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Thursday, December 11, 2008

2008 Awards From A Kumekucha Faithful

Hi Chris, I composed this for my beloved Kumekucha. Hope you will have the courage to publish it for the bloggers to unwind from the complex politics of the land. Cheers mate.

It's that time of the year again when we dish out the gongs and oscars to those well deserving Kenyans.

1. Crime of the year- MPs refusal to pay taxes. It doesn't get more sickening than this when other Kenyans are starving to death due to high cost of living. What an axis of evil this bunch is!

2. Slumber of the year- It's gotta be prezzo. The mzee likes his peace so much before making any statement that when he opens envelopes containing various problems facing the country, he finds the problems long fixed themselves naturally .

3. U-turn of the year- Ruto for opposing the Waki report as... "shoody', i"ll timed', blah blah, them embracing it saying it should be fully implemented. Aha, talk of Saul being converted on the way to Damascus! What's the catch?

4. Scandal of the year- The man made maize shortage whereby some top political dogs of war are making billions to a point of changing our nation's staple diet of Ugali. Don't expect any heads to roll.

5. Hypocrite of the year- Step forward Hon Ababu Namwamba of the box haircut fame. Very vocal in calling for an official oppostion, yet goes into hiding when asked about paying all his taxes. Politicking 24hrs a day, when Budalang'i people are drowning in floods right up to their eye-balls.

6. Event of the year- Good Old Kibaki being sworn hurriedly at night as 'duly elected' without pomp and colour.

7. Reformer of the Year- Hon Justice Phillip Waki for handing out a lifeline to Kenyans to end Impunity. Watch how this chance will be squandered!

8. Speech of the year- Hon Dr Khalwale on impeaching Kimunya. "To end impunity, Kimunya must go! To clean up the treasury, Kimunya must go! To arrest rampant corruption, Kimunya must go! Your wife can't give birt... Kimunya must go....."

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9. Minister of the year- Michuki asiye na chuki. For steering finance and environment dockets with charisma, dignity and pride.You can't please everyone but at your age, you are doing well

10. Worst minister--- You guessed it right--Chirau Ali Mwakwere. Road carnage is back, Matatu madness is back with many screening porn at night. It's all hell on the roads compared to Michuki's era yet this minister pockets a salary of Ksh 1,000,000 per month-- for doing----- absolutely nothing! Nice job if you get it.

11. Villain of the year- Step forward Bwana Kivuitu. Still getting huge pay despite the botched elections. How does this man sleep at night?

12. Puzzle of the year. Who is on the Waki's secret envelope? surely aren't they doomed despite the posturing?

13. Export of the year: Power sharing Kenyan style. It's being shipped to Zimbabwe, DR Congo..etc

14. Steal of the year: Moi's Range Rover worth Sh20M despite having all the tracking devices according to the police. You gotta salute those who pulled it off....

15. Man of the CENTURY! Our very own Barack Obama for thinking and executing the unthinkable! You did us proud son.

16. Blog of the year. Kumekucha for being steadfast, fearless and frank.


What say you? Do you agree with me? have your say....


Has Obama not stopped smoking?

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30 comments:

Anonymous said...

Blogger of the Year: Vikii, Kwale, Kimi and B-carotene!

Anonymous said...

Worst blogger of the year: Phil, UrXlnc, Sam Okello.

Kumekucha LIE of the YEAR: "Kibaki is seriously sick".

Phil said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Phil said...

1. Crime of the year- SAMUEL MUTUA KIVUITU, Chairman ECK for declaring Kibaki president and later admitting he did not know who won the presidency.

2. Slumber of the year- Mrs. Lucy Kibaki. Receiving upwards of 500k a month of tax payers money while doing ABSOLUTELY nothing for them to EARN it.

3. U-turn of the year - The apparent failure of the SAFARICOM IPO, and the failed gamble of investors money.....cration of another MOBITELEA. Are Kenyans deaf and dumb?

4. Scandal of the year- The Grand Regency Hotel 'give-away' to Libyan investors, in exchange for financial support for the PNU re-election campaign.

5. Hypocrite of the year- Dr. Alfred Mutua. Tafadhali Alfie, PNU haikulipi. Sisi wakenya ndio tumekuajiri. Punda milia. (He knows why!)

