Dangerous times for Ali?

There are four key figures who helped Kibaki steal the general elections in December 2007.

1. The chair of the then ECK

2. The head of the intelligence

3. The police commissioner

4. Martha Karua

These are people who know too much. They know enough to put away Mwai Kibaki for the rest of his life as soon as his term at State House ends.

We all know what the ECK chair did and we also know the key role of Michael Gichangi who heads the NSIS. So let me say a little about Martha Karua.

This iron lady is a hero these days. She joined the annals of Kenyan history as the second cabinet minister ever to resign on principal. She has been very busy with her presidential campaign ever since. But I beg to ask a question. If you were Mwai Kibaki would you allow her to walk away knowing what she does. For those who do not know, Martha’s sharp legal mind found the loopholes in our electoral laws that would ensure a second Mwai Kibaki term in State house despite his losing the elections which he knew he would. Michael Gichangi even had the figures of the approximate number of votes he would lose by.

So despite her hot air, did Martha Karua make a deal with Mwai Kibaki that allowed her to walk away with what she knows? You tell me what you think.

Now let us talk about Major General Ali who is the main subject of my post today. I love history, so kindly bear with me. Besides you need history to understand exactly what is going on here.

I followed Mwai Kibaki’s campaign in 2002 very closely. Like many Kenyans I really wanted to believe that he was the messiah Kenya had been waiting for and indeed I voted for him in that memorable 2002 general election. But even as he campaigned I couldn’t help spotting the naivety displayed in his ideas. He kept on repeating that the money the taxman collected then was more than enough to run the country. But he never once gave details of where all the money in the Moi administration was going to. Where was the waste? Just corruption? This is what I assumed he meant and even I observing things very far from the centre of power knew better. That is the cash the president needs (playing Moi and Kibaki politics) to remain in power. Indeed Kibaki quickly changed his mind within a few weeks of living in State house and that is why Anglo Leasing happen.

But I digress. I was talking about Ali. The other thing I found Mwai Kibaki very naïve in was in his ideas for fighting crime. Listening to him it was clear that he thought that a few simple moves would quickly rid the country of crime. You will remember that one of his first actions as chief executive of the nation was to request a written report from the country’s security kingpins. Kibaki’s plan soon emerged. The idea was to increase the number of policemen and women in the country and to get a couple of helicopters hovering over crime prawn areas at night. Had he listened to a few pumbavus then, he would have saved himself a lot of trouble and the taxpayer a lot of money.

Admittedly I was even more naïve. How did I expect a man who has always kept his distance with the common man and the riff ruff (pumbafu in his dictionary) to understand the problems on the ground?

So back to my story. To carry out these new ideas the president needed a new man at Vigilance House and that is how Maj Gen Ali ended up there. To the president’s credit Ali was promised immunity against politicians and this promise was generally kept.

If there is anything a soldier hates it is a job that is left undone. And so when it became clear that crime was never going to vanish because of helicopters in the air and more officers, other options were looked into. The Alston report told Kenyans and the world in detail what other methods Ali oversaw at Vigilance house. I remember the first time I broke that story here (long before the 2007 debacle and long long before Prof Alston), many of my readers just laughed me off. Admittedly Ali’s methods were very effective and the security situation improved dramatically. The only problem is that these methods are NOT acceptable in a civilized society.

We are told that pride comes before a fall. And so by the time December 2007 arrived, police commissioner Maj Gen Ali was riding high. He had proved time and again that he was immune to being sacked (and to noisy annoying politicians). I don’t want to repeat what I have said here before many times so let me just cut to the chase concerning the police commissioner’s role in the election theft of 2007.

I want to focus on the press conference the police commissioner held at KICC on the eve of the announcement of the presidential elections outcome. Indeed Kenyans were puzzled why Ali should hold a press conference to “lecture” Kenyans on keeping the peace whatever the outcome of the elections and yet the elections had already happened and the ECK was just too quiet on the outcome of the presidential elections. In retrospect it is rather clear why this was done. It is evident that as Ali talked that day and laughed at his own jokes with angry journalists stared at him in disbelief, he already knew what the outcome of those elections were. His job was to maintain law and order. Or to put it another way, to ensure that Kenyans accepted the election results at all costs.

So you can see folks that Ali knows too much because the election theft has to be covered up. Nobody must know the truth. Now the tricky situation here is that most legal experts see Ali ending up at the Hague to answer charges of crimes against humanity. Now, how is he going to defend himself? One way is to tell the truth. But we know the truth cannot be told under any circumstances. So will Ali go down alone like a good soldier? But even more important; will the relevant handlers at State House trust him to keep his mouth shut to the end? Is the appointment as Post Office CEO enough to ensure his silence? You see Ali is not Martha Karua. Martha is a seasoned politician and politicians make deals all the time. It is the way of politics. Besides it is unlikely that Martha will end up at the Hague for her role in 2007.

While he was police commissioner, Ali was meticulous about his personal security. If I were him I would double my personal security.

P.S. Remember the former CID chief who fell out with Ali? His name was Joseph Kamau. A few months ago the authoritative Indian Ocean newsletter claimed that Kamau had been appointed as special advisor to the president’s security team. I have since established from my impeccable sources that this is NOT true. So who fed those lies to the Frenchman at the Indian Ocean newsletter? And what was their motive? Well, the truth is that Kamau landed at a major local bank as head of its’ security and anti-fraud unit. He has done an excellent job there I am told. But some people think that now that Ali is a postman, Kamau may just re-appear on the scene. Who knows?

The Old Man Never Killed Ouko

Moi never did it.

I have written two novels, one with my good friend Marriane Brinner, in which I claimed Moi was the mind behind the murder of the late Dr. Robert Ouko. I'm aware that this is a matter most Kenyans have forgotten about, but I have not. I just don't find the crazy stuff Kibaki is doing with Ali and Ringera very sexy. In fact, the games the President is playing at State House just stink.

Back to Moi and Ouko.

I have come by new and compelling evidence that exonerate Moi on the Ouko issue. It takes a big man like me to own up when new evidence refutes allegations made earlier. So since the premise of those two books, The Night Bob Died and A Shining Star in darkness was that Moi killed Ouko, I want to state categorically that Moi never did it.

I have been walked through the chronology of events that led up to Ouko's death, including the key players...and how the same man who masterminded Bob's death eventually staged a commando raid at the late Hezekiah Oyugi's Kileleshwa home. What is fascinating is the way the murderer staged the event to look like an inside job in the Moi administration.

It wasn't.

The killer wasn't Moi...and neither was it Biwott.

Stay tuned!

The Day Kibaki Fired Police Boss, Rewarded Major Ali

By firing Major Ali, President Kibaki has called Kumekucha's April 1 post bluff. Well, it is not foolish to play the game and score five months later.

What a political genius President Kibaki is? With the musical chair rewarding Major Ali with Posta CEO job while pretending to have fired him as police boss, he has taken the wind off the sail of furore over Ringera's reappointment.

Give it to one Mzee Muthaura. The government was tottering in brink of collapse for the few weeks he was hospitalized. But thank God for his recovery. Now the heat is back and the octogenarian diplomat is destined to fix things in no time.

Where is the loudmouthed Prof. Alston? The UN activist wanted Ali, Wako and Ringera removed. Now with the typical Kenyan token gesture, Ali has been cleverly sacrificed to create an impression of action with no actual movement. He can eat his heart out. As for Kenyans, they can as well resign to being tenants to the real landlords. MTA DO?

All the noise about police reforms have been nipped in the bud. Kibaki's former security commandant Iteere is the new police boss. Under him are flower assistants charged with reforms, chapter closed.

Nobody understands Kenyans better than Kibaki. Aware of our short memory, he has fired and rewarded Major Ali. And with that singular stroke of genius Ringera is securely fenced from attacks as we gleefully jump to the next hot issue before us. OLE WETU.

Ringera to Remain KACC Boss, MTA DO?

The so-called national outrage over President Kibaki’s decision to UNILATERALLY re-appoint Justice Aaron Ringera as KACC boss is both misplaced and mischievous. Kibaki acted within the law and the dreamers are better reminded that there is only one centre of power occupied exclusively by President Kibaki.

ODM has been wrong footed once more. Just like when they continued with protests on December 30, 2007 and Kibaki was taking his oath of office. While ODM was drowning in celebrating their inconsequential by-election victories, Kibaki pulled the plug once again to show them who the real boss is.

Meanwhile ODM's serial activists are busy disowning collective responsibility in their petty effort to play to the excited gallery. Well, Kibaki knows REALPOLIK and he has both his eyes and hands on the trophy.

