My spiritual advisor was giving me some advice the other day. Excerpts…“Chris, this being an election year there will be plenty happening and I notice that you take some of these things very personally. Too personally. Kwani who are you? Anyway it is not good for your health. And what you feel will not change anything. You should take yourself less seriously? Why don’t you post jokes in that Kumekucha blog of yours?”
Jokes in Kumekucha? But that is ridiculous.
But 3 weeks later I have chewed on what that wise Tanzanian said. It is true I take myself too seriously. And so you will also find a political joke at the end of this post. Enjoy and quit taking yourself so seriously, life is too short for that.
* * *
I have spent the last 3 months or so down on the ground with ordinary Kenyans trying to discover the most popular presidential candidate. It was an interesting experience because after a while I started getting the feeling that I was trying to stuff presidential candidates down the throats of Kenyans.
Martha who? Eti Raila? Ukitaja jina ya huyo mtu tena itabidii utoke hapa (if you mention that man’s name again you will need to leave).
And so I threw away my elaborate forms, notes and papers and started listening to the people. Really listening. What emerged may be a joke to most folks, but it is an accurate representation of what the majority of ordinary folk feel right now.
My poll results show that former President Moi is the most popular presidential candidate in the ghettos of Kenya today. The feeling amongst the people is that during his tenure they had a lot more cash in their pockets. The people are desperate to return to those days.
Huyu mtu Moi hawezi kurudi? Constitution mpya inasema nini? (This man Moi cannot come back? What does the new constitution say?)
Tying at second place in the Kumekucha poll is Professor George Saitoti and Rev Mutava Musyimi. Ordinary folks believe that if Moi cannot be brought back then the next best person who knew what Moi did that made it possible for them to have cash in their pockets is GeorgeSaitoti who was his VP for many years. It was not immediately clear to me why Musyimi ranked so highly in my poll but my guess is that it still has to do with getting the money to return.
I emerged from my tour of Kenya very confused but very clear on one thing. This presidential election is going to be about money in the people’s pocket, presidential hopefuls take note.
The really bad news is that evil Moi is going to carry a lot of clout in Rift valley politics this time round. No governor is going to get elected without his blessing. I find that really really sad.
* * *
Joke ya kusindikiza post….
While walking down Haille Selassie Avenue one day a pot bellied Kenyan MP is tragically hit by a speeding matatu and dies on the spot.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see waheshimiwa around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in I am a lawmaker from the republic of Kenya,” says the MP who was at the forefront of voting several times for indiscriminate salary increments for MPs.
“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the MP.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.” And with that, St.Peter escorts him to the lifts and he finds himself going down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They even sing Kanu yajenga nchi for good measure. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on nyama choma, mukimo and Tusker. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. Everybody is shocked after all they have heard about Satan before.
They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift goes back up...The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it's time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the corrupt MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.” So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in bags as more trash falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers the MP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate juicy nyama choma, drank cold Tuskers, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning....Today you voted. Si you know politics?"
Happy New Year Chris Kumekucha. It will be an action packed one, with the foreboding elections later this year.
ReplyDeleteA few issues.
-Where was this survey taken? Surely the MP from Langata should have featured prominently as a candidate of choice.
-This fellow, Rev Mutava Musyimi, I am sure no one on the ground knows him. I will conduct my own survey to ascertain this.
-As a stickler for details, Why would the MP's friends be dressed in evening dress to play golf?
And finally, who in your opinion would be a suitable candidate to propel this nation forward?
@Chris,
ReplyDelete1)Kwani you share a spiritual advisor with Mrs (late) Kirima - Prof (dr) Maji Marefu kutoka Uguja? LOL.
2)On another note wewe kwenda. Why are you raining on MPigs party? Stop being jealous.
@Mwarura+Luka,
Good job guys. I see the VP gleaned Mwaura's post and is now suggesting live debates which he trashed in 2007 (the more thing remain the same .......)
Luka remind Chris to respect the VP lest he gets reported to Kibunja for being the paragon of intellecual gimmickry (PIG) - LOL.
HNY 2012 folks, NA BADO.
Taabu said:
ReplyDeleterespect the VP lest he gets reported to Kibunja for being the paragon of intellecual gimmickry (PIG)
--------------------------
Or a Petty Insignificant Gnat (PIG)
@Chris,
ReplyDeletePlease answer the question by @MichaelMwaura and @Taabu i.e. what "SCIENTIFIC survey" are you doing in Tanzania (read LOLIONDO-SONJO PLAINS) no prizes for the right answer please
@Taabu
cheeky wewe,bure Kabisa, ati Kalonzo is the wrong PIG for PORK wapi Kibunja apeleke huyu......
