatever you see as not nakedness is nakedness to us.

I hereby pray for you:

Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Forgive our friend Chris for the sins he's committing,
Help our friend Chris from getting spoilt,
Help him so that he can see clearly that he is making us to fall,
Help him know clearly that Jesus said whoever makes this little ones to fall better a stone tied in his feet and he be thrown in a sea,
Give hims strength and guidance so he can start preaching your Word instead of politics in this blog, and now putting pictures of naked woman,
Please Lord hear my prayers,

2 Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps said...


My goodness gracious me! A naked woman is making you fall into temptation?! Jessus! Thank you for making my day!
Are you that weak?

My friend, the problem is YOU and not Chris or the naked woman!

Do you know your ancestors never wore any clothes - just a piece of animal skin around the waist. At least that woman on the photo has chest covered.

You are behaving like those Middle Eastern guys who come to the West and when they see half-naked women going about themselves, they start shouting Sharia law with eyes struggling with double-vision.

You must never be detered by political correctness. Stand by what you write and your instincts.

Anonymous said...

Kenyan society is Prude, yet they are among the most immoral society in the world!

Just watch this video

Taabu said...

You better yield to Sayra and e-cop LEST (brimestome). And you know what, people often complain at what they OGLE at. But for the sake if e-family do the needful, lest .........

WIG1-1 LIV, was it a FLUKE? Stop walking alone please, will you?

Anonymous said...

Kalonzo is the next President of Kenya! Mpende Msipende!

Kalonzo is the only untainted politician in Kenya today.

He is the only peace loving politician who can unite all Kenyans under one nation.

He got the experience and is well liked by many Kenyans...*cough*

If u want a better Kenya choose Kalonzo 2012.

Anonymous said...

what has that photo got to do with anything ,the las thing we want in kumekucha is porn.

Anonymous said...

kalonzo my foot! when he can't even herd wakamba to vote as a block. he needs to take lessons from agwambo and now ruto who will follow their tribal king even if he drives them into a ditch.kalonzo as a president would be too weak to slay all the impunity dragons from the kenyatta, moi to kibaki era. let him fight ukambani supremacy wars with ngilu and wavinya, those are his political equals. let him try senator or governor since a fraction of the wakamba believe in his'leadership'. let him leave the presidency for the 'big boys' - actually, right now there's only one big boy, guess who?

Anonymous said...

I don't know what language you understand.
Ruto is a pawn being played by PNU, ultimately to get UK of the ICC hook.
Idea is to rubish all these Waki,KHRC etc reports and get there.

Ruto is accustomed to be "used". Moi did so. Why not PNU.
The man is "saved" and will do anything for MOANIES

we take heart that ICC is not subject to "suggestions" appearing all over the press. It is a LEGAL driven institution and evidence will be the final victor.

Whatever we want it to be. Whatever the acrobatics we perform, ICC ,legally must start with the Questions as to who controlled the state security machinery. what was the commission/commission of the C-I-C of the forces in Kenya?
That is where justice will start flowing as it should.

Have you heard that this Bunge want to go beyond what new katiba says?-this is Africa!

And Moi tells us in public that he "will seek" an appointment with Kifaki about Mau. Me thinks that the Kroll report is what he meant. Poor Wanjiku in the face of this greedy economic class.
Ruto is just a street performer on hire!

Anonymous said...

raila will never be president not after PEV. The victims, raped and injured, widows, orphans, and all those who lost their lives and property and all those who may have lost the same had they invested in the "wrong" provinces or considered "kabila adui" will neither forget nor vote for him.

You can take that to the bank this time round raila over played his hand , he may have won the battle but lost the war

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