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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Guess Who Wants To Be President?

There is nothing wrong with anybody wanting to be president of the republic of Kenya, after all it is their constitutional right. But there are many times when I am extremely grateful that wanting and becoming president are NOT the same thing.

Before I talk about the central character I want to talk about in this post let me start with some encouraging news on the forthcoming presidential elections. It seems that finally we have some very different kind of candidates thinking of standing for the highest office in the land. My view is that as many of these kind of people should be encouraged to stand for the presidency so that, among other things it forces a change on the ground rules where Kenyans can now begin to look beyond the tribe of the presidential candidate and instead focus on their vision and potential to bring about real change in Kenya.

Some of the faces we are likely to see that are exciting me include former chairman of the Human Rights commission, Maina Kiai and Mwalimu “error in the budget” Mati. None of these gentlemen are anywhere near being perfect for the job but then standing for the presidency does not mean being the ideal candidate. There are a number of other interesting names lining up that I have opted to leave out at this time. But please keep your eyes focused on this space and I will spill the beans soon.

But back to the main gist of my post today.

Insider sources are telling me things that make my ears ring and emotions well up inside me (not good emotions I can assure you).

Have you heard of a lawyer called Mutula Kilonzo who is now Justice Minister? I am sure you know plenty about the current Mbooni legislator. But chances are that you hardly know anything about his past. This Kumekucha post should update you quite a bit on that.

Anyway, in recent times you will have noticed that Kilonzo seems to be campaigning for something. He clearly stood on the side of majority of Kenyans when the cabinet was debating the controversial subject of forming a local tribunal to try post election violence suspects and ended up opting for a lame truth and reconciliation commission. Mutula said some very nice things that must have endeared him to many gullible Kenyans. More recently the “recently brave” legislator has named names in parliament of people he says are corrupt including the president’s bosom buddy and close advisor Eddy Njoroge who is the CEO of Kengen.

Some political analysts have noted what Mr Kilonzo is doing and have suggested that the man is still campaigning for Kalonzo Musyoka who is expected to try for the presidency again in 2012. What these analysts don’t know is that Mr Musyoka and Mr Kilonzo are not the friends they were during the 2007 presidential elections. What is emerging is that Mr Kilonzo has seen many political blunders that Musyoka made in 2007 and believes he can do a much better job this time round.

In fact Mr Kilonzo believes that he even gathered plenty of experience from that race. Did you know that it was Kilonzo who was behind the infamous “wiper” slogan that Kalonzo Musyoka used in his presidential campaigns. Now I have a question to ask. What exactly was that wiper business all about? What did it mean? Did the common man (voter) understand what it was supposed to mean? I am still buffled as we speak and don’t have the slightest clue what it was meant to say. What was Kalonzo Musyoka wiping? I suspect it had something to do with the windshield wiper of a car. Now how many matatu-travelling-Kenyans can identify with that?

And this brings us to the main weakness this would-be presidential candidate would have in any race for State House. He is totally out of touch with the ordinary folks on the ground. We can start with his vast Mbooni constituency where as you read this Kenyans are starving. Fellow Kenyans things are really bad with our brothers down there, believe me. No deaths have been reported so far but my sources on the ground tell me that things are catastrophic and if you visited the place you would not believe that you were still in the same Kenya where some readers of this blog had a five course lunch today.

This is why I get upset when some characters announce their interest in being president. You see it is fairly easy to read their minds. What do you think they are dreaming about? Helping Kenyans? Improving the lot of ordinary folk? OFCOURSE NOT. They are dreaming of long motorcades (much longer than that of the president of the USA for instance). They are dreaming of honour and glory for themselves. And that is one reason why things went badly wrong shortly after we emerged from the polls in 2002.

And you can be sure that this is the same thinking that the whole lot (e.g. Kalonzo Musyoka, Mutula Kilonzo, Raila Odinga, Uhuru Kenyatta, William Ruto etc) have. They are all oblivious of the kind of pressing challenges facing ordinary folks that need to be addresses like yesterday.

I will finish my post with a short story from some of Mutula Kilonzo’s constituents.

In the run up to the last elections, Mutula asked some constituents from Mbooni to organize a “small crowd” (mainly for the TV cameras) to pay a “courtesy call” to a group of politicians from Ukambani (including Mutula himself) who were having a meeting in Nairobi. When the constituents asked how the poor folks were to be transported all the way to Nairobi (to get to Nairobi from Mbooni you need to travel to Machakos first where the fare is the same as what you will pay from Machakos to Nairobi), Mutula advised that they get transport on credit and the bill would be footed the minute the Matatus arrived in Nairobi.