That mob in parliament cannot be taken seriously either with their obsession to turn Kenya into a parliamentary dictatorship. Kibaki was legally sworn in by the Chief Justice to uphold the law and that he is simply practicing what he is constitutionally mandated to do. Kibaki never co-held the Bible with anybody and therefore needs nobody’s approval to re-appoint the eloquent and unrivalled dragon slayer.

Ringera is the best KACC Kenya will ever have. He knows what to protect and Kibaki knows better than appointing a hot head who will disturb business flow with nosy investigations. We are a working nation and with a vision to eradicate darkness and famine by 2030.

Saintly VP
The so-called KACC advisory board must be condemned for being disrespectful to the head of state. Basic logic would inform them that the word advisory simply implies answerable to a higher authority who can chose to make decision with no reference to them. It is foolish for the hecklers to attempt biting the very hand feeding them.

All pretenders criticizing Kibaki on hollow legal grounds better listen to the Justice Minister who knows what it means to defend a president. These loudmouthed even shamelessly ignore the wise counsel of the brilliant, untainted and saintly VP.

Kibaki is right to reappoint Ringera. Aaron has no equal in slaying dragons and waxing Shakespearian. Only him could author and execute the radical judicial surgery. What is more, his ingenuity saw him discover divine intervention to fight graft without firing a short or spending any of our scarce resources. Speak of a genius.

All the noise on Ringera’s re-appointment will only succeed in vindicating Kibaki’s contempt for Kenyans’ pettiness.

Equity Bank And Why I Cry When The National Anthem Is Played At The Games

Most times when Kenyan athletes receive their medals and the whole stadium in some far away foreign land is asked to rise for the Kenyan national anthem, I usually can’t help crying.

It happened recently when I was in the company of somebody who didn’t know me too well and they got quite upset and distressed thinking that somebody had died. It took some explaining for me to convince them that I am just a very emotional and patriotic man. I love my country, warts and all.

I just love Kenya to bits and I guess that is one of the reasons why I took up this seemingly hopeless crusade that is Kumekucha which “clever” intellectuals will tell you is a waste of time. Indeed there are many times I feel like I have wasted time (especially when those Kikuyu/Luo hate comments start flying thick and fast here).

Fortunately I do not always feel like that. Once in a while stuff happens that makes me feel appreciated and makes me momentarily believe that it has been well worth my time, effort and risking my life. I recently met a famous blogger who screamed loudly and called me a legend when she realized who I was. Another famous blogger at the same venue also called me a legend. I blushed of course. Huh!! Some legend. I must have been a disappointment to them because I don’t express myself too well when I am not writing.

But whatever the case, you my dear readers can relax because such things will never go into my head. I am one of those people who strongly feel that the next president of Kenya should ride in a small 1200cc Toyota and with no motorcycles (what are they for anyway?).

But let me get to the point.

I want to talk about Equity Bank in this post.

As you read this I am reliably informed that there are at least half a dozen American Ivy league universities on the ground in Kenya doing research that is related in some way to Equity Bank and studying why it has been such a phenomenal success. I am sorry if this upsets some of you, but every time I see the Equity Bank logo, tears of pride collect in my eyes. Especially if I have been away from home for a long time.

You see the problem we have in Kenya is that we never appreciate our own. In fact we are deeply suspicious of sensational success that happens too fast. And we have absolutely got no time to encourage anything that is homegrown. So that’s why some American universities have to come all the way to Africa for any Kenyan to even sit up and take notice of our own.

I am deeply aware of the so called “Kikuyu factor attached to Equity Bank but millions of its’ members have no iota of Kikuyu blood flowing through their veins and they love their bank.

Let’s forget the politics for a moment and try to understand the Equity phenomena shall we? A friend of mine who has gone through some hard times recently (like so many other Kenyans) needed some money to put food on the table the other day. He remembered that he had opened an Equity account about 5 years ago which had fallen dormant over the years. He decided to walk down to his branch and close the account and get at least 200 bob which he needed badly. On reaching the bank, he had just started giving instructions for the account to be closed when he realized that he could reactivate it and draw out 400 bob and leave a balance of about Kshs 40 in the account. It seems that this bank has no minimum balance for savings accounts unlike most other banks in Kenya. Well, my friend did just that and a few minutes later walked out of the bank with the badly needed Kshs 400 bob in his pocket. He is NOT a Kikuyu.

Now my friend has made an emotional decision. He tells me he is expecting some cash soon and has vowed to close all his other accounts and keep all his money with Equity. You see many businesses quickly forget that they are dealing with people and people are driven by emotions. Is it any wonder that Equity is so much loved by the masses?

You see my good friends, Equity is a success simply because it understands the masses and the down and out. It is really that simple. Walk into the bank and listen carefully to some of the enquiries. Many of them would cause a fit at Barclays or some other big multinational bank. You will find somebody asking why it is not possible to draw Kshs 100 from the ATM (Equity’s minimum withdrawal allowed at the ATM is Kshs 200). I kid you not. Those long queues have folks in them whose questions can easily make most people pass out in amazement.

Over the last few months I have had many interesting discussions about Equity Bank with many different people (including the famous blogger I met the other day who mostly agrees with me despite her snobbish background). I have talked to banking experts, laymen, the poor and the rich. And from these discussions I have realized the terrible truth;

• The stinking rich will never accept Equity Bank because “they know everything” about money and keeping it and they “know” that Equity is NOT safe. PERIOD. The facts are NOT important relevant here.
• The big banks hate Equity because “who do they think they are” growing so fast and challenging the well established banks? Worse still, who do they think they are changing the ground rules of banking in Kenya the way they have? In fact they got so upset the other day that one of them (name with-held) launched a propaganda campaign in the press that Equity was collapsing. It was the kind of campaign that would have caused a run which can bring down any bank in the world. But Equity survived it mostly because most of its’ account holders don’t read newspapers (some can’t afford them others cannot understand them because the people who write and edit them have no idea how most Kenyans live).
• To make things worse they have no Kenyatta. Moi or Kibaki blood on the board of directors. Or any other well known monied name in Kenya. How dare….
• The rich will never understand ordinary folks in Kenya and therefore what they don’t understand they will quickly dismiss. The only problem with Equity is that they have been dismissing this “funny bank” for years and yet it continues to grow from strength to strength. Now this “funny” bank is the largest in Kenya in terms of account holders and is rapidly hurtling towards the very top in terms of asset base as well.

I have some little advice for those who are ready to learn something here (it is not necessary for you to get all teary every time the “mini ni member” Equity ad appears on TV for you to learn here). And my advice comes with a story.

Decades ago in India some small entrepreneur realized that most poor Indians loved to use a detergent rather than a bar soaps to wash their clothes. The only problem was that they couldn’t afford them and so they stuck to their bar soaps. On the other hand other manufacturers were sure that the poor just loved bar soaps and would never use a detergent even if you paid them to. Those familiar with India may have heard of the name Nirma. His cheap detergent for the masses took off like a rocket and the rest is history.

Whatever you are struggling to make a success of today, why not try and sell it to the masses? Yep sell it to the guys who supposedly have no money. The riff raff of society. Why not try to be the next Nirma or the next Equity Bank?

Remember to share some of your enormous profits with me will you…


P.S. Incidentally for anybody interested in getting to State House, it is the riff ruff who will get you there. Oh yes, the guys who are “stupid enough” to have accounts in Equity. Incidentally there are almost 6 million such “stupid” people in Kenya now and still growing.

Oops! Real Boss Aptly Rewards Ringera

Nothing proves loyalty more than a reward.Justice Ringera is back for a second stint at the helm of KACC and his re-appointment proves credit is always given where it is due. Never mind weak-sounding arguments that Kenya does not need KACC let alone its director if the office of Omubudsman is present and strengthened to be more effective Saving KShs 2.5million a month over the next 4 years isn't the issue either

What Kenyans consistently fail to understand is that corruption can only cease to be a way of life in this country if there is a ceremonial figurehead outside the executive arm of the Government to fight it without fear or favour. Kweli asante ya punda ni mateke. Kenyans themselves are the ones who are corrupt yet when the Government sets out to fight corruption we realise they are actually fighting us and immediately begin to cry foul. Corruption is a grave matter of life and death and newly appointed KACC director Justice Ringera has had his life threatened many times in the course of patriotic duty yet ungrateful Kenyans are always complaning the war against graft is dead. How unfair and shame on Kenyans we are truly the bane of integrity

Good Preaching
Let the preaching continue; this is not just about earning a living. At the twilight of his previous tenure fighting corruption in the same office, a draconian amendment to the law was passed by this current parliament which sought to clip both his and KACCs wings. Justice Ringera would have none of it and cried foul before the press standing firm on his claim that he needed those powers to prosecute the big fish involved in big scams; without them he would only be able to harass and prosecute many small fish for smaller amounts of cash while letting off the hook people who have fleeced Kenya dry and badly deserve justice

Not many Kenyans can handle the heat of a seat upon which the mention of your name immediately invokes both admiration from a grateful public while immediately striking fear among the looters and the corrupt. Such a person can only be adequately described as a loud barker and biter in right proportions

In short, let us not be unfairly critical of Justice Ringera's renewed watchman mandate at the helm of Hell's gates-the benefit of the doubt means he may this time prove equal to the task of fighting corruption with the full weight of the Grand Coalition Government behind him. God bless him and God bless Kenya

Bomachoge, Shinyalu: Kibaki's True Leadership

While ODM drowns in victory after winning the latest two by-elections, a poignant message lost in the celebratory heat is the above-fray leadership shown by President Kibaki. He left PNU to its own devices and chose not to reduce himself to petty and partisan politicking.

