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Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Making quick cash for Christmas: Kumekucha’s Nyatiti and drums weekly (every Tuesday or Wednesday)

The Nyatiti is a wonderful musical instrument that is perfect for singing praises and honouring somebody and it is my African instrument of choice to honour the kind of Kenyans I meet and feel proud to be a Kenyan. On the other hand the drum can be used for many things. Drums are beaten before some executions which is what I wish I could do to some of the Kenyans I meet, but for now drums of protest will do. Welcome to Kumekucha’s brand new column that puts personalities, faces and real life incidents into nationals of the great sleeping giant of a nation called Kenya. Every Tuesday or Wednesday only here in the most popular blog on Kenyan news and politics.

Ingenious city council askaris making money for Christmas
If you did not know it, City Council askaris these days arrest wananchi very frequently and not just hawkers. Many of them carry a special card that tell you (in case you did not know) that a city council askari can arrest you and get you locked up in cells pending your appearance in court. For a long time now they simply wait for you to spit on the pavement and quickly approach you and arrest you for the offence under the numerous city by-laws which are dreamt up of frequently and implemented by individuals at the city house of corruption.

But Nairobians have become wise and it is very difficult these days to catch people littering or emptying their dirty saliva on the streets. And so the clever moneymakers have dreamt up a brilliant new strategy. Now you can imagine the hustle and bustle that Kenyans are going through doing last minute Christmas shopping and errands. The city council has constructed certain barriers and rails to stop people from crossing busy roads at certain places. Some people have the habit of jumping over these railings to avoid the slow moving crowds on the city pavements.

City council askaris simply wait for you to do this and before you know it you have been arrested and bundled into a lorry to be transported to dirty stinking police cells where you will rub shoulders with carjackers and child rapists amongst other hardened criminals. But actually this is not the point of the whole exercise and only a handful get to the cells. The whole idea is to generate cash. A Kumekucha informant who was arrested yesterday stood at a distance after his release and observed something really fascinating. NOT everybody who jumped the railing was being arrested. Schoolboys are notorious for this and the askaris in plain clothes were ignoring them. Midddle aged folks and people who looked like thye had a lot of cash in their pockets were promptly being arrested. You can guess why. So that they remove a hefty bribe of Kshs 1,000 or 2,000 to avoid the police cells. In a space of about 10 minutes the Kumekucha informant saw at least 5 people being arrested. That is 30 every hour and a staggering 240 on a good busy day like yesterday. Multiply that by an average of Kshs 1,500 and what do you get? Kshs 360,000. Enough money to make Christmas very merry for quite a number of city council askaris, don’t you think?

Beat drums of protest with me at the corrupt and rotten system that is Kenya.

Can Aids be cured?
I remember the days, during Moi’s presidency, when Kenyans used to say that Aids was Kanu propaganda. Now we all know somebody who is suffering from this terrible disease that has no cure. Or does it?

A Kumekucha informant was referred to a herbal clinic in town which has got a record of literally bringing people back from the dead. Aids patients in the last terrible stages of the disease and too weak to even walk on their own have been brought to this clinic and given herbal treatment and within a very short time have recovered their health. Incidentally the same clinic also has herbal treatment for dental problems including turning brown teeth into white in no time at all.

Everybody knows that herbs work and so join me in playing the Nyatiti for the rise of herbal treatment in Kenya.

What are your plans for 2010?
As we head to the end of the year, this is a good time for reflection. You need to analyze what your weaknesses and shortfalls of 2009 were and find a way to improve in 2010 so that the coming year is much better for you.

A publishing company based in Nairobi is offering a wonderful package of 9 books at only Kshs 1,350.

The 9 books are;

1. Time Management
2. Sterling Success
3. Business Tips (265 of them)
4. The power of concentration
5. Public speaking
6. Power to change your life
7. How to study
8. The cure for ageing
9. The ABC of investing

I have browsed through the books and started reading some of them and they are great. Get these wonderful self help books for yourself.

I now play the Nyatiti in praise of this company and all those other small and medium sized companies out there in Kenya doing innovative things. These guys are the real engine of the Kenyan economy.

Breaking News: Blog claims that Jimmy Kibaki will run for Kieni seat


Anonymous said...

Kumekucha seems to be growing its' content and getting more creative all the time.

Keep it up Chris. This is a great idea.

Anonymous said...

Hi Chris,

Now this is what i call mature and objective writting.Keep the good work coming as we wait for more secrets of our presidency.Also focus on our cultural strengths that actually make up our great Nation.


M-Pesa said...


Thanks for beating the drums on these crooked City Askaris also called Kanjos. They are very greedy and extremely selfish members of our society I have heard many people say they would rather deal with police than these unreasonable Askaris. The main reason why they are so nasty is because they feel disrespected and underrated by Kenyans. But most of them have little or no education!

You forgot to mention that when they arrest you in the morning, you will be stuck inside their lorry the whole hot day until it's completely full then taken to their stinking cells for extortion. Just the other day I saw these cruel Askaris arrest 3 women who were coming from work at around 9pm claiming they were loitering and soliciting from men.

