Bye Hilary Clinton, You’re Obama’s Catapult

She came, shouted herself hoarse and left plenty of heat with no trace of light. Hilary Clinton was such a powerful catapult for Obama who will not reduce himself to gracing our shores soon. And as predictable as the sun sets in the east Hilary took the moral high ground delivering great lecture to an unwilling audience.

Her theatrics are over and we are back to own ways. Hilary and Obama are better advised that no amount of noise will make us deviate from our goals. They must know that post election violence which they often exploit to as a pretext to harass us is our exclusive making.

We know the colour and taste our own blood better and we have more pressing issues like IDPs to settle instead of watching video links from Washington. Clinton can shout all the much she cares about reforms but we know we have our own IRON LADY Martha who is real steel with the penchant to never taking hostages nor suffering fools lightly.

POTUS and PORK
So POTUS Barack Obama takes the relationship with Kenya very seriously and very personally? So what? Yes he can mouth all the platitudes but he cannot hold any candle to our own PORK who was already a don when he was born.

US should be the last country to lecture anybody on impunity. And we are miles ahead of them in terms of human rights and good governance. Look who between Kenya and US is a signatory to the Rome Statute.

So Hilary waxes democratic and articulate by reminding us that fighting impunity is like a rite of passage and the only road forward. So what, we have heard that before. In fact we are treading that bloody road since December 2007. Leta ingine.

Working Nation Labouring in Pitch Darkness

Its hard to believe acute chronic power rationing is back with us again. Usual culprits Kenya Power and Lightning are trying not to offend the sensibilities of Kenyans by calling it power load management scheme when every faculty screams reminisence of 1998 and 2000 blackouts. A big stick is indeed a spoon in 2009

Beginning tomorrow twice a week and for the forseable future we will be living and working in pre-colonial village times using the sun for natural illumination until just before dusk. There will however be no real-power sharing at night which is good news for after dark revellers because they will get to continue enjoying their nocturnal activities in the light. KPLC saw it fit not to give criminals and hooligans more cover of darkness than they already deserve

The only thing that can get a country repeatedly into this type of energy crisis situation we're in is lack of straight and forward thinking.One can only wonder what happened to plans and finances to expand the country's sources of electrcity. we are bequeathing the amply deficient legacy of successive unsuccessful governments who must surely have been unable to see past beyond their noses when it came to fending for Kenyans. leo haijakucha see you in the dark

America Must Let Kenya Bleed Herself Dead

So US foreign secretary Hilary Clinton has arrived and even before opening her mouth Kenya is the recipient of all barbs. Already Johnnie Carson is breathing fire and brimstone. The good ex-envoy to Nairobi is wielding the proverbial big stick singling our Wako and Aaron Ringera for thrashing.

Clinton will come, kick all the dust, generate all the heat and leave us with no light. And the bogeyman Carson must not belittle the world-renown lawyer Wako whose unique and sharp intellect Kenya has been lucky to enjoy for close to two decades. Johnnie needs to ask East Timorese what a brilliant legal mind Wako is before he suffers the wrath of permanent smile.

By attacking Ringera, America is becoming a global activist serving the interest of our numerous selfish NGOs. The dragon slayer is one smart lawyer whose Shakespearean pedigree is unrivalled. Show me any more qualified Judge speaking the right language to replace Ringera and I will show you a dreaming Waki.

Our own PORK
For goodness sake the K in KACC is for Kenya and not Kansas. And the ex-junior senator of New York must not act as Obama’s catapult to vomit on our lawns. We are a sovereign country and we can butcher ourselves all the much we care and only us can stop that not POTUS nor Hilary. We have our won intellectual PORK.

The West's obsession with so-called Agenda Four is nauseating. Four comes after three and we have no Agenda Five, so why the hullaballoo? We will tackle REFORMS at our own pace and we won't allow ourselves to be pushed nor please anybody. Kenya has its owners and the tenants including the enveoys must know their legal limitations.

TJRC is originally ours and we won’t modify to please global bullies, NEVER. The Friday cabinet meeting will be used to drive the point home and leave pretenders to power holding the political bathtub without the baby. NA BADO.

Kiplagat: River of Deceptive Stream of Tears

So the Truth, Justice and Reconciliation commission has been sworn in and lucrative jobs created for its members. Well, the words spelling TJRC is what we lack in abundance and the commissioners will dutifully help expand dearth of the same.