True leadership from the front and by example is practiced and not preached. And Kibaki has just raised the bar to the sky. In any case after WINNING his final term in 2007, he has no political business to conduct in either Shinyalu or Bomachoge.

PNU chair Prof G. K. K. Saitoti tried his best but fell short. But there is no need cause for alarm since ODM capturing Bomachoge from PNU reverses the political equation to what it was before the former lost Embakassi to the later. Game draw and now we can concentrate on our working nation before another holiday is declared to celebrate census results.

The more things change politically the more they retrogress. Well bloggers here have been waxing patriotic demanding political lullabies in the name of solutions without first dissecting the present rot. The by-elections have provided them with more than enough as evident in the emerging destructive so-called Kalonzo-effect that has just entered out political lexicon.

One thing is for sure, you don’t WIN a presidency at all costs and disturb your peace thereafter with politically inconsequential by-elections. Kenya made the turn in December 2007 and we will never the same again. Sorry to disappoint pretenders in search of evangelism.

Time For Clean Break With Ruto and Company

Let the man go!

The Mau has never been the issue. For Ruto, who would have rather lined up behind Kalonzo Musyoka in the 2007 elections, it has all along been about bringing Raila down. To his credit, he has done a masterful job in using the Mau issue to rally the Rift Valley MPs and their electorate against the Prime Minister.

It will not last.

For starters, the Mau can only be a short-term political winner for Ruto and his brand of politics. The Mau has and will continue to be a divisive issue, which Ruto judges correctly will polarize debate in this country and embitter his Kalenjin tribe against Mr. Odinga. Such tactics always work very well. Indeed, they are now being applied against President Barack Obama in the States by xenophobic groups hell bent on denying him a second term by making it untenable for the whites to vote for him in the next elections.

The trouble with this kind of politics is that it inevitably leads to bitterness, fights, and in our case, bloodshed. When Isaac Ruto repeatedly warns us about bloodshed, it is this kind of scenario that plays in his mind. He understands that the Ruto game plan is about using hate as a weapon and has been made its prophet. What sober Kenyans must ask the two Rutos and their supporters is...after the Mau, then what? Will they come up with another wedge issue to divide us? And could it be that the dance they played around the Hague issue was just an effort to be on the other side of Raila for the sake of playing this game they are playing now?

Here is what I would tell the Prime Minister if he sought my advice. Let this dead weight go now. For a man who was elected to lead the nation, leading is what you must do.

Of course Mr. Odinga can't walk away from the fact that he got where he is through the support of our brothers and sisters from the Rift Valley, but that support never meant he was obligated to support everything the folks from that province threw his way. For example, why would he allow himself to look so indecisive by being like Ruto who now supports the Hague, now not? Or the Ruto who now wants people out of the Mau, now not? Is this a man who can lead his people, leave alone Kenya?

As Ruto enters his alliances in the future, we can only wish him well. I hope such an alliance will draw in the likes of Kenyatta...another man wanted by the Hague, and Kalonzo Musyoka...that traitor who sold Kenya for thirty pieces of silver when the nation was reeling. If that trio is the new leaders we must face in 2012, then let's walk with our heads held high. Maybe they'll be at the Hague, save for Kalonzo, answering for their crimes in funding and providing inspiration to tribal militias that killed over a thousand Kenyans.

And one other thing. Ruto will find out, just like Raila did, that the Kenyan voter is just one element in the leadership equation of Kenya. There is that other constituency called the international community. When that constituency stands against you, it is difficult to win Kenya. Indeed, at times I think that is why Raila has played safe with that entity. It is a lot easier to fix the thinking of the Kenyan electorate than fix the worldview of the world community about Candidate X.

So if I were Raila and those who mean well for Kenya, this is the time to seek and form alliances that draw in men and women who won't whip up tribal animosity and hate against other groups, men and women who will move this nation forward as a united Kenya, not those who will perpetually trap us in the old, discredited politics of tribal alliances.

It is a time to think issue not tribe.

Let the man go now!

Enumerators Stirs President's Foul Mood

News update
The 2009 census exercise has kicked off to a storm when enumerators incited President Kibaki's foul mood when they asked him about the actual size of his family. The head of state was not amused especially when asked to specify his spouse/s. Heads will definitely roll at the bureau of statistics.

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Working Nation Takes Holiday to Count Tensed Tribes
It is census time and Kenyan style a holiday has been declared for this historic exercise. But while knowledge of demographics and all its varianst are important for national planning, do we have to resort to many holidays for our working nation?

This will be the fifth census for Kenya since 1969. Just like all other institutions and activities we inherited from the colonialist, we have not KENYANIZED our census apart from counting native faces. The 10-yearly exercise has simplye been reduced to a national ritual.

Before apologists fall over themselves throwing epithets in defense of thoughtlessness they better try a honest reflection. We don't have to operate like robots to answer to the 10 year timetable in counting deeply divided tribes.

Typical Moi took it to extreme levels by creating non-existent subtribes for pure political expediency among perceived oppositionists. On the other hand he came up with mega-tribes to boost political supremacy. Just ask yourselves what is common among the Pokots or Turkans with the Nandis apart from being Nilotes.

The whole census exercie leaves you with the gut feeling that it is just another conduit for the politically correct to draw some more blood from prey Kenya. The country is so divided and tensed, counting tribes would be the last agenda on any leader worth his name.

But hey, this is Kenya owned and patented by political scoundrels. We are so unique we heal when tensed by being reminded that we are different.

Patent Pending

What is in a name?quite rightly William Samoei Ruto does not own the patent to the name his parents gave him. Yet this same name of his seems to be owned by a mischevious shady and shadowy copycat determined to embarass the hard working Eldoret North MP with close shaves of the uncomfortable kind that cast shadows not favorable politically.

This unpatented name has done enough pseudo harm to raise suspicious eyebrows on the real agriculture minister. From being mistaken as being the identity of the cabinet minister banned from the United States early this year through to suspicions about that name appearing on the infamous Waki envelope with a list of post election violence perpetrators and now that name allegedly being one of the those alloted Agricultural Development Corporation land. On all these counts however the authentic owner has always been consisten in clearing the air of any misconceptions that may have been surrounding the misuse of his person

All these coincedences may have prompted the minister to ask himself the question "do Kenyans really know who i am"? Kenyans will have to keep the answer to that question close to their chest just in case it will prove too costly to reveal in the near future. On the other hand what we are seeing might be the dawn of a new era in the political landscape involving real politik warfare using never before deployed tactics of literally cloning your political opponents and liberating the doppelganger to go undo any good the REAL person may have done. A good example would be at a public function for example one president could safely be tucked away at night sleeping in the confines of his bedroom while the doppelganger stands in his place to be sworn in at the ceremony

Masters of Duplicity, Perils of Parallel Actions

The term figurehead had never acquired a poignant meaning in Kenyan political lexicon. The two centres of power are really working overtime to create a false picture of harmony. Well, evidence and history will leave those young or naive enough to trust the gimmicks really disappointed.

The last few weeks have witnessed tough talk and directives that are designed to be ignored and never followed. Only in Kenya do you have a commander-in-chief issuing an edict for immediate eviction but no subsequent actions by his subordinated to effect the same. We heard the confirmation that Migingo is Kenya’s ruled by Uganda who have declared no census on the island come next Monday.

And the evil of parallel authorities serving selfish interest doesn’t stop there. On paper there is only one Kenya Police but the reality confirms two forces. While Major Ali heads the regular police wing, ex-Nakuru DC Kinuthia Mbugua is busy arming and modernizing the AP wing for obvious reasons. Besides parallel commands, the two bosses owe their loyalty to different individuals and not the institutions they lead.

Misplaced enthusiasm
Meanwhile the PM has been handed a sturdy velvet noose. Poor man! He is meant to coordinate and supervise some painful and unpopular activities by ministers already scheming for 2012. How I would love to be proved wrong but I fear not.

