These Stupid Luos

If you played God over Kenya for just a single day you would laugh until your poor ribs ached. You would laugh at the sheer stupidity of this cancer called tribalism.

Now as God for just a day, you would be able to read minds and know exactly what people were thinking. You would be able to see exactly how many assassins were at the scene when Tom Mboya was assassinated and solve the mystery of who exactly the bald-headed man who pulled the trigger was. You would no all secrets and be familiar with all skeletons hidden in people's closets.

But the hilarious part would involve this Kikuyu chauvinist very proud of his tribe and who totally believes that the Kikuyu are superior and the only tribe capable of ruling Kenya as they have proved twice already. Hata serikali ya Moi ilisimama na bahati, no other tribe is capable of establishing and maintaining a government and that is just a pure fact, according to our friend.

Now why would a typical Kikuyu tribalist interest God? Patience, my son, patience my daughter. You will discover the hilarious truth in a moment.

As God for 24 hours you will also be able to see all the sins against the Luo community that our bigot Kikuyu extremist has committed over the years. What he did at campus and what he did at Naivasha during the post election violence. You will also see that he has no apologies to make.

Now let us call this guy Njoro (short for Njoroge). The name of his mother is Jemima Wairimu Chege and his father is called John Kamau Ngotho. And so he is pure Kikuyu “superior” blood… or is he?

As God you would be able to see what happened some 30 years ago when a civil servant called Jemima Wairimu Chege was sent out of town on an assignment. There was a seminar in Embu town that she attended. You would also know that she spent the night in Embu where she got rather cozy with a Mr Moses Waga. A tall drop-dead handsome Luo from the office who always wore a suit. He was also a very charming man with the ladies and invited Jemima Wairimu for a drink that evening. Jemima’s life back home with her husband was always so boring. He never took her out for a drink or anything but John Kamau Ngotho was a good provider and responsible husband and that is all that mattered.

Now in your position up there you would be able to see a lot of things as you delve into this critical history. You would for instance be able to realize just how true it is that alcohol tends to affect the legs of woman and the brains of man. It causes a woman’s legs to spread very easily and with abandon (need I say more?). And it causes a man’s brain to shift momentarily from his head to the lower parts of his anatomy. That combination is deadly and it is what led to the conception of a man called Njoro.

As God you would be able to laugh at this silly tribalism thing in small-minded Kenyans because the fact of the matter is that the rabid Kikuyu bigot called Njoro who loves to call Luos stupid is actually a Luo who thinks he is a Kikuyu. His biological father is one Moses Waga from Gem, deep in Luo Nyanza.

So who is he really insulting every time he opens his mouth and calls Luo’s stupid?

Get rid of those tribalism demons mate, even your mother may not be so sure what tribe you really are… so why should tribe matter so much?

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Can You Tell When You Are Being Cheated?

I find it necessary to state a few hard facts before I unleash this extremely sensitive post.

My children whom I love to bits have Kikuyu blood flowing through their veins. In other words I have close Kikuyu relatives.

I analyzed my top 5 best friends last night and they are ALL Kikuyu. Every single one of them. Including a very close female friend.

Although I was born in Kisumu (just because my parents happen to be travelling through and I couldn’t wait to come into this world) I am NOT a LUO. And neither do I support Raila Odinga. I believe he won the 2007 polls as do most political analysts the world over and as do most Kenyans who can analyze the situation through non-tribal lenses.

HOWEVER I DO NOT believe that most Kenyans will vote for Raila this time round. Sadly he has passed his sell-by-date.

On to the subject of this post which is my deep concern about the unfolding political games being played out that will achieve certain selfish objectives and at the same time leave me and you fighting each other in the belief that one of us started it when we are nothing but pawns being used in a chess game that has very little or nothing to do with us.

In the run up to the 2007 general elections President Mwai Kibaki realized that he was extremely unpopular. The 5 years had flown by way too fast for him and yes he had promised he would be a one term president but then political promises are always made to be broken. His advantage was that the Kikuyu people have numbers and if he extended to the other GEMA tribes we are talking millions of votes. All he needed to do, his handlers told him, was to position himself as a victim disliked and hated because of his tribe.

That was the message that went out to our precious Kenyan brothers. That Kenyans led by Raila Odinga and the Luos were against the Kikuyu and the plan was to “finish” the Kikuyu (whatever that means). A vast majority of Kenyans were against the Kibaki administration in 2007 and were keen to vote it out. But during the campaigns politicians in central province told the people that the community was under siege. We all know what happened.

Now fast forward to 2012 and what is the message being packaged and sold to us? It is simply this, that Kikuyus and Kalenjins are under siege. The Luo and other tribes want to finish these two communities by taking them to the ICC at the Hague where they will be found guilty and sent to jail. Reason? To keep them from winning the presidency.

I get amazed when very highly educated Kenyans write emails to me telling me what I have just said a most in as many words. I am being branded an Odinga man assisting him to “finish” the Kikuyu and Kalenjin. Indeed I received just such an email this week after I released my raw notes detailing what Kibaki handlers are doing to ensure that he remains in power into 2014 by stretching legal technicalities well beyond their limits. These emails were coming from Njoroges, Ngiges, Kamaus etc. most of them PhD holders. These same people have forgotten my controversial raw notes released late last year detailing Raila Odinga’s corrupt ways. If the cream of Kenyan society has swallowed the bait hook line and sinker what do you expect the down and out standard 8 drop outs out there in the villages to do? You tell me!!

Are Kenyans really that naïve? Are the Kikuyus and Kalenjins now brothers after the tragedy of 2007? Or is somebody just grouping them together for political gain?

I doubt whether Kenyans will be able to wake up on time to realize what is really happening. I predict that my Kikuyu brothers will read this post and see red. They will identify me as the enemy without reading and grasping what I am really saying here. But am I really the enemy?

Plans are at an advanced stage to turn Kumekucha into a flower selling blog. Or perhaps a blog selling diapers for toddlers will be more fulfilling? What do you guys think? Whatever you tell me do not mention politics in Kenya because I am just about done with that. Politics in our banana republic is a complete waste of time writing about. What is the point?

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