Poor Kenyans!
ReplyDeleteThe present situation, and the BLEAK FUTURE cannot be understood in the way we discuss these stuff.
So, for those interested, we offer some skeleton ideas on the EVOLUTION of our quagmire:
1. When we got our "independence", the ECONOMY was exapnding. There were various reasons such as:
- excitement of being free,
- building of various institutions,
- coffee, tea etc were doing well generally in the global markets.
2. Just to mention agriculture as a hint. The World Bank started PROMOTING coffee, tea in as many as POSSIBLE 3rd world nations. That was the 1st shot in ECONOMIC WAR.
3. As usual, we never noticed that. All we noticed later was that, the price of our EXPORTS was going down while our IMPORTS were going up.
4. Some FAR SIGHTED 3rd world leaders, gathered in early 70's to change this. They went all the way to the UN and came with a generally sound ideas.
5. In response to the 3rd world challenge, the West formed G - 7 to CONFRONT 3rd world.
6. In early 70's, USA fired the other shot by giving its Cold War grains while restricting exports. This DOUBLED the grain price.
7. In early 70's, an American investment banker was dispatched to ADVISE the Saudi Arabian Central Bank on the DIRECTION of the flow of the FORTHcoming petro dollar.
8. Up to 1973, our loans for DEVELOPMENT were about 2 - 3%.
9. With "oil crisis," we were forced under Kenyatta to take MORE loans. These loans were the dollars directed from Saudi Arabia.
NB: Do you remember the American adviser?
10. In 1979, to avoid HYPERIFLATION in the USA, they pushed their rate of interest to over 18%.
11. As such, in 1979 when Moi came to power, he found himself paying at over 20% interest the loans Kenyatta had acquired.
12. Here, we now see the start of ECONOMIC CONTRACTION of the Kenyan economy as resources were diverted to pay 20% interest rate.
13. Now, in a CONTRACTING ECONOMY, the only means of earning WEALTH and FAME is politics.
ReplyDeleteThis explains the entry of the Young Turks into power games with Moi in late 80's and early 90's.
14. So as to ensure we paid those ANCIENT loans, Moi was asked to start AUSTERITY programmes.
And, here, we see the start of Moi and West confrontation.
NB: Are they liking it in Greece, UK, Spain NOW?
Now, Moi, being not an idiot as many think, saw that:
- sacking of civil servants,
- privatization of parastatals would make Kenyans poorer.
14. The Young Turks, interested in POWER and WEALTH, joined with the West to confront Moi.
15. Moi, being an African man, just like Mugabe, dug in. Therein, we see the 1990's confrontation.
It is during these confrontations, Moi, in utter frustration said this:
"Mwafrika ni kitu chafu kama ngozi yake."
In other words, what Moi was saying is this. It is one thing to attack Moi and his weaknesses, but, it is STUPID to join with colonialists to bring AUSTERITY on Kenyans.
15. As usual, in our DELUSIONS, all this was dismissed as Moi's stupidity. When all this was going on, our economy was being destroyed.
16. In 1996, came the KILLER blow. The WB/IMF supported as usual by the Young Turks led by ECONOMIST KIBAKI, demanded the AMENDEMENT of the CBK Act. This amendment was the LAST BLOW.
17. When Kiabki took over, being a "good guy" of the WB/IMF, was allowed to EXPAND money/debts by the WB/IMF in the way Moi was blocked.
18. However, the way the money was expanded, was a TRAP. It was a trap because, that money/debt was used to INFLATE existing assets and PAPER WEALTH.
NB: We wrote about this 2 years ago.
19. Now, that DEBT needs to be paid.
And, this is the legacy of BANKRUPTCY of a nation, Kibaki and his fellow Young Turks will bequeth the next generation.
Does it mean we are defending Moi's mistakes? Not at all. We recognise them fully.
However, it is one thing to tell your brother is wrong, but, it is another to join the enemies of your people so as to attack your own brother.
This situation can be summarised this way:
When the GREATEST GENERAL, Hannibal went bak to Africa from Italy:
- He attempted to hinder the magistrates from plundering the republic. But, did they not complain of him to the Romans? (DONORS).
