Commissions-Of-Inquiry-Country And Old Stale Tactics That Don’t Work Any More

It seems that the dinosaurs of Kenyan politics still just don’t get it because they seem to be still insisting on using old tired “tricks of their trade”. Don’t they realize that they are dealing with a totally different breed of Kenyans?

Almost a week after Amos Kimunya’s attempt to drum up tribal sentiments to rush to his defense over the Grand Regency sale scam badly flopped, occupants at the same address where the silly idea was mooted in the first place (State House) are at it again. This time they have come up with yet another old and extremely “tired” trick.

Completely ignoring the seething anger and growing impatience of Kenyans, the duly elected president in consultation with his State house cronies has gone ahead and appointed yet another a commission of inquiry even as the country currently chokes and stumbles under the sheer weight of a quite a number of genuine commissions that emerged out of the Anan peace talks earlier this year.

Kenyans are now fully aware of what a non-genuine commission of enquiry means. In short when you want Kenyans to forget about something, the thing to do is to appoint a commission of inquiry and spend millions in tax payers hard earned cash in long endless proceedings that will make the participants fairly rich for doing nothing but seating in a room and listening to what they already know so as to produce a report that has a dust-gathering-corner in State House or the office of the president waiting for it as it’s final resting place.

And just like Kimunya’s tribal strategy fell flat on it’s face, this latest commission of inqury-to-the-Kenyan people will not work either. But maybe while the president is at it, why doesn’t he appoint another commission of inquiry to investigate yet anther scandal linked to him, namely the decades-old Kenren Ferterlizer saga? Wishful thinking I know.

But maybe I can make another suggestion that will be helpful for the purposes and objectives being pursued here. Why not constitute a commission of inquiry to investigate past and present suspicious dealings that prominent Kenyans have had with the Libyans (PNU diehards will love that one, please don’t ask me why if you don’t know).

The really sad thing is that this preoccupation with old political tactics is what drove the country to near-collapse early this year. The rigging of the presidential vote (now confirmed by a new American exit poll) was done in almost exactly the same way a parliamentary seat in a Nairobi constituency was stolen in the late 60s by the same people. Why wasn’t the rigging of the presidential vote at least done professionally (the way Moi used to do it)? Then, mercifully, many precious Kenyan lives would have been saved.

BUT maybe on second thoughts Kenyans should just throw in the towel and submit themselves to endless commissions of inquiries. Here are a few suggestions for commissions that should be constituted immediately to address “urgent” issues of national concern.

i) A commission of inquiry should be set up right away to investigate the duly existing first lady and find out whether she is just a serial “slapper” or something more. The commission’s terms of reference will include investigating why the first lady made a dramatic come-back purchasing hair-pieces in the streets of Nairobi and why she did so when the duly elected president was out of the country. Suggested commission chairman:- Gitobu Imanyara assisted by elders from a certain clan in Meru (translators to be provided.)

N.B. This commission is especially recommended since translations will take ages and the commission can therefore appropriately drag on for a very long time thus maximizing on allowances paid and also ensuring that Kenyans will be so exhausted about the whole thing by the time the commission ends (earliest estimated year it can end is 2013) that they will be just relieved to see the end of it. And nobody will ever ask such a pumbavu question again.

ii) With all due respect a commission of inquiry should be constituted to investigate and find out who is the president’s true wife and why Mary Wambui (whom we have been told by an official statement from State House is NOT a member of the president’s family) has state security guarding her residence in Lavington around the clock. Suggested commission chair: Lucy Kibaki

iii) Another commission of inquiry should be appointed to investigate what kind of pumbavu ghosts are in the d*** Grand Regency Hotel that have caused a good “my conscience is clean” cabinet minister who previously got away with much to finally meet his Waterloo. Terms of reference will include suggesting appropriate exorcising action to be taken. Suggested commission chairperson: Margaret Wanjiru MP for Starehe.

iv) Commission of inquiry to investigate whether it is true that the wife of a certain president of Kenya pushed a wheelchair right inside the State house swimming pool with a very important VIP seated on it. Suggested chairperson for this very important commission of inquiry: Mary Wambui (political activist).

v) Commission of inquiry to investigate the 10^th parliament and where exactly the Amos Kimunya censure motion really came from and what the motives of the pumbavus who launched it really were. Special terms of reference to focus on MPs Dr Bonny Khalwale and Charles Kilonzo and find out why they were so funny in their contributions in the house during the debate to censure Kimunya and to recommend appropriate action against them for their sterling performances that still has many Kenyans rolling over in laughter including this blogger. Suggested commission chairman: Amos Kimunya assisted by U. M. Kenyatta.

vi) Commission of inquiry to investigate Koinange street and what goes on there daily after 7:30 PM and the political personalities involved. Special arrangements to be made so that at least half the commission sessions are held at the said K street. Suggested chair: A certain cabinet Minister (name with-held for legal reasons), assisted by Moneybags Livondo (political activist).

vii) Yet another Commission of inquiry should be set up immediately to investigate where Raila Odinga buys his suits and where Amos Kimunya gets his colognes. Suggested chairperson: Esther “Mama Supuu” Passaris, assisted by Phil of Kumekucha.

viii) Finally a commission of inquiry should be set up to examine all past commissions inquiries and determine whether allowances paid and money spent was enough (a lot more can be spent on this good cause as other less important issues like Pumbavu IDPs take a back burner. The commission should make recommendations on how to increase remunerations to future commissioners now that the KRA is increasing it’s efficiency all the time and collecting more taxes. Suggested Chair retired President Moi, assisted by Kamlesh “Paulo” Pattni.

P.S. Police commissioner Maj Gen Hussein Ali this week told a commission investigating post-election violence that if the situation were to repeat itself today he would do exactly the same thing he did earlier this year “without changing a single thing.”. He emphasized that the police did not use excessive force to quell post-election violence.

Those statements must have sent a chill down the spines of numerous Kenyans who know better. Like medical workers who removed police bullets from innocent Kenyans whose only crime was to be poor and slum dwellers and morgue attendants who received bodies of toddlers and pregnant women even as numbers of the death were downplayed.

So this weekend (from Saturday right through to Sunday) in our brand new weekend special series we will have a Kenya police weekend special. Weekends are sure never again to be boring—especially when there is no breaking news—here in Kumekucha because this weekend and every weekend to follow, I will feature the funniest and also the most bizarre stories about various hot topics of the day, tomorrow I launch the series with my hilarious but also informative Kenya police special.

Read fascinating information from the most unorthodox methods used by CID officers to track down criminals and thugs (trust me you don’t want to hear about these bizarre and out of this world methods used, including “techniques” employed by one famous lady officer) to Kumekucha’s very own account of 48 hours in the hands of the dreaded, blood thirsty merciless police who made innocent Kenyans create and confess political crimes that they had never committed during the dreaded Mwakenya crackdown in the early 80s.

It is all happening right here in Kumekucha.