6. Event of the year - None...so so uneventful.

7. Reformer of the Year- Okiya Omtatah Okoiti. You are a cut above the likes Kibwana, Ababu, Kuria, etc. (and of course quite the opposite of Kimi, Kwale, Vikii and Jeff).

8. Speech of the year- Hon Dr Khalwale on impeaching Kimunya. "To end impunity, Kimunya must go! To clean up the treasury, Kimunya must go! To arrest rampant corruption, Kimunya must go! Your wife can't give birt... Kimunya must go....."

9. Minister of the year- Who else? Rt. Hon. Raila Odinga. For showing how ministers ought to be supervised and directed. Thanks you Sir for reviving soccer in Kenya, bringing back harambee Stars to winning ways and stalling the destruction of MAU FOREST, Kenya's most important water tower. Above all, thanks for the freedom of speech that Vikii and Kwale enjoy in Kenya today.

10. Worst minister - Uhuru Kenyatta. Show me your record Sir. What did U ever do as Leader of Official Opposition , Minister for Local Government, Minister for Trade and Deputy Prime Minister. Apart from Financing Mungiki revenge attacks, you are absolutely useless in my eyes. Forko Jembe.

11. Villain of the year - Hon Stephen Kalonzo Musyoka, aka miracle, aka Judas, aka back-stabber. Kwani hawa waKamba hawana viongozi tena? Bure Kabisa.

12. Puzzle of the year. What are the true real-life identities of the people in Kumekucha. Vikii, Taabu, Sayra, Shiko MSA, etc. Ni kina nani hawa watu? Of course, not to forget our very own OSCAR.

13. Export of the year: Barack Obama. Straight from Kogello to White House. (BUT DO I SAY).

14. Steal(The Great Civic Robbery) of the year: Presidency of Kenya. Civilian coup by Kivuitu.

15. Man of the CENTURY! Nelson Mandela. What a stateman!

16. Blog of the year. Kumekucha for being steadfast, fearless and frank.

17. Political PARTY OF THE YEAR - Which else other than Orange Democractic Movement.....hitherto referred to as an amorphous opposition group, transformed within six months into a general election winner and a winning presidential candidate sponsor....produced kenya's first Prime Minister in over 40 decades....the first opposition party to overturn government and ruling party MPs majority in independent Kenya...wow, wacha tu....Chungwa Moja.... Maisha Bora.

18. Cock-up of the Year - Again Lucy Kibaki for reportedly slapping Gitobu Imanyara (what happened to the assaul case), slapping Charity Ngilu, and slapping the Government Principle Administrative Secretary after he referred to her as "Wambui" during a presidential awards ceremony at state house. The slapped officer was not surprisingly a mkamba going by the name Francis Musyimi....(probably Vikii's cousin).


19. Con-game of the Year - Steadman Opinion Polls

Ni hiyo tu kwa sasa!!!!!

Taabu said...

Phil,
Nani amekilipa so that you DRAG Lucy's name in mud? Come to think of it, maybe Ruci is paid to seal the lips lest she EXPLODES. Give mama Jimmy a break lest SHE AWAKES/SCARES the kids.

@Chris said:
...Event of the year- Good Old Kibaki being sworn hurriedly at night as 'duly elected' without pomp and colour.......

Please take any evdiecne to Gicheru, we are a CIVILIZED nation who respect the rule of law.

Vikii said...

Well, I cannot unmake a muttonhead. I however agree that Kumekucha is undoubtedly the blog of the year. And of course Nelson Mandela is the man of the century---the best thing to ever happen since Jesus Christ.

Kwale said...

POLICEMAN OF THE YEAR: Joseph Musyoka for challenging Kenyans not to destroy their country.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW27LbuC4fM&feature=channel_page

CITIZEN OF THE YEAR: Teresa Cheptoo for donating her $1 million award money back into the community.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Slljxlb5MNs&feature=channel_page

ORGANISATION OF THE YEAR: Kenya National Human Rights Commission (KNHCR) for speaking out against human rights violations.

SHAME OF THE COUNTRY:
·Burning of innocent men, women and children in a church because of stolen election.

·Footage of a man being hacked slowly to death by a machete in Dandora.