When the group arrived in Nairobi Mutula received them warmly and promised them that they would get money at the end of the meeting. When the meeting was over he changed his mind and told the rural folk to pay their own transport back and then their leaders would visit his offices at Corner House in Nairobi on Monday to collect the cash to pay all the expenses.

To cut a long story short those leaders of the group from Mbooni ended up being stranded in Nairobi without even the fare to get back home after several promises failed to materialize weeks after that Monday. To this day, almost 2 years later, Mr Kilonzo has NOT honoured his pledge to his poor constituents who were forced to foot the bill. And to make matters worse, the people of Mbooni never see their MP on the ground these days. He is too busy building his national profile (and now you know why). Chances are that he will rush to Mbooni at the very last minute and the people will vote for him to be president (almost to a man) because he is one of their sons. Or so it seems (I hope that they can give him the nasty surprise he deserves, especially after the hunger pangs they are suffering just now).


Taabu said...

Wewe wacha kuonea Mutula, kwani alikula mbuzi yako? Mutula is the prince Kenya has been waiting for and now it seems you are USING YOU NEW POST AT NMG to drag his name in mud, ushindwe.

Come to think of it Mutula is a top notch lawyer with unparalleled sharp mind only comparable to Shakespeare Aaron. And why would besmirch our saintly VP, the messiah to ailing Kenya from above?

And lastly please Chris confirm or deny that you are garnering for Mbooni seat. Will you Bw KK?

Anonymous said...

I cant believe it was Chris who wrote this post.He displays an amazing level of naivety and ignorance.One,maybe you werent even in Kenya during the campaigns for the very chaotic 2007 polls.If you were,you couldnt be asking how the wiper slogan came about about and believe you me it had nothing to do with cars or matatus.Have you ever waved at a person or a crowd with a full left to right motion of the hand several times?If you have,then you have just known you made a wiper motion.PERIOD.Two,that tale about Kilonzo transporting constituents is nothing really to get excited about.It was a trend started by Moi and later extensively used by any other Kenyan politician of note so spare him on that,unless you want us to believe,you never saw those poor rural folk from upcountry who had camped at ODM headquarters for two days with no fare back home after attending a delegates conference at Kasarani.Stop being like Kenyan politicians who bash their opponents for a thing but never bat an eyelid when it is them doing it!

Anonymous said...

Annonymous said in a previous post;

Mwarangethe has become a chorus boy for Kumekucha trash posters. When you find someone agreeing with everything Chris, Taabu and Okello have to say every day, someone trying hard not to contradict them even when they are spreading raw tribal spews, then it clearly illustrates that the fellow is a learned moron.

i am dissapointed in Mwarangethe.

I must say that this Anon sounds like a Kibaki chorus boy to me. Mwarangethe's comment have always been very thought provoking and fascinating for me to read and I have seen him disagree with Chris a few times, the most recent example being the Tom Mboya post. Mwarangethe's position is that Mboya is hardly a hero and is repsonsible for the current constitution mess.

So check your facts Kibaki chorus boy. Or shall I say Gichangi chorus boy?

Anonymous said...

HILARIOUS!!!mutula for president.only in kenya will such crazy absurdities happen......kwanza that wiper thing, spot on, i always wondered what the...?is it supposed to depict wiping something off or on?

Anonymous said...

Hallo Chris,

What was the post all about? I understand from very reliable sources that your own father was one of the delegates from Mbooni. So i understand your bitterness. But i also was informed that there were two groups, one that was genuinely invited and the other that gathered from around Nairobi in the hope that Kilonzo would be fooled and give them fare they never used. The original group had their money reinmbursed the same day why your fathers group were fed in one of the upmarket hotels and allowed to return to the estates (Nairobi suburbs). Stop spewing lies Chris.

Kumekucha Prefect

luke said...

wewe Chris what do you have against slogan chanting?

Anonymous said...

where is Mwarangethe to paste some trash from some mzungu book supporting Chris recent hollow post?

i mean what's wrong with the wiper slogan. or asked better, what was so brilliant with ODM's chungwa slogan that was actually thought and publicized by the former electoral commissioner?

and by the way, Chris predictions about assasinations and disasters in Kenya that he had published a while ago never came to pass. seems his witch doctor let him down.

Anonymous said...

KALONZO"S wiper slogan only meant that he will be the one to wipe kibakis ass everytime the mzee shits himself oops wiper iko wapi!

Anonymous said...

Chris is just another jaruo pretending to be from ukambani to give his criticisms of kalonzo some credibility. Will odm never forgive this man for running for president in 2007? I know many kambas who have no problem with voting for raila in 2012 but they resent the continued demonisation of "their son" just because he stood in 2007 and his people voted for him. His people voted for him and somehow wasted their votes.But it was their right.

Phil said...