Raila’s enthusiasm will be severely fatigued and frustrated by vested interests. The history of such a disappointment is just months past when he was reminded that Muhoho is not ordinary. Meanwhile let living in serial denial mutate into all its known and unknown variants.

The Fallacy of Sharing Two Centres of Power

You know you are a failed state when the country’s institution constituted to fight corruption abdicates its responsibility and instead seeks divine intervention to achieve that mandate. They should resign so that we appoint Cardinal Njue to head KACC for free. Boy, aren’t we geniuses who can afford the cheek to mock God together with the Holy Book? That is Kenya for you and we are erratically matching on to vision 2030.

Almost 50 years after FLAG independence, our original quest to conquer the trio menace of hunger, disease and ignorance has been overcome only in tons of paper and no result to show for the gimmicks. Meanwhile the politicos are all dreaming and scheming on how to share raw power.

Power rationing must never be mistaken for power sharing. Power abhors vacuum and all the eloquence in articulating new vision amounts to nothing but hot air designed to expand political egos. The truth is with limping institutions, Kenya is only cheating herself by making impression of motions bereft of any meaningful movement.

Mocking God
The numerous political posturing in the last two months can only be traced to PS Muthaura’s hospitalization and subsequent recuperation. Everybody is jostling to fill the void he left. But soon the schemers will come crashing down when the real power levers revert to the rightful owners.

We are not permanently warming hellhole's bottom because of lack of glossy blue prints. It is the acute dearth of political will. The current crop of leaders is only entertaining us with circular motions.

With their theatrics, the distance covered may be enormous but unfortunately the true displacement remains ZERO. We will eventually arrive at the starting point very exhausted.

Aborted revolution
Look around you what do see, paralysis and anarchy galore. Basic necessities such as water, energy, food and security have been cheaply branded emergencies. What is more, 10 days after an EXECUTIVE order from the commander-in-chief to evict forest settlers nobody moves, nobody cares what the political rant was all about.

Well, political IMPOTENCE and MORAL DEATH manifests itself in numerous forms and shapes. We must re-invent ourselves fast politically before 2012 after our 2002 revolution was aborted. OLE WETU.

Begging With Huge, Exotic, Gold-Plated Bowl

We are not a failed state. We are sovereign and we have told every patronizing neo-colonialist just as much. We need no lectures from foreigners. But hey, here we come gold-plated bowl in hand begging for food lest we go extinct from hunger.

The international community must help us save souls otherwise we will have NOBODY to count come census day on August 24. And they must do so with no strings attached because soon we will be on our own feet once we DISCOVER alternative and safe sources of energy that can provide power and water to our homes and industries.

The 40 plus Cabinet Ministers are working overtime to help us manage these crises. They need unwavering support from all patriotic Kenyans. Let us help save Kenya from herself please.

Is It Time To Drop Equity Bank?

The evidence is no longer anecdotal. Equity Bank is not for us all!

Over the years, since this bank started operating in Kenya, there have been recurrent complaints from a growing section of the Kenyan populace who feel the bank serves only the interests of a certain community. In keeping with my practice to breath fire when I think things aren't going right, let me say that the community folks refer to is our brothers and sisters from Central Province. It doesn't help matters that the bank is heavily staffed by men and women from that region. So if perception is anything to go by, it is time for people across the country, who feel the bank does not serve their interests, to close their accounts and walk away.

A secret analysis of the bank's trends was conducted by folks I won't name here after complaints about the bank's lending patterns reached a crescendo early this year. The findings are indeed troubling. First and foremost, it is now clear that the bank generally lends larger sums of money to Kikuyus than it does to folks from elsewhere, unless those folks are supper-rich and would pay back the money lent to them within a few days. according to that study, this amounts to the bank using funds from communities across the country, who bank with it, to enrich the region from where its top management emanates. This is a morally indefensible practice.

Then there is the practice of loading key positions within the banks hierarchy with members of the House of Mumbi. In another lifetime, we used to call that kind of thing tribalism. The problem with this practice is that the decision-making committees are automatically dominated by folks from Central Province. Given that state of affairs, chances that loan applications from non-Central Kenyans are scrutinized and turned down at a higher rate than would be ordinarily acceptable if the decision-makers were a lot more mixed.

If you add the fact that Equity Bank's ATMs are down at the end of every month to the troubling lending trends, and the fact that the bank boasts some of the longest lines in the history of Kenyan banking, what you have is a bank that people should be fleeing, not celebrating. And by the way, those rumors you've heard about the bank's political connection are not unfounded. Looking at where the donor funds to the government are pumped and where top politicians from Central Province bank, you can't deny this political-connection reality. Lest I sound naive, let me say that in and of itself, the fact that Central political and corporate heavyweights bank at Equity is not a problem; the problem is whether the bank will survive when President Kibaki is no longer its unofficial patron.

Can Equity Bank be trusted to get it right?

As it's presently constituted and run, NO!

Fellow Kenyans, what I'm saying is that the time to walk away from a bank that does not serve the interests of this nation's people is now. From Kisumu to Nakuru to Kakamega to Isiolo, the time to reassess our allegiance to this institution is today, not tomorrow. If we wait till tomorrow, we'll have unwittingly participated in the empowerment of one community at the expense of the ones we come from. That is not what we set out to do when we opened accounts at Equity.

So let's work with banks that will empower Kenyans equally. Unless Equity meets the Lord and gets baptized!

Conducting Choir of Denial: 10 Ways To Survive In Dark Thirsty Hungry Kenya

Following Martha Karua’s unprecedented move to take the principals head on abroad, Kenyans would benefit a lot by borowing her deadly venom. For starters we need her steely guts to confront the myriad calamities that have taken permanent residence within our borders.

Here are 10 time-tested strategies we can adopt to see us overcome them:

1. Complain bitterly about cost of living to anyone within earshot

2. Harbor deep bitterness and resentment angrily within because of country’s state of affairs

3. Don’t shower or bath-just “splash” necessary area

4. Rising food prices-loose weight freely due to food shortage

5. Read trusted Standard newspaper now only once a week save on shillings

6. Power rationing-can’t watch always trusted KTN

7. Biting drought-drill borehole in backyard due to water shortage

8. Ration phone air-time- use smoke signals to communicate with friends and family

9. Endure nightmare traffic jams while road rage builds slowly due to unruly roads

10. Discover uchumi wa kadogo-enjoy small packets of essentials from neighbouring slums

Is Imanyara Fighting Impunity or Kibaki?

Honourable Gitobu Imanyara has crafted a private member’s bill seeking to establish a local tribunal to try PEV perpetrators. This comes after MPs unanimously shot down Martha Karua’s bill proposing the same. What is more, they threatened a repeat performance to Mutula Kilonzo. The turnaround amounts to liking the message but hating the messenger or grabbing ownership of what you hitherto loothed.

Imanyara’s bill comes with the knockout punch that specifically strips the president of immunity. He says his singular goal is to end impunity. So the question follows whether he equates the reigning impunity to the person of the president.

Don’t be vague, let’s go to The Hague was the clarion call of the heard in parliament. They chanted and shouted themselves hoarse but in the long run to show the MPs who the real bosses were, the cabinet disabused them of any pretensions of power and came with the TJRC gimmick.

Imanyara and his ilk may mean all the good things for Kenya. But one is left wondering whether personalizing the crusade against an individual and not the office takes the wind off the legal sails.

Parliamentary dictatorship
What is more, Imanyara intends to give MPs the exclusive power of parliament, executive and judiciary all to themselves. They will debate, legislate and enact the bill without reference to any other branch of government. One would wish MPs were that objective and honest to be trusted with this parliamentary dictatorship.

This impunity hydra mutates into many shapes and forms. Granted, any Kenyan suffocating from yoke would readily and unreservedly support anybody with a blade aimed at any of the monster's many heads. But the double standards and hypocrisy leaves you fearful of another mutant masquerading as a saviour. NA BADO.

Fare Thee Well Maruge, Face of Courage

Mzee Kimani Ng’ang’a Maruge, the Guinness World Record holder for being the oldest student, has succumbed to cancer aged 89. He lived his course and in his death Kenya has lost a resilient face of determination and perseverance.

Enrolling in class one at the age of 84, Maruge was courage unrivalled. He may not have realized his dream to complete primary education, but Mzee Maruge epitomized pure DETERMINATION.

Maruge surely and bravely breathed new life into the cliche IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO TRY. Fare thee well Kimani.

Kibaki on Mau Warpath, Kenya Turning Corner

The General has given eviction orders. In one firm action, President Kibaki has emphatically ordered all Mau settlers out. And he is not done yet. Failing to obey will see you arraigned before court. That is pure leadership from the front and by example. So who said we lack leadership?