·The infamous footage of a man being pull-out of Matatu on Naivasha-Nairobi Highway

THE BIGGEST LIE EVER: Kikuyus are "Kabila adui" and they are the reason behind many Kenyans misfortunes. - Only a very gullible maladjusted cretin can believe that!!

M-Pesa said...

Phil, nice alternative. Wewe ni mwingine! But should we ask... Mama Rucy, Kivuitu and Alfie Mutua...wamekura mbuzi ya nani?

Miracle of the year: Kalonzo's dream has materialized..sasa yeye ni VeePee after..kupitia katikati yao..." wenye wivu wajinyonge!

Question of the year: Are Kenyans stupid? Watch how they will throng Nyayo Stadium Kesho to cheer the "visionary" Leaders who also happen to be tax thieves!

Kwale said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Singa said...

BLOGGER OF THE YEAR: PHIL

For consistently spitting maledictions on Kumekuchans to the effect that Raila is better than the rest of the DOGS and for remaining the only incurable ignorant that politicians are all the same KUDOS PHIL

Anonymous said...

Kumekucha Puzzle of the year: - Ivy/Knoppix romance? Rumors of Ivy pregnancy and Knoppix subsequent disappearance from Kumekucha.

Anonymous said...

Blogger of the year>

SAM OKELLO

Love him or hate him, this jama speaks his mind and I have a feeling a lot of people listen. I hate his gut.

Anonymous said...

Blogger of year.
It got to be Sam Okello!!! who can forget Roger Whitaker...!

Kwale said...

WORST BIZZARE PUBLICITY STUNT OF THE YEAR:
Raila invitation of journalists to Nairobi mortuary during the height of post election violence claiming he was robbed the chance to stop the killings.

WORST HUMILATION OF THE YEAR:
Raila joining the govt he had earlier called "illegitimate and illegal"

M-Pesa said...

TV GAL OF THE YEAR: Any red blooded fella will agree that my gal Esther Arunga lights up the living room every time she pops up on our screens. She leaves you sizzled, shaken and stirred... Who's the lucky b@stard??

LOVE RAT OF THE YEAR AWARD: If the rumour coming from bunge is true, then the bull of bunge, Kabando Wa Kabando takes the biscuit!

IDIOT of the year award: Franklin Bett..."they want to finish my tribe" because they have been asked to vacate Mau forest.

WOMAN OF THE YEAR: This is a hard one between My PNU gal Martha Karua and Fashion/Feminist icon Orie Rogo Manduli. But what the heck, Orie you win! You are simply adorable!

Anonymous said...

Kumekucha Satire of the year: Kwale versus King Charles.

Unrealized Dream of the year: President Raila Odinga

Realized Dream of the year: President Obama

Toilet Paper of the year: Stanley Livondo

Reconstruction of the year: Martha Karua

Traitor of the year: Kalonzo Musyoka

Success of the year: Churchill Live!

Failure of the year: Safaricom IPO

Survivor of the year: Kamlesh Pattni

Mama said...

I agree Kumekucha is indeed the blog of the year.

Anonymous said...

1. Human Worshipper of the Year - Phil for worshipping Raila even on Sundays.

2. Kikuyu Hater of the Year - Raila A. Odinga for calling Kikuyus "kabila adui yetu."

3. Human Butcher of the Year - William Ruto for sponsoring rape and murder of defenseless Kenyans in Eldoret.

4. Temporary Saul-to-Paul Convertee of the Year - Taabu for for temporarily ceasing Kikuyu hate blog posts and calling for bloggers to walk on the high road. Pray that it turn out to be a permanent conversion.

5. Most Overrated PEV Sponsor - Uhuru Kinyatta because he can not even organise himself to go to bed before getting drunk.

6. Blogsphere Father of the Year - Chris for fathering and nurturing Kumekucha. Even if you don't get rich, your reward is the change that will eventually come to Kenya when tribalists and human worshippers are finally converted or defeated!!

7. Anonymous of the Year - I because in anonymity I have choosen to be a Luo or a Kikuyu or a RV barbarian depending on the mood!

sereast said...

Did someone ask:
"11. Villain of the year - Hon Stephen Kalonzo Musyoka, aka miracle, aka Judas, aka back-stabber. Kwani hawa waKamba hawana viongozi tena? Bure Kabisa."