The question is:
How was it possible for Carthage to maintain her ground when the wretches:
- wanted to be citizens without a city, and
- to be beholden for their riches to their very destroyers!
That is, the same question facing Kibaki and his Young Turks.
With that, we leave to enjoy:
Mind Who You Beg For Help
http://is.gd/h6oNGY
6. In early 70's, USA fired the other shot by giving its Cold War grains while restricting exports. This DOUBLED the grain price.
ReplyDeleteShould read:
... giving its Cold War ENEMY...
@ Michael Mwaura
ReplyDeleteI cannot reveal the exact locations where I did my survey lest I reveal my whereabouts. I am in a very dangerous business as you know and it gets much more dangerous as we approach elections.
Actually the PM ranked third in my survey. But the general feeling I got is that ordinary folks are fed up with the same old names (including the PM) but seem to favor Moi.
About the evening dress and golf it was a political joke and so you are supposed to be under your table gasping for breath because you are laughing so hard. Not dissecting every tiny little detail in the joke.
Chris Kumekucha
P.S. Luka my broda come off it! Eti Loliondo kwa babu?
P.S. Thank you for your new year wishes Bwana Mwaura. I also take this opportunity to wish you a fabulous 2012.
...Today you voted... did crack my ribs with a deserved laughter to say the least.
ReplyDeleteChris, welcome back once again, and please execuse my year-round most common grammatical errors, usage, style and other missteps that continue to interrupt and pollute some good original post at Kumekucha, when least expected.
Anyways, each new year brings changes and new opportunities, and I hope the same turns to be a reality for many Kenyans whose lives, careers, businesses and aspirations didn't fair well in the course of 2011, and during the past nine years under Mzee Mwai Kibaki's adminstration.
...can't believe that in this day and age there are those among us who are still clamouring for the good old Nyayo days and a return of Mzee arap Moi, given all that was inflicted upon a fairly large parcentage of the population through out the country during the Nyayo era.
Don't they have any clue of what type of brutal reality that took place beyond their homesteads, villages, regions and behind the political scenes for almost two decades and a half?
Well, it maybe a case of some sort of selective amnesia, however, the rest is painful history and that most Kenyan in their right state of mind would rather not glorify, or even desire to revist after the fact.
Further, those of us who are still clamouring for what we still believe were good old days of abundance and a better Kenya, are yet to find out why every four in five second-marriages always end up in very acrimonious divorce, or the worst type of hellish seperations for the couples involved.
Change of regimes and consequent political transitions are akin to second or third marriages.
There are marriages that work out well - against all odds - because of the solid foundations that were put in place during the infancy stages.
While there other marriages of political convenience that get afflicted with a series of unfortunate events, or worse, riddled with disastrous outcomes.
So far, I am very much afraid that wake-up calls like the one from hell ...Today you voted... will not a ring single bell for many of us after 2012 and even in after 2017.
Unfortunately, we will continue to deserve the type of leaders that we elect to return to the old colonial edifice that still serves as the country's parliament.
The devil will be so glad (quick) to remind the general population that ...Today you voted... in 2012 and you have no entity to blame but your pathetic selves.
What do the polls on the ground indicate between Daniel arap Moi vs. Kalonzo Musyoka?
ReplyDeleteWiper or Viper? Kalonzo initiates charm (tet) offensive twelve months in advance prepration for a major take over of the house on the hill, State House.
I look forward to publicly debating with fellow presidential aspirants on political ideology, policy issues related to economy, and jobs creation, security, education, agriculture and foreign relations. ~ Kalonzo Musyoka, future president of Kenya.
Kumekucha, don't forget to keep a special political ledger of how many incumbents in parliament will be removed or eased out from the ranks of waheshimiwa to the ranks of wahishiwa, the details that will have precipitated their removal from parliament after December, 2012.
ReplyDeleteA picture is worth a thousand words. Moi's having the last laugh. Come to think of it, Moi has outlived millions of Kenyans born between 1970-80, including most of the older politicians who once thought that he was nothing more than a passing cloud.
ReplyDeleteMpigs spending time in hello.Why as well move parliment to kibera.
ReplyDeleteThe poll prefering Moi is more about Kenyans' resignation to fate and their frustration with the present leadership and the whole lot of piliticians. They are all talk and no none of them walk it. SHAME.