We are a country whose citizens collective live beautiful lies. Here we are shamelessly talking of truth while telling destructive lies in denying that nothing happened. I guess in our blind pursuit to expand egos we have to self-destruct completely so that a new Kenya can sprout from the fertile rivers of blood.

We know the cause of the present problems but dare not delve into them. Instead we are busy with platitudes discussing the effects of the same monster we created in silence. Add that to the deceptive nature of choosing the commissioners and you complete a picture created exclusively to buy time and whitewash.

We are a country allergic to facing the truth itself. What is more, we opt for numerous commissions to buy time and wish away challenges. We shamelessly form commissions to investigate domestic matters of the president at taxpayer’s expense. We are so creative at serving selfish interests so much so that we cleverly scheme to fix political opponents using smartly packaged state apparatus.

Hawking peace, diplomatic CV
The present South Africa may have been defined by its TJRC. While we shamelessly cut-and-paste any foreign concept to create a pretence of motion with no intention to move, we have formed a TJRC with no clear cut structure or objective. The Kiplagat commission is just another opportunity to draw handsome remuneration at the expense of suffering Kenyans.

SA had Tutu as a symbol of unadulterated integrity. In Kenya we have already seen crocodile tears from a person charged with the mandate to steer a kleenex commission already leading by example with streams of plastic tears.

Kenyans are so good at hawking deceptive diplomatic and peace-making CVs. Just ask Sudan and Somali delegates of the hollowness and arm twisting these diplomats visited upon them.

Bethwel Kiplagat was Ouko’s PS when he was butchered and his loud silence spoke volumes as a passive accomplice in the heinous crime. Add that to Justice Minister’s glittering CV as a personal lawyer to a kleptocrat and you get a pair that aptly epitomizes the collective lie Kenyans love to live.

Hilary Clinton Keep Off, Kenya is Sovereign

By marshaling thee hitherto divided cabinet to unanimously endorse no Hague no local tribunal, President Kibaki has shown unique leadership from front and example. Hilary Clinton must know that Kenya is sovereign and stop spreading Obama’s lies that we are corrupt.

Acts of neocolonialism as propagated by Human Rights Watch must be resisted at all costs and with all might. The international NGO HRW is trying to sneak in Professor Alston’s hatred for Wako and Major Ali. We saw it before and rejected their innuendos and we will reject it again.

Wako is Kenya’s longest serving AG and with his impressive global CV, Kibaki couldn’t ask for a more able legal mind with a permanent smile to match. We know our murderers and we are well placed to deal with them without Ocampo's theatrics. We cannot afford to indignity of hanging a future president out to dry.

Obama must stop visiting shame upon us via catapult. He snubbed us last month and Clinton must not assume the proxy role to insult our national pride. Let Jonnie Carson go nostalgic and visit the Mara. Shame on Speaker Marende for inviting foreigners to help us solve problems we have lived comfortably with since independence and more so after the unfortunate 2007 election.

There are numerous ways of skinning a cat and provided you don’t sit on it hence risking lethal claws on your rear side, the job’s end justifies the means. Smart President Kibaki and the cabinet outwitted hostile MPs by showing the mob who the boss is. The rest of Kenyans must learn to take five course meal marinated in obtuse contempt. It never constipates.

From The Archives: Kumekucha Classic

special weekend edition classic kumekucha throwback from the archives

7 Things That Will Happen To Kenya If Kibaki Is Re-elected

Most Kenyans are like the proverbial Ostrich that when faced with a rapidly approaching forest fire, prefers to bury its' head in the sand and hope that the fire will just go away.

The rapidly approaching "fire" is the re-election of President Mwai Kibaki for a second term. Kenyans are well able to stop this happening, especially the young people of Kenya who just need to unite and speak in one voice.

There are even those Kenyans who feel that a Kibaki re-election may not be such a bad thing after all. The feel that the economy has recovered and is growing at unprecedented levels and Kanu is out of power.

The facts on the ground are a little different. One thing in particular that Kenyans have failed to see to see, or feel the effects of, is the so-called economic growth. I tend to agree with the economist's view that I feel is very close to the truth that points in a different direction for the answers to the current so-called strength of the Kenyan economy. It is believed that Kenyans who are now scattered all over the world have been sending money back home for investment and upkeep at unprecedented levels which has kept the Kenyan shilling very strong and cushioned the economy against current adverse effects like that of rising world oil prices

. Apart from that the economic miracle of the Kibaki government is a mirage at best and a bad tasteless joke at worse.