President Kibaki couldn’t have been more inclusive. He first met Rift Valley MPs two weeks ago to discuss the forest evictions and national healing. Kenyans must be prepared to usher in new dawn, thanks to Kibaki. We must learn to start revering our own prophet at home lest we loose him to other deserving nations.

Kibaki’s blade will crack all thieving skulls. His unselfish actions will not spare anybody, not even ex-president Moi and AP commandant (ex-DC, Nakuru) Kinuthia Mbugua who together own more than a district hived off Mau.

Desperate times calls for firm actions to confront challenges and Kibaki has just done that. Soon, the starving 5m Kenyans will be sufficiently fed and Kenyans will kiss goodbye to power rationing thanks to Kibaki’s foresight.

The electoral reforms seminar at KICC provided the launching pad. The Honorable VP aptly summed it up when he eloquently and diplomatically reminded us all was not lost with the unfortunate madness of 2007. We just slipped and forward-looking Kenyans have seized the opportunity to MOVE ON in securing a bright future for themselves.

What is more, we are cruising on the superhighway to modernism with automated voting. The shame and grime we visited upon ourselves from the flawed electoral process is history. The President himself vowed at KICC that Kenya will never see the kind of violence that followed the 2007 poll. And with the power bestowed on him, knows what he is talking about and he will deliver.

Saving best for last
Election manipulators are better advised to seek exile. We have no more room presiding officers who come to Nairobi with one set of results, detour to their homes and evaporate in the thin air. No more computer geeks who get inside computers magically alter data.

Kibaki couldn’t have come out so forcefully at the right time. He has effectively killed two precious birds with his single action. He has put golden letters to his legacy and saved Kenya from self-destruction. All he needs is our collective support.

With that magic wand, Kibaki’s actions have banished the evils of vote rigging, electoral malpractices and bloodshed. HE has come out in his best element and woe unto political hangers on. No more deodorant would have been effect in sanitizing our polluted social and political environment following the bungled 2007. Bye to impunity, cronysm, political intolerance and primitive ethnicity.

A WISE good leader is a constant source of overflowing optimism in the face of famine, water shortages and power rationing. Folks, a new dawn is here and we owe it to Kibaki. In return he needs our unwavering support. He surely saved his best for the last - FOR US.

Electoral Reforms Mirage from Dinosaurs

We are not in the present hell hole for lack of brilliant ideas but failure to utilize them because of political expediency. The trio famine, ignorance and disease that defined our independence clarion call remain a mirage. The useless and myriad commissions and committees continue to suffocate Kenyans.

The new Ahmed Hassan-led IIEC outfit is composed of brilliant Kenyans and already they have shown what they are capable of doing. But it is not what is put on paper that counts when the power wielders can trash anything thanks to obtuse impunity. We only fool ourselves by going in circles in search of solutions only to come out with same old stuff packaged differently.

The easily excitable scoundrels are all glee with the workings of electronic voting. But these are the same people whose cronies penetrated the discredited ECK and abandoned the use of computers and shamelessly opted for manual counting to facilitate voting fraud.

Granted, the evils of ethnicity, irresponsible utterances by politicians and media sensationalism played part in 2007’s PEV. But it is typical Kenyan trait to live the coloured lie in failing to accept responsibility for the action that triggered the near-Armageddon.

Critical mass
The more things change the more they really remain the same. But one thing is for sure, these dinosaurs speak of reluctantly speak of reforms which has succeeded in fueling Kenyans need of true change. No amount of procrastination will buy them time when we acquire that critical mass.

They bastardized Kenya's democracy and seeing the same faces participating in a mock voting exercise amounts to salting our national raw wounds. It is impossible to author any new order out of the present quagmire with these dinosaurs in charge.

Before you know it the real power brokers will have mint spanners in the works with eyes singularly trained for a repeat performance in 2012 albeit with a different face holding the bible in darkness.

Kenya is overflowing with enthusiasm for REAL REFORMS but the acute lack of both leadership and political will is our singular bane. Look no further than the forgotten IDPs who be become but a footnote as politicians selfishly scheme for 2012.

Food Crisis: Time for Vultures to Scavenge

At the risk of being branded a doom sayer, past experience points to another opportunity for enterprising Kenyan leaders to make a killing over the present famine crisis. Times like these will prod the best thieving minds with power and money to import maize duty free and hoard it to create artificial shortage.

With no singular virtue defining us as Kenyans, expect the political and economic vultures to circle the carcass as they suck the last drop of blood. And lest we forget, all the WAR TIME theatrics are all clever gimmicks crafted with no intention of any real movement.

The plastic motions to confront famine whose symptoms have been staring us in the face for more than a year are smart ploy to cool off from Mau and stillborn TJRC. After doing commerce with Kenya’s dying masses, trust the scoundrels to manufacture another crisis to postpone Hague and Mau.

Here we are as a country with top notch academicians and well-paid parastatal heads now running like headless chicken as Kenyans starve to death. And to soothe tribal egos we shout ourselves hoarse about self-financing our national budget. Add to that the mirage of vision 2030 and you get a soothing melody that sends a whole nation to their collective death bed.

Leaking moral fibre
The genesis of all ailments afflicting Kenya is principally traceable to acute lack of leadership. Instead of confronting challenges, what we have are half-measures to deodorize stinking rot underneath. The moral fibre is so much shredded none of its threads can withstand any iota of credibility.

Meanwhile the next looting and thieving frenzy will start with the duty-free importation of maize. Take it a step further and you have the big boys importing phantom standby generators meant to ease power rationing. These are the fraudulent schemes of vices that define us as a nation.

All else are political theatrics designed to keep us engaged and enslaved to the present rot. NA BADO.

Famine Top Excuse, Mau and TJRC Dead

Just when the noose was tightening around the cabinet following their contemptuous decision to force TJRC down the throats of Kenyans, they have just up gradated the debilitating famine to a convenient emergency. Our smart political Alecs never suffers the dearth of creative ideas to disguise challenges before them.

With donors not buying the TJRC facade and promising no funding, the kite lost both wings before leaving the ground. Forget all the balderdash that we finance our national budget. That phantom declaration is principally aimed to create a sense of false pride among Kenyans as the looters go on a spree emptying our national coffers and auctioning Kenya to Libyans.

Look at Mau and the dirty tricks involved. While one side of the administration is left to do the heavy lifting, the other consorts with the same MPs hell bent on reaping maximum political capital at the expense of conservation. Inciting Mau peasants is easy for politicians who in real sense are protecting their own selfish interests at our national expense.

Raila may have just been unwittingly handed the velvet political noose. The Jewish folklore of fattening a lamb before sacrificing it has never been so prophetic. The Mau crisis was one that was started with the singular purpose of not solving it.

24-hour courts
You don’t expect Moi and Kinuthia Mbugua to vacate their large farms guarded by GSU just like that. Kenya has its owners. The parameters for dealing with the Kenyan masses and the masters are different as day and night.

The Cabinet must be smiling from ear to ear for the godsend DISCOVERY of famine that will soon make all of us forget any traces of impunity. Meanwhile the pests continue sucking our last drop of blood as they grandiose paper proposals. After the 24-hour economy now comes grandiose 24-hour court sessions. What next? NA BADO.

Evil Trinity: Contempt, Impunity and Immunity

Let the truth be told, the unspoken utmost fear is President Kibaki being held personally responsible as commander-in-chief for all the post election violence. When the security machinery kills RIOTERS, the buck stops at the Commander-in-Chief who must have overtly or covertly given those orders.

You can choose to bury your head in the sand in denial all you care but only one person MUST be held responsible for the breakdown in law and order and the subsequent bloodshed in the control of lawlessness. Only the state has monopoly of violence. Hiding under two-wrongs-make-a-right facade is a cheap short at security in numbers gimmick.

Apologists to the present regime can hide under truncated ICC mandate but not for long. Most Kenyans are comfortable serially living national lies. We are allergic to making hard decisions no matter the challenge facing us. What to do, someone else (read The Hague) must come and clean up our messes.

We can circumscribe all the beautiful circular motions we want but twisting the nasty truth will not make it vanish. The NSIS saw it coming and promptly warned the relevant offices. And what did they do? Well, the script had been crafted and rehearsed. No amount of dire warning would let the National Security Council (no pizes for guessing its members) change tact or give in. Kenya has its owners and we all unwittingly dissects the effects ignoring the 2007 cause.

Settling for a suboptimal compromise singularly crafted to please selfish competing interests of tribal warlords is a kin to neatly bottling a deadly apocalypse. Soon the deceptive threads will give way and the red river of blood will flow fast and furious. But scoundrels would prefer to baptize a grave as a rut oblivious of the fact that the true difference lies only in their dimensions.