ReplyDeleteAnon @2:54AM
ReplyDeleteI was wondering when The self-appointed anti-black race basher would return to grace us with his presence, happy new year!
why do you still loathe and despise yourself so much? It is so unfortunate but just like the rest of us you were born African by accident
stop projecting your self-loathing onto others and by the way your attempts to paint us all with the same brush only shows how affected you are by skin color, now that you are pointing fingers what talk or walk have you done to shame the rest of us 40 million Kenyans?
Anyway, you have earned your place in history with the accolade for "the judge of Kenyans 2012"
Are we Kenyans stuck in a rut or simply cursed to underperform? We all have brilliant ideas that never leave our heads. We are so good at poiting fingers and make no effort to effect what we mouth. And before we accept anything we run to the racist scapegoat aka imperialism.
ReplyDeleteBottomline: we can do better but upto now we remain our won worst enemies. No need to split hairs.
Are we Kenyans stuck in a rut or simply cursed to underperform? We all have brilliant ideas that never leave our heads. We are so good at poiting fingers and make no effort to effect what we mouth. And before we accept anything we run to the racist scapegoat aka imperialism.
ReplyDeletexxx
Look, most people do not SEE what is infront of their eyes. Even worse, when they are told, they do not HEAR.
Do you want to see how this game is played?
WATCH HUNGARY right NOW.
If you are SMART, you will see what is imperialism and how it works.
They are trying to TAKE CONTROL of their central bank. Study that case carefully and you be enlightened instead of mouthing things you have not take time to study.
NB: Leave your emotions and be guided by FACTS and LOGIC.
We are not talking of HISTORY now, no no, just open your EYES and you will see LIVE IMPERIALISM at work in Hungary.
Anyway, since you believe anything you try will work under the CURRENT ARRANGEMENTS, when we tell you with 101% CONFIDENCE that:
- IT SHALL NOT WORK,
we leave to enjoy:
They use money to penalise the poor:
http://is.gd/Er64NQ
@KID,
ReplyDeleteMerely reproducing what you have read on the web about Hungary does not qualify for imperialism. You are simple browsing for any shadow to justify your pet subject.
You may be young but you are re-inventing the 1950s when so called pan-africanist expanded their ego with changing names and asking Africa to unite into one country.
FYI acquiring and dropping a cluster of letters does not amount to revolution nor radicalism. Be controversial if you must but please try being original and relevant. A catalogue of newstories is not one of those.
You really try very hard to convince yourself that you are SMART. Unfortunately that verdict never leaves the circumference of your skull, POLE!
So does it mean that amongst the three presidents,Moi beats Kifaki and Onyato?
ReplyDeleteAnd while there,what was the effect of the Ken Ren fertilizer Agloleasing in early 70s as a precursor for Goldenberg and the real later Anglo leasing?
@KID,
ReplyDeleteMerely reproducing what you have read on the web about Hungary does not qualify for imperialism. You are simple browsing for any shadow to justify your pet subject.
You may be young but you are re-inventing the 1950s when so called pan-africanist expanded their ego with changing names and asking Africa to unite into one country.
FYI acquiring and dropping a cluster of letters does not amount to revolution nor radicalism. Be controversial if you must but please try being original and relevant. A catalogue of newstories is not one of those.
You really try very hard to convince yourself that you are SMART. Unfortunately that verdict never leaves the circumference of your skull, POLE!
1/4/12 5:18 AM
xxxx
We thank the Almighty for your very, very educative commnents.
Thanks a lot and keep up please.
So who is KID, Mwarang'ethe?
ReplyDelete2:54 AM has just said it as it is.
ReplyDelete89% of Kenyans on the urban streets and rural byways and pathways, are really fed up with the way the political games have been played out since January of 2003, and the manner in which the country has been run by a select few in the last nine years.
Most people are very afraid that there will be minimal or no change at all if the same old, same old crop of current political goons return themselves back to power, or manage to buy themselves large shares of the ______ votes in their respective homelands and elsewhere around the country.
After all, why should there be any expectations of a different type of adminstration - forget the cosmetic replacement of one group of tainted personalities with another cadre of equally tainted personalities in high places - if the same old same old type of recycled and redundant political faces like Raila Odinga ('son of Odinga'), Uhuru Kenyatta ('son of Kenyatta'), Kalonzo Musyoka ('former-n-current errand boy'), George Saitoti ('Pro. 'Calculess' Cluless), William Ruto (Mr. Nyayo's Malfunctioned Protege), Mutava Musyimi ('Most Rev. Everything To All People'), Moses Wetangula (Mr. Our People Are Not Mudavadi's People'), Weakleaf Mudavadi ('Mr. My People's Vote Is My Asset'), Peter Kenneth ('Mr. State House Is Mine To Lose') et al.