Whatever your opinion may be, here is what Kenyans should expect from a Mwai Kibaki Re-election victory in 2007;

i) Disaster And Civil Unrest On A Massive Scale: Continuation of the current policies that ignore the plight of the majority of ordinary Kenyans especially in the area of job creation (the position of the Kibaki administration: Interest rates are low and banks are now eager to lend, why don't the penniless get working, go to the nearest bank and borrow money to start a business?). This administration believes that the Constituency Development Fund is enough to cater for the millions of Kenyans now living below the poverty line. This is a terrible mistake because this is a time bomb that will surely go off. We have already seen some tiny explosions in terms of rising levels of crime that are overwhelming the better equipped and much larger police force we have today. This big time bomb is bound to go off within a year of President Kibaki's re-election. Only a brand new administration headed by a new younger generation of Kenyans, preferably non-golf playing individuals, have any hope of seeing and addressing this priority with the urgency it deserves. It would also help if at least a few influential faces in such a new administration have used a pit latrine recently.

ii) More Commissions Of Inquiry: If you thought Moi had overused commissions of inquiry, then President Kibaki has taken them to new heights. He is now spending taxpayers money to constitute commissions of inquiry to probe members of his own immediate family. Something that can be sorted out in a 10-minute family meeting one lazy Sunday afternoon long before even the public gets wind of it, now takes up public funds and the valuable time of public officers. How else would one view the Artur's saga?

For the uninformed, commissions of inquiry are never meant to get to the bottom of anything. The idea is to be seen to be doing something while time passes so that people forget about the thorny issue at hand. Name one commission of inquiry in Kenya that has produced results to date.

Expect many more commissions of inquiry in a second Kibaki administration and no real solid action.

iii) Dozing off during cabinet meetings. The President will be 76 next year. By the time he completes his second term he will be 81 years old. Surely, let reason prevail as you answer this question. Is this the right age to deal with the problems facing the world today, let alone the problems facing most Kenyans that need radical new ideas to tackle?

The Vice President is the President's age-mate and then there is defense minister Njenga Karume. Those who are familiar with folks this age, please answer the following question; What are the odds of this cabinet staying awake and alert through a 30 minute cabinet meeting (no cabinet meeting is that short)?

iv) More Youth Funds Special funds are usually set up to help people who can otherwise not help themselves. Refugees, widows orphans etc. When a fund is set up to help the people who should be the most active in the economy of a country, then you know that there is something very wrong. In a second Kibaki administration expect the same policies that make Kenyans refugees and less fortunate in their own country so that more youth funds will be constituted to be administered by the same politicians who are experienced in handling funds like in the Goldenberg saga and Anglo Leasing affair.

v) Meanwhile Current Crop of youth leaders are growing old By the time the next elections come in 2012, Kenyans born at independence in 1963 will be approaching 50, 5 years away from the usual retirement age of 55. Is that the right time to hand over leadership to them? Mwai Kibaki joined the cabinet when he was 28 years old. He wants to leave when he is 81. Somebody help me make sense out of this.

vi) More Anglo Leasings And More Goldenbergs The financial scandals never end. There are those Kenyans who believe that because they are being exposed, somehow they will stop. Did you hear about the recent scandal where Cabinet Minister Njenga Karume sold land that he could not previously sell to the government. This administration says there is nothing wrong and everything was above board. Expect many more deals between senior influential cabinet ministers and the government that are "transparent and above board".

vii) We Will always do things the way they were done in the 60s So you are excited about the information age and what modern technology is capable of? And maybe you see it being put to good use to improve the lot of Kenyans? Forget it. Have you tried to talk to a person over 60 years of age recently? They see things very differently, the way they have always been since the swinging 60s. But Osama Bin Laden didn't exist then and neither were automatic weapons so easy to acquire for use in a crime. A second Kibaki term will be quite similar to this first one, a field day for wazee hukumbuka buffs, disaster for the nation.

If you are reading this and you still intend to play Ostrich or believe that there is nothing wrong with a second Kibaki term, then I have only one last thing left to say to you…

Will the last person leaving Kenya remember to switch off the lights…

Chris