Evil reign
The ghosts born in December 2007 are growing bigger and won’t exit our borders any time soon. Faint hearts bred on deception would cheaply brand that whining. Well, living in self-denial is the genesis of self-destruction.

We speak of impunity as if it is some alien object from outer space. Nothing epitomizes impunity more than the obtuse contempt Cabinet shoved down the throat of Kenyans by opting for the phantom TJRC headed by pretenders and peddlers of diplomatic/peace CVs.

The cabinet is simply telling Waki and the selfish, querulous bunch of MPs who the boss is - UTA DO? What is more, the cabinet’s fear for MPs is an extrapolation of bastardized democracy as expertly engineered during the 2007 polls.

The MPs may have thought they had the executive by the balls. Not quite when the executive is the alpha and omega as originators of impunity. Even Imanyara’s well-meaning manoeuvre to set up a local tribunal independently by parliament while bypassing the presidency is a kite without wings. The hitherto absolute and abject fear of the Tenth Parliament has been turned on its head. No surprise here.

Of whiners and pretenders
Pretender here often hide under platitudes in re-defining ICC mandate oblivious of the naked fact that their poorly disguised concept of presidential immunity is a dead end under international crime context. Refusing to look the ugly truth in the face only succeeds in postponing the inevitable explosion.

While the genuine IDPs remain relegated to the footnotes of present leadership, we shamelessly applaud their fraudulent political schemes. If not fattening an opponent before political slaughter, our political masters dream of unholy alliances of tribal warlords. Well, the joke is squarely resting on our heads.

The evil trinity of impunity, contempt and immunity is what accurately defines the mindset of our past and present rulers. All else are sideshows and acts meant to propagate the same selfish interests. The saving grace it that the wishes of majority of Kenyans for The Hague trials will eventually come. Only that the present pretenders are expensively buying time, but not forever.

From The Archive: Kumekucha Classic

Majority Of Kenyans Favored Senator Obama’s Remarks, Poll Reveals

A recent online poll has clearly shown the sentiments of the Kenyan people towards Senator Barack Obama and the remarks he made in Nairobi which seem to have greatly angered the Kenyan government.

The poll results clearly portray a government that is directly not in sync with the thinking of the very electorate that brough them into power and from which they will seek votes once more in the December 2007 polls. It is clear evidence that the Kibaki administration has completely los touch with the ordinary people of Kenya, whom the senator seems to have a much better understanding of.

Here are the results of the online poll;

(Based on 684 votes)
Poll Question: Was Senator Barack Obama's speech in Nairobi justified?

Yes 81.0%

No 19.0%

The online poll is ongoing at the Nation media group site.

Chris

Bye Hilary Clinton, You’re Obama’s Catapult

She came, shouted herself hoarse and left plenty of heat with no trace of light. Hilary Clinton was such a powerful catapult for Obama who will not reduce himself to gracing our shores soon. And as predictable as the sun sets in the east Hilary took the moral high ground delivering great lecture to an unwilling audience.

Her theatrics are over and we are back to own ways. Hilary and Obama are better advised that no amount of noise will make us deviate from our goals. They must know that post election violence which they often exploit to as a pretext to harass us is our exclusive making.

We know the colour and taste our own blood better and we have more pressing issues like IDPs to settle instead of watching video links from Washington. Clinton can shout all the much she cares about reforms but we know we have our own IRON LADY Martha who is real steel with the penchant to never taking hostages nor suffering fools lightly.

POTUS and PORK
So POTUS Barack Obama takes the relationship with Kenya very seriously and very personally? So what? Yes he can mouth all the platitudes but he cannot hold any candle to our own PORK who was already a don when he was born.

US should be the last country to lecture anybody on impunity. And we are miles ahead of them in terms of human rights and good governance. Look who between Kenya and US is a signatory to the Rome Statute.

So Hilary waxes democratic and articulate by reminding us that fighting impunity is like a rite of passage and the only road forward. So what, we have heard that before. In fact we are treading that bloody road since December 2007. Leta ingine.

Working Nation Labouring in Pitch Darkness

Its hard to believe acute chronic power rationing is back with us again. Usual culprits Kenya Power and Lightning are trying not to offend the sensibilities of Kenyans by calling it power load management scheme when every faculty screams reminisence of 1998 and 2000 blackouts. A big stick is indeed a spoon in 2009

Beginning tomorrow twice a week and for the forseable future we will be living and working in pre-colonial village times using the sun for natural illumination until just before dusk. There will however be no real-power sharing at night which is good news for after dark revellers because they will get to continue enjoying their nocturnal activities in the light. KPLC saw it fit not to give criminals and hooligans more cover of darkness than they already deserve

The only thing that can get a country repeatedly into this type of energy crisis situation we're in is lack of straight and forward thinking.One can only wonder what happened to plans and finances to expand the country's sources of electrcity. we are bequeathing the amply deficient legacy of successive unsuccessful governments who must surely have been unable to see past beyond their noses when it came to fending for Kenyans. leo haijakucha see you in the dark

America Must Let Kenya Bleed Herself Dead

So US foreign secretary Hilary Clinton has arrived and even before opening her mouth Kenya is the recipient of all barbs. Already Johnnie Carson is breathing fire and brimstone. The good ex-envoy to Nairobi is wielding the proverbial big stick singling our Wako and Aaron Ringera for thrashing.

Clinton will come, kick all the dust, generate all the heat and leave us with no light. And the bogeyman Carson must not belittle the world-renown lawyer Wako whose unique and sharp intellect Kenya has been lucky to enjoy for close to two decades. Johnnie needs to ask East Timorese what a brilliant legal mind Wako is before he suffers the wrath of permanent smile.

By attacking Ringera, America is becoming a global activist serving the interest of our numerous selfish NGOs. The dragon slayer is one smart lawyer whose Shakespearean pedigree is unrivalled. Show me any more qualified Judge speaking the right language to replace Ringera and I will show you a dreaming Waki.

Our own PORK
For goodness sake the K in KACC is for Kenya and not Kansas. And the ex-junior senator of New York must not act as Obama’s catapult to vomit on our lawns. We are a sovereign country and we can butcher ourselves all the much we care and only us can stop that not POTUS nor Hilary. We have our won intellectual PORK.

The West's obsession with so-called Agenda Four is nauseating. Four comes after three and we have no Agenda Five, so why the hullaballoo? We will tackle REFORMS at our own pace and we won't allow ourselves to be pushed nor please anybody. Kenya has its owners and the tenants including the enveoys must know their legal limitations.

TJRC is originally ours and we won’t modify to please global bullies, NEVER. The Friday cabinet meeting will be used to drive the point home and leave pretenders to power holding the political bathtub without the baby. NA BADO.

Kiplagat: River of Deceptive Stream of Tears

So the Truth, Justice and Reconciliation commission has been sworn in and lucrative jobs created for its members. Well, the words spelling TJRC is what we lack in abundance and the commissioners will dutifully help expand dearth of the same.

We are a country whose citizens collective live beautiful lies. Here we are shamelessly talking of truth while telling destructive lies in denying that nothing happened. I guess in our blind pursuit to expand egos we have to self-destruct completely so that a new Kenya can sprout from the fertile rivers of blood.

We know the cause of the present problems but dare not delve into them. Instead we are busy with platitudes discussing the effects of the same monster we created in silence. Add that to the deceptive nature of choosing the commissioners and you complete a picture created exclusively to buy time and whitewash.

We are a country allergic to facing the truth itself. What is more, we opt for numerous commissions to buy time and wish away challenges. We shamelessly form commissions to investigate domestic matters of the president at taxpayer’s expense. We are so creative at serving selfish interests so much so that we cleverly scheme to fix political opponents using smartly packaged state apparatus.

Hawking peace, diplomatic CV
The present South Africa may have been defined by its TJRC. While we shamelessly cut-and-paste any foreign concept to create a pretence of motion with no intention to move, we have formed a TJRC with no clear cut structure or objective. The Kiplagat commission is just another opportunity to draw handsome remuneration at the expense of suffering Kenyans.

SA had Tutu as a symbol of unadulterated integrity. In Kenya we have already seen crocodile tears from a person charged with the mandate to steer a kleenex commission already leading by example with streams of plastic tears.

Kenyans are so good at hawking deceptive diplomatic and peace-making CVs. Just ask Sudan and Somali delegates of the hollowness and arm twisting these diplomats visited upon them.

Bethwel Kiplagat was Ouko’s PS when he was butchered and his loud silence spoke volumes as a passive accomplice in the heinous crime. Add that to Justice Minister’s glittering CV as a personal lawyer to a kleptocrat and you get a pair that aptly epitomizes the collective lie Kenyans love to live.