As expected, Kenyans will make a big deal of the general elections during the campaign season only to end up wasting their new wine (constitution) by storing it in the same old same old wine skins (of impunity) for the next ten years, 2013-2017, and even 2018-2022.
Kenyans will deserve the type of local and national leadership as well as the government the majority elect in 2012.
Our political destiny is our hands and ...
Wapi Prof OPIUM to (mis)educate them. LOL!
ReplyDeleteAnon 7:54AM said
ReplyDeleteAs expected, Kenyans will make a big deal of the general elections during the campaign season only to end up wasting their new wine (constitution) by storing it in the same old same old wine skins (of impunity) for the next ten years, 2013-2017, and even 2018-2022.
Kenyans will deserve the type of local and national leadership as well as the government the majority elect in 2012.
----------------------------------
mmmmmmmmmh! if only there was someway of Kenyans getting the type of leadership they truly deserve! What is this magical and utopian silver bullet?
And while at it if there was also only some way of Kenyans could imitate Zimbabwe and take the fight head on to the Imperialist White Mzungus LOL! Bravo Comrade Bob! Africa needs liberating from the West by all means necessary
While we are waiting for those miraculous "acts of god" to occur why don't we drink some Mursik from the Calabash?LOL!
Is there a likelihood of ICC getting to the CIC (Commander In Chief)-ofcourse after he leaves office for the 2007/08 genocide in Kenya?
ReplyDeletewhy were the two principles not included in these charges
is there a deal bewtween the two-RAO to protect the Toad after the elections,and the toad to ensure he gets to statehouse.
unlike what many are thinking, it is very highly possible that the toad wants (see comments from monied in mt. kenya)RAO to get to statehouse and protect him
2012 itakuwa ya shocks.
all we have is a COLLUSION GOVERNMENT IN KENYA
While Moi leads in Kumekucha polls, it's been alleged that one very senior personality within the ________ system was involved in an unnecessary alteraction at an upscale market in the city, where a bonoko may have been involved - or displayed - in a show of power.
ReplyDeleteAs the news about the incident continues to make it rounds, there are those who are saying, no she didn't! She couldn't have! How could she? That's a lie!
While there others countering, yes it could have happened! You know these people! That's the way they are! They always behave as if they are above the rest of us!
Plus, they never hesitate to put you in your place if you don't toe the - imaginary - line in public.
And there is very little that will come out of it even if what alleged victim has stated is what really transpired.
In the meantime, the concerned authorities and the salivating public are left eagerly awaiting for the unidentified customer (good Samaritan) who took pictures - that will exonerate or corroborate - of the alleged incident, to come forward.
On the other hand, the observer with a handy camera may somehow decide to release the picture and let it go viral in its original form, unphotoshopped as it were, given the ferocity of the digital age, and appetite for entertainment at other people's expense.
All things taken into account, we are innocent until proven otherwise, and so it shall be the case in the alleged incident that occurred at the upscale. market.
Nancy Baraza abused her power quite seriously. Such abuse of power by one entrusted to enforce and portect the law is deeply concerning. Lame excuses should not be accepted.
ReplyDeleteOff with Baraza'z head!
The Village Market incident may turn out to be an issue of 'she said she said', unless real evidence turns up from an third party, or an anonymous source.
ReplyDeleteI find it easy to believe the following remarks if they did indeed escape the DJC's - flustered - mouth for whatever reasons; you should know people who are in charge of important matters...
On the other hand, I really have a hard time believing the following, I want you to shoot this one now... I want to kill you now, were clearly vocalised by the DCJ.
Hence the reason why I take the afore mentioned cum grano salis until such a time when the whole matter will be sorted out, and verifiable photographic corroboration, or CCTV footage that serves as conclusive evidence of the incident in question is made available.
Otherwise, the onus or necessity of proving what really took place now rests upon the aggrieved security guard, her employer, and if she's really lucky, Village Market may come to the rescue by handing over any available CCTV footage, unless it was conveniently erased, recorded over, or misplaced after the busy holiday season.
@11:19 PM,
ReplyDeleteThe Gigiri OCPD has already stated that CCTV footage viewed did not capture the gun.