This was of course not true and as these poor women who looked quite decent protested, other people also joined in but the brutal Askaris armed themselves with rungus and nyahunyos as they bundled the girls into their overcrowded van and whipped a few innocent protesters in glee. Why can't these Animals be uniformed and badged in this day and age?

Unfortunately, this very bad habit seem to be here to stay since it rakes in millions for the top dogs at city hall! Corruption in Kenya is so rampant that I have noticed that even the normal armed police on patrol are now targeting motorists for minor offences so as to get a juicy bribe. Isn't this the job of traffic officers and not armed cops? If you doubt this, just stand the main gate of where Club Galileo is located at around 10pm weekends!

It's very intimidating when two red eyed officers armed with AK47's enter your vehicle and forcefully tell you "twende Central!" when in actual fact they just want to milk your hard earned cash. In most cases, these officer's breath smell of alcohol. So they actually do drink liquor on the beat without any repercussions! Nice job if you can get it! Sadly it's those in positions of authority who have been a perfect example when it comes to benefiting from corruption and the ordinary civil servant just takes the cue from them!


Just have a 1k ready in case you get nicked for some bogus charges!

Anonymous said...

I dont think it is Breaking News, since the post you are referring to is almost 3 years old.

Keep up the good work otherwise.

Chris said...

Anona @3:11 am.

Thanx for being so alert.

The reason why I posted it as breaking news is that recent political developments seem to add strength to this allegation.

They suggest that Mwai Kibaki will run in Othaya again and Jimmy will enter politics. Will he ran in Kieni? Where his dad's old friend Kairu used to be the MP?

Notice that Raila seems to be going in the same direction. Fidel announced recently that he will enter politics in 2012 but will not run in Langata.

Get the drift?


Phil said...

Blogger Chris said........

Notice that Raila seems to be going in the same direction. Fidel announced recently that he will enter politics in 2012 but will not run in Langata.

Get the drift?

Which drift, Chris, which drift?

At least Fidel had the guts to call a rally and announce his intentions infront of the whole world. Even Sam Okello and yourself have no been able to do this despite your purported e-popularity.

I cant help notice that Jimmy has already declared his preferred presidential candiate in Eugene Wamalwa, a unknown first time MP and a self confessed KKK founder member. What is Jimmy's yardstick for measuring presidential material, is it our discussions at the local pub at the Office Park Riverside Drive, or during the round of the gentleman's game on lawns of Muthaiga Golf Club?

Excuse me, but what exactly is Simama Kenya? What's Gacoka's public record and what is Kilonzo's credentials in terms of democratic struggle or even public service?

Anyway, let's meet at the ballot. Kivuitu is no longer in charge, so if you guys can kidnap Abdi-Kadir at gun point, you better start strategizing early.

Anonymous said...

Poor Phil,

Fighting e-wars on behalf of Raila....since he appointed his sister as a consular in stato, am sure he may want to appoint his son as a minister just like his bro.
Leadership is in the genes of the Raila family phil ama and you are a faithful foot soldier. BTW how was the Tononoka rally?
Did Raila refund Jaluo's transport money???

Anonymous said...


You people are too intolerant. Anybody who does not support the ONE is abused and stoned (or hammered). One wonders what would happen if the ONE had supreme power. kalenjins almost gave him power but they have now been reminded who the ONE is. The ONE may have fought for democrasy but he definitely does not prcatise it. Of course i cannot predict the future but forget next elections. The ONE will not win.

Anonymous said...

Well Chris i get the drift?
Well i know that Jimmmy is already warming himself up to elective politics but he is already in politics just like Phil has pointed out.
Yes Fidel is going for the Kasarani seat or the Bondo seat.
Well they have their democraic right to do so, but i think i can agree with you Chris and that if one is able to read between the lines. businees and politics goes hand in hand in Kenya. Is there any democratic rights when it comes to politics in Kenya.
We all so the democracy in both ODM and PNU during the party nominations. Many candidates won by landslide but werent given their tickets.
Raila and his handlers monitored the elections from a distance just Kibaki like did, and to get their "people" to make it into the August house. Wapi democracy in Kenya?
Political inheritance in Kenya is what i think you meant Chris,which is the order of the day.
@ Chris, your blog is best in the category of describing Kenyan politics today, i appreciate it alot.

Anonymous said...


Kenya Moja said...

Thank you Kumekucha for keeping us informed over the years and I wish you health and well being to continue doing the same into 2010.

I have just finished reading Michela Wrongs "It's our time to eat" and I must say that I am deeply shocked by the level of rot in our govt. The way Githongo describes Kibaki is scary. Someone who would read a speech in front of TV cameras demoting John and then immediately ask him why he was moving out and who demoted him shouldnt be anywhere near the presidency. WE ARE IN DEEP SHIT.

It's about time Kenyans stopped with this tribalism BS and rise together as one to reclaim our dear country.

Merry Xmas and Happy new year to kumekucha and all Kenyans.

Anonymous said...

Chris, that blog about Jimmy Kibaki was posted 1 February 2007, and talks about 2007 elections. Refer us to more relevant political issues not past abortive speculations!!!

Anonymous said...

nice post. thanks.

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