Hilary Clinton Keep Off, Kenya is Sovereign

By marshaling thee hitherto divided cabinet to unanimously endorse no Hague no local tribunal, President Kibaki has shown unique leadership from front and example. Hilary Clinton must know that Kenya is sovereign and stop spreading Obama’s lies that we are corrupt.

Acts of neocolonialism as propagated by Human Rights Watch must be resisted at all costs and with all might. The international NGO HRW is trying to sneak in Professor Alston’s hatred for Wako and Major Ali. We saw it before and rejected their innuendos and we will reject it again.

Wako is Kenya’s longest serving AG and with his impressive global CV, Kibaki couldn’t ask for a more able legal mind with a permanent smile to match. We know our murderers and we are well placed to deal with them without Ocampo's theatrics. We cannot afford to indignity of hanging a future president out to dry.

Obama must stop visiting shame upon us via catapult. He snubbed us last month and Clinton must not assume the proxy role to insult our national pride. Let Jonnie Carson go nostalgic and visit the Mara. Shame on Speaker Marende for inviting foreigners to help us solve problems we have lived comfortably with since independence and more so after the unfortunate 2007 election.

There are numerous ways of skinning a cat and provided you don’t sit on it hence risking lethal claws on your rear side, the job’s end justifies the means. Smart President Kibaki and the cabinet outwitted hostile MPs by showing the mob who the boss is. The rest of Kenyans must learn to take five course meal marinated in obtuse contempt. It never constipates.

From The Archives: Kumekucha Classic

special weekend edition classic kumekucha throwback from the archives

7 Things That Will Happen To Kenya If Kibaki Is Re-elected

Most Kenyans are like the proverbial Ostrich that when faced with a rapidly approaching forest fire, prefers to bury its' head in the sand and hope that the fire will just go away.

The rapidly approaching "fire" is the re-election of President Mwai Kibaki for a second term. Kenyans are well able to stop this happening, especially the young people of Kenya who just need to unite and speak in one voice.

There are even those Kenyans who feel that a Kibaki re-election may not be such a bad thing after all. The feel that the economy has recovered and is growing at unprecedented levels and Kanu is out of power.

The facts on the ground are a little different. One thing in particular that Kenyans have failed to see to see, or feel the effects of, is the so-called economic growth. I tend to agree with the economist's view that I feel is very close to the truth that points in a different direction for the answers to the current so-called strength of the Kenyan economy. It is believed that Kenyans who are now scattered all over the world have been sending money back home for investment and upkeep at unprecedented levels which has kept the Kenyan shilling very strong and cushioned the economy against current adverse effects like that of rising world oil prices

. Apart from that the economic miracle of the Kibaki government is a mirage at best and a bad tasteless joke at worse.

Whatever your opinion may be, here is what Kenyans should expect from a Mwai Kibaki Re-election victory in 2007;

i) Disaster And Civil Unrest On A Massive Scale: Continuation of the current policies that ignore the plight of the majority of ordinary Kenyans especially in the area of job creation (the position of the Kibaki administration: Interest rates are low and banks are now eager to lend, why don't the penniless get working, go to the nearest bank and borrow money to start a business?). This administration believes that the Constituency Development Fund is enough to cater for the millions of Kenyans now living below the poverty line. This is a terrible mistake because this is a time bomb that will surely go off. We have already seen some tiny explosions in terms of rising levels of crime that are overwhelming the better equipped and much larger police force we have today. This big time bomb is bound to go off within a year of President Kibaki's re-election. Only a brand new administration headed by a new younger generation of Kenyans, preferably non-golf playing individuals, have any hope of seeing and addressing this priority with the urgency it deserves. It would also help if at least a few influential faces in such a new administration have used a pit latrine recently.

ii) More Commissions Of Inquiry: If you thought Moi had overused commissions of inquiry, then President Kibaki has taken them to new heights. He is now spending taxpayers money to constitute commissions of inquiry to probe members of his own immediate family. Something that can be sorted out in a 10-minute family meeting one lazy Sunday afternoon long before even the public gets wind of it, now takes up public funds and the valuable time of public officers. How else would one view the Artur's saga?

For the uninformed, commissions of inquiry are never meant to get to the bottom of anything. The idea is to be seen to be doing something while time passes so that people forget about the thorny issue at hand. Name one commission of inquiry in Kenya that has produced results to date.

Expect many more commissions of inquiry in a second Kibaki administration and no real solid action.

iii) Dozing off during cabinet meetings. The President will be 76 next year. By the time he completes his second term he will be 81 years old. Surely, let reason prevail as you answer this question. Is this the right age to deal with the problems facing the world today, let alone the problems facing most Kenyans that need radical new ideas to tackle?

The Vice President is the President's age-mate and then there is defense minister Njenga Karume. Those who are familiar with folks this age, please answer the following question; What are the odds of this cabinet staying awake and alert through a 30 minute cabinet meeting (no cabinet meeting is that short)?

iv) More Youth Funds Special funds are usually set up to help people who can otherwise not help themselves. Refugees, widows orphans etc. When a fund is set up to help the people who should be the most active in the economy of a country, then you know that there is something very wrong. In a second Kibaki administration expect the same policies that make Kenyans refugees and less fortunate in their own country so that more youth funds will be constituted to be administered by the same politicians who are experienced in handling funds like in the Goldenberg saga and Anglo Leasing affair.

v) Meanwhile Current Crop of youth leaders are growing old By the time the next elections come in 2012, Kenyans born at independence in 1963 will be approaching 50, 5 years away from the usual retirement age of 55. Is that the right time to hand over leadership to them? Mwai Kibaki joined the cabinet when he was 28 years old. He wants to leave when he is 81. Somebody help me make sense out of this.

vi) More Anglo Leasings And More Goldenbergs The financial scandals never end. There are those Kenyans who believe that because they are being exposed, somehow they will stop. Did you hear about the recent scandal where Cabinet Minister Njenga Karume sold land that he could not previously sell to the government. This administration says there is nothing wrong and everything was above board. Expect many more deals between senior influential cabinet ministers and the government that are "transparent and above board".

vii) We Will always do things the way they were done in the 60s So you are excited about the information age and what modern technology is capable of? And maybe you see it being put to good use to improve the lot of Kenyans? Forget it. Have you tried to talk to a person over 60 years of age recently? They see things very differently, the way they have always been since the swinging 60s. But Osama Bin Laden didn't exist then and neither were automatic weapons so easy to acquire for use in a crime. A second Kibaki term will be quite similar to this first one, a field day for wazee hukumbuka buffs, disaster for the nation.

If you are reading this and you still intend to play Ostrich or believe that there is nothing wrong with a second Kibaki term, then I have only one last thing left to say to you…

Will the last person leaving Kenya remember to switch off the lights…

Chris

The Hague Watch: Impunity Seeking Immunity

Nothing exemplifies a failed state better than a fractious cabinet. Here we have one theoretical cabinet with three camps of preferences: The Hague, local tribunal with powers to try anyone (read no sacred cows/immunity) and the latest kid on the block TJRC. It couldn’t get any spicier.

Impunity begets nothing but more impunity. We sowed it and must reap the bloody fruits. The three options clearly indicate the variants of selfish interest each group prefers with the intention of fixing perceived and real political opponents. The NOBODY-MOVES-NOBODY-GETS-HURT mentality is a selfishly smart scheme with all eyes singularly trained on magical 2012. Power to the moneyed.

Going in circles only succeed in making you dizzy. So now we are back to where Annan left us by declaring that the government is committed to undertaking ACCELERATED and far-reaching reforms as spelt out in Agenda Four. Play another original tune please!

The present costly pretence amounts to motions with no intention to cause any movement. We can as well enjoy the beauty of every floor on our way down from the top oblivious of the hard pavement (read 2012) waiting to crack our collective skull. Make no mistake January 2013 will be bloody and messy.

Only scoundrels seek complicated solutions to simple problems. The creators of 2007 mess wont own up neither will they give up. They had a mission they have to accomplish and no amount of pressure or blood will make them halt. And they have cleverly roped us in when we now join them in discussing the effects with no mention of the CAUSE.

Impunity-immunity tango dance
Living a national lie may never kill but the cost is incalculable. Give it to President Kibaki in leading from the front when he reprimands nosy journalist by shamelessly declaring that nobody has abandon the pursuit of local tribunal because that imagining was never created in the first place.

The standards of ICC are very clear. The present circular games will no wash. Whether we go local tribunal or Hague, the bar is raised and seekers of immunity and power of clemency have no place to hide. The guilty are afraid and who is scared to being stripped of immunity?

Mutula promised one Moreno Ocampo that Kenya will set up a credible judicial mechanism. What is more, the High Court option peddled by the cabinet is outside Waki’s recommendations of the Waki Commission. Both ways the noose is tightening and the dithering only succeeds in massaging egos.