If you attended any of the orange rallies prior to the 2005 referendum, you would not be asking where the wiper slogan came from or what it means. In other words if you voted NO then you understand why this slogan and the party was hijacked by Mutula/Kalonzo axis through their surrogates Maanzo.

We welcome the candidature of Mutula. In a multi party democracy, anyone, including Sam Okello, George Saitoti, Moses Wetangula, William Ruto, Samuel Porghisio, Cyrus Jirongo, Peter Kenneth and even Chirau Mwakwere can run for president, as the likes of Mungatana, Uhuru and others dream about being PM.

We shall see how far these patriotic Kenyans will go and I wish them luck in this new challenge.

Philip said...

Welcome back Chris.

And you can be sure that this is the same thinking that the whole lot (e.g. Kalonzo Musyoka, Mutula Kilonzo, Raila Odinga, Uhuru Kenyatta, William Ruto etc) have. They are all oblivious of the kind of pressing challenges facing ordinary folks that need to be addresses like yesterday.

You are right there, very right. I agree with you wholeheartedly, however what you have failed to do is to mention my name and instead you have mentioned Mutula, Mati and Kiai as likely contenders for 2012 presidential elections.

I have campaigned in vain in Kumekucha but people like you have ignored me and instead you may opt to go vote again for wolf in sheep's skin, unless you also want to run for presidency, maybe we need to meet and form a coalition, ama?

I can tell you that even Mati and Kiai cannot lead Kenya well, though they are better than the crop of leadership we have who are more of noisemakers in parliament or snore most of the time at State House. Kenya needs loving, selfless, generous leader like me. I can turn Ukambani region from a semi arid region to a leading exporter of sukuma wiki, onions, tomatoes, cabbages, millet, cassava e.t.c within two years for I'm good at sustainable farming, that uses sand dams and drip irrigation efficiently and to the maximum.

And by the way Chris, what about Kiarie? You know I mean K.J of Redikyulass. Is he going to run for Presidency? He can join in our coalition. I'm willing to take V.P, after all I'm not running because I'm thirsty for power but I'm running because I want to serve the people of Kenya.

People of Kenya, for the first time, in me, you will get a leader who will be your servant. God bless you, God bless Kenya.

Anonymous said...

this ^^^^^^ is hillarious..

look at this.. 'I can turn Ukambani region from a semi arid region to a leading exporter of sukuma wiki, onions, tomatoes, cabbages, millet, cassava e.t.c within two years for I'm good at sustainable farming, that uses sand dams and drip irrigation efficiently and to the maximum;

now this dude deserved 1000 bonga points..

M-Pesa said...

Some few years back I was in a crowd at Corner House waiting for the lift when Mutula and two other men in expensive designer suits pushed everyone out of the way including ladies to get in the lift first. I was speechless! Eventually, I managed to get inside the same lift as well and when it stopped, Mutula and co rudely pushed everyone again including an old lady who was on his way without any apology whatsoever. This is when I realised that Mutula only cares about himself just like the political opportunist he is. What sort of man gets in a lift by jumping the queue and pushing women away?

Anonymous said...

Kalonzo "Msaliti" Musyoka's wiper slogan only meant that he will be the one to WIPE Mwai "Pumbavu" Kibaki's asshole every time Mr Pumbavu shits.

Kalonzo Msaliti is just a complete sell out. What he knows best is to preserve the pumbavu status quo at all costs - like he did by putting undue pressure on Samuel Kivuitu to release the fraudulent presidential results of December 2007 that allowed Mwai "Pumbavu" Kibaki to STEAL the elections that he had LOST.

After Kalonzo has "succeeded" in maintaining the status quo, his next biggest hobby is to lick the ass of whoever is in power - like he is currently continuously doing by "wiping" Mwai "pumbavu" Kibaki's ass hole with his tongue.

Anonymous said...

Kalonzo will be the next president of Kenya, and Mutula Kilonzo as the VP. For once Kenyans deserve a Kamba led goverment and see how talented these people are!

Anonymous said...

Anon 2:30 AM,

Ati Kalonzo president and Mutula VP? Don't make me laugh. These two clowns belong to a circus troupe.

You also claim:

"For once Kenyans deserve a Kamba led goverment (and by this you mean Kalonzo and Mutula) and see how talented these people are!"

That is one of the most laughable and hilarious comments I have ever heard. I have nothing agains Kambas - but these two clowns! Forget it.

I am sure that their must be other Kambas who have better leadership abilities. I shall name one: Charity Ngilu. Madame Ngilu has more leadership ability in her that 1000 Kalonzos and Mutulas put together.

Anonymous said...

In this era of barter trade i choose not to waste ma time and emotions on Kenyan politics.

Anonymous said... may want to substitute "stand for the presidency " with "vie for presidency". It's petty but removes the direct translation from "anataka kusimama kuwa rais"

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