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Monday, November 19, 2007

The End of English Empire is Here

In the global arena of language wars, the English dialect has been dealt a severe blow albeit cleverly. In 5 years time the formal English spoken will be nowhere near what we know it presently. Forget about the Queen's English, the language in its bare facts will be history.

To stem the competition between the Germans and Britons, the European Commission has silently but skillfully sounded a death knell for the English language by announcing that English will be the official language of the European Union. Germans are red with fury after narrowly missed out.

But there is no free lunch as the Brits had to pay a price is concessions. During negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

From January 2011, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly this will make European sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

By Januarry 2013, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer pepl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und after zis fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German; lik zey vunted in ze forst plas.

4 comments:

Proud Kikuyu Woman said...

Woe unto Taabu. How will you get along? Your English is normally more advanced that the average Englishman's.

Vikii said...

Taabu as PKW says, as a brother I am feeling for ya man. It's gonna be real hard for u, don't you think?

Nice piece bro. Tuko pajamo

Anonymous said...

Thanks tabuu - because now I know that my Swiss-German 'flavoured' English will soon become the official language ..... and you made me laugh - something we all need doing during these days. Thanks again.

MB

Reader - Mombasa said...

Very funny. Quite a breath of fresh air from the politics busy Kumekucha.

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