Couldn't agree more, Kambas should re-invent themselves, but we have some progressive ones. Is Waki a Kamba? Have no idea. I Chris not a Kao? I never consider myself a tribalist but I have known kyuks for whom they are after Dec 2007 and will never trust them.

kalamari said...

Lie of the century: "There's no cholera in Zimbabwe", say's Mugabe

E-CHANGE said...

11. Villain of the year- Bwana Kivuitu. How does this man sleep at night?


(on top of a huge pile of money lying on a big bed surrounded by security guards with dogs outside)

Anonymous said...

...and the awards goes to...

===============

Kumekucha blogger of the year: Vikii

Worst blogger of the year: Sam Okello

Most Improved blogger of the year: Taabu

Most deteriorated blogger of the year: M-Pesa

Newcomer blogger of the year: Kwale

Most satirical blooger of the year: Taabu's mistress

Most pathetic blogger of the year: Phil

Most emotional blogger of the year: UrXlnc

Best article of the year: Ritch's post on The Aids Scourge

Kumekucha unsolved mystery disappearances: Derek or maybe Luke

Kumekucha biggest lie of the year: Chris running away from Kenya apparently for fear of persecution and then returning back so soon.

Shaddy said...

Blogger of the year: ....
logger of the year: ....
ogger of the year: ...
ger of the year: ....
And the award goes to me...

achali said...

Obama as Man of the century.

nice.

Anonymous said...

I could'nt agree more! Great job

Anonymous said...

.... And the award for:

MOST HYPOCRITICAL BLOGGER OF THE YEAR

goes to ...

goes to ...

you guessed it right!

goes to URXLINC!!!!!!!

b real said...

a new article in the u.s. the nation -- Meddling in Kenya's Elections -- provides additional supporting evidence for my analysis referenced here earlier this year of ranneberger's coup

At the time of the election, Ken Flottman was country director for the International Republican Institute (IRI), a Congressionally mandated organization funded mainly by USAID, the State Department and the National Endowment for Democracy. Flottman recalls that in the months leading up to the vote, the US Embassy conveyed the impression that it believed Kibaki would win. "As time went on, some of the polling we were doing showed it was more complicated, but I got the sense that the embassy wasn't interested in hearing it," he says.

...

At times, according to Flottman, US Ambassador Michael Ranneberger appeared to him to be actively trying to help Kibaki's chances. In one case, he says, when a horse-race poll done by the country's top commercial pollster showed Odinga pulling ahead, Ranneberger "was keen to release our poll, which showed Kibaki was more popular." Flottman declined. As he explains it, it has always been IRI's policy to probe issues of general concern to voters and to publicize those findings, in keeping with its democracy-building mandate. But as part of its remit from USAID, which funds the polls and which answers to the State Department, IRI has routinely shared horse-race information only privately with US officials. (Ranneberger declined to discuss this incident or anything about the US role in the election.)

...

Ranneberger was given the [IRI exit] poll results on the evening of election day, December 27. This was three days before the official announcement that Kibaki had won touched off weeks of rioting in which more than 1,000 Kenyans died and as many as 350,000 were made homeless. Nonetheless, Ranneberger went on to tell the Washington Post on December 31 that "the US would accept" the announcement that Kibaki had won, and the State Department congratulated Kibaki on his win--a position that it later retracted after the European Union raised concerns about election rigging.

UrXlnc said...

anon 2:44, 11:47 and 2:19

thank you one and all

and i dedicate this clip to you. ji-enjoy

Kimi Raikkonen said...

Villain of the year: Raila Amolo Odinga for conning and continuing to con ignorant wide eyed, starry eyed, huffing and puffing ODM supporting want my daddy-want to be loved-want to be patted on the head-want a job-want a hummer-want to be led by Obama-want Kenya to be like Singapore overnight- Kenyans that he knows what he is doing when in reality he is as clueless as a homeless drunken hobo chairing a United Nations security council meeting to discuss Iraq.

Mzalendo said...

Kumekucha blogger of the year goes to Kwale. For standing up and fighting off hordes of ODM stone-throwers singlehandedly! Bravo Kwale!

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