Once you lose the moral authority, you never regain with fiat or bravado. The cabinet is rudderless and they know it. The fractious bunch are only fooling themsleves in attempt to circumvent an equally hostile parliament.

In the meantime the clock is ticking fast and furiously to 2012. Ole wetu, NA BADO.

Hague Express Watch:Migingo Going To Court

International court season is here in full swing.The corridors of justice in Netherlands never anticipated they would be this busy playing host to contingents of East Africans seeking to settle human rights and real estate disputes all in the same year.

Now that Uganda is going to the Hague because of us, Kenya will be making a second appearance at the International Courts this time on the grounds of being a bad neighbour reneging on a joint survey agreement with our East African brothers. Hague prosecutors will happily switch sides both for and against Kenya depending on whether post election violence trials or Kenya v Uganda lands first in the docket

Political Mileage
Contrary documentation not withstanding, the populist remark made by President Kibaki during his Narc-nostalgic magic tour of Nyanza last week has shown the landlocked relative that Kenya is finally ready to lead from the front and by example on the unresolved matter of the island's true ownership even if the statement made was only for extra political mileage

The appointed Ugandan survey team has to be forgiven for postponing the start of the joint exercise to seek further consultations beforehand while the Kenyan team went ahead and made a start on the same assuming that such an important survey would have to have a preliminarily report carried out before the main course begun

Kenyans ever increasing faith in the Hague as the just and independent arbiter to help resolve disputes future is set to get a further big boost with this latest twist in the two countries ownership disagreement.

Never underestimate the power of FISH sourced fresh from Migingo and served under tent in Bondo. Yote Yawezekana na Hague in all her shades, border disputes and ICC.

Ruto’s U-turn: Mau Pressure Hits Critical Mass

Arap Ruto must have seen it coming. The mob ganging against him was growing bigger by the day and he was destined to go only one direction, down. But given his numerous somersaults this July he didn’t mind joining the choir ordering settlers of Mau out.

And the present Mau heat has engaged creative conspiracy theories from overtly political Kenyans. While some are now begrudgingly supporting Raila’s resolve to solve Mau no matter the political cost, other are gleefully crafting his political eulogy.

The Mau crisis provides a platform to prove true leadership. We can now compare and contrast doers and fence sitters who wake up from their slumberland only to fire a junior purchasing officer for cheap buy PR on expensive limos.

You have to give the devil his dues when Ntimama comes out unequivocally and declares that Mau must be conserved at whatever cost, political or otherwise.

Devil's dues
True Kenyan style we are comfortable playing politics with such grave issues that will only bequeath desert to our future generation. Expect more fireworks from the fractious cabinet tomorrow.

Shameless extortionists will continue demanding their last pound of political flesh. In the mix are marinated tribal alliances that leave all here waxing like original pundits.

The heat may intensify and acquirer a different colour when Jomo Junior arrives in town from the US. His press release was a tip of a massive iceberg. He knows his boss is a sitting duck without feathers and contradicting can as well be the default mode to advance moribund KK alliance. Na bado.

Mau and Hague Kicks Massive Political Storm

No surprises every Kenyan has all over a sudden turned into an opinionated environmentalist. That is typical Kenyan modus operandi of waxing knowledgeable and patriotic when expedient.

Granted, there is no doubt Mau destruction is more than a crisis. The encroachment never stated yesterday but the concern heightened when the effects hit us home and hard in our kitchens and bathrooms.

Poor Mau settlers are just pawns caught in the political cross hairs. Moi was not smart enough to buy elite political support by auctioning Kenya. Instead he settled for basic indivisible need of survival - peasantry.

Following Moi’s whistle, the vultures landed in Mau scavenging for every arable carcass. They curved choicest large pieces for themselves which they registered under phantom companies. In the meantime token parcels were dished out to the real settlers to create a resemblance of equity and honesty.

The ruinous Moi would have known better investment in lucrative business with the state and Arabs. Grabbing Grand Regency at least leaves water flowing in Nairobi taps. Now with the poisonous effects of past impunity hitting our taps, the pain if personal and all the fake environmentalists are all out of the woodwork foaming at the mouth.

Rotten head down
With our shameless penchant to live collective national lies, we conveniently fail to read the REAL POLITCS masked in the present Mau debate. Forget the Bondo fish lunch that only succeeded in expanding political egos in effort cool the Hague heat.

We respectfully flagged the free fall in 2007 and Kenya will never be the same again. The cabinet is dutifully pulling in opposite direction secure in the knowledge the edifice is rotten from the head down.

Ours is doublespeak immortalized. While on one hand people are waxing triumphant on new tribal alliances, Ruto cannot afford to exploit the MORALLESS and fractious government to advance his selfish political schemes. He is only doing exactly just like the others by fighting tooth and nail to retain his tribal lordship tag.

Nobody knows much about land in Kenya than the DPM Uhuru Kenyatta and he made it known all the way from US where he is on official duty. He couldn’t wait to strike it hot by reminding all and sundry about compensation. Speak of wolves drafting constitution to govern herd of goats.

And UK is in good company. The measured, peaceful and God-fearing VP joined the campaign calling for full compensation of settlers relocated from Mau Forest. Any politician will be left salivating at the Rift Valley vote basket no matter the price. Game 2012 is on.

Something Important Happened in Bondo...So Do We still Need The Hague?

That lunch was good. When Ida's food is on the table, you always wanna be there.

But it wasn't the lunch that was important. It was the fact that it took place deep in Luo Nyanza. The easy and cordial atmosphere within which it took place made it even more significant. But again, all those will mean nothing if that critical gesture by Raila is not reciprocated by Kibaki and the community he comes from.

Admittedly, it will largely be upon Raila to woo the Kikuyu community, make that community comfortable with his style of leadership and temperament. But it will also be up to the Kikuyu to watch Raila's steps and evaluate soberly whether he is someone they can vote for and eventually support his presidency. The past, where he was dismissed merely because he didn't come from the House of Mumbi, should firmly be behind us. That is why I think something important happened in Bondo. I think a new chapter, one that must be guarded by our brothers from the Lake and those from the Hill, was opened.

So what's the way forward?

Mau Forest

Just last week I lamented the fact that Raila seemed to be the only one concerned about the Mau. It seemed like a set up. To hear Kibaki come out resolutely about the Mau was truly refreshing. And though Michuki's colonial style approach to issues sometimes scares the hell out of me, I agree with him that there can be no backing down on this critical matter. Let the government find a humane but firm way to move those who occupy that zone. Ruto and company must be told in no uncertain terms that we will not tie a noose around our necks for political expediency.

The Hague

This is where Raila and Kibaki are still on the wrong side of an issue. By a wide margin, the Kenyans who want perpetrators and enablers of the post-poll violence tried at the Hague have spoken. What Kenyans are saying is that we have no faith in the Gicheru-led Judiciary. And not only that. We also have no faith in our other institutions as presently constituted. Does that mean we will forever be skeptical of these institutions? By no means. It means when they are streamlined and can act with credibility, we will have faith in them again. So let the camaraderie that started in Bondo, and must spread through the nation, not blind us. We must punish those among us who committed acts that led to massive deaths. That's why the Hague is the choice of most Kenyans to accomplish this goal.

The TJRC

I would have dismissed this thing as a waste of time, but something tells me it may end up doing some good if given a chance. With the humility of a man who understands the fragile nature of his past, Ambassador Kiplagat has asked Kenyans to support his team. I will do so for now. In the long run it may turn out that this TJRC thing is a waste of everybody's time. When that time comes, the support Kenyans may give it will slowly erode. What I find curious is this habit of always dismissing people, calling them names when they are appointed. Can Muite show us a Kenyan without blemish so we can appoint them? Can Koigi show us such a woman? We've all done things that we wish we never did in the past. If Ambassador Kiplagat learned from his mistake and past associations and wants to use his experience to heal this nation...give the man a chance.

Migingo

The President finally came out and declared that Migingo belongs to Kenya. He couldn't have picked a better venue to make this dramatic statement. With those few words, what President Kibaki did was tell the folks from his Prime Minister's backyard that he listens to their concerns. Since this matter has not been resolved with Uganda yet, it helps to know that the commander-in-chief will do whatever it takes to protect the sovereignty of Kenya.

Does this Mean We've Turned a Corner?

Folks, how we handle ourselves from now on will largely determine whether a corner has been turned or not. Relations are nurtured, they don't just happen. So let's give the TJRC a chance, let the Hague punish the evildoers, let the President and Prime Minister take their friendship from Bondo to every corner of this nation, and let's worry about the Kenya we turn over to our kids by taking care of the Mau Forest situation. Should we do this...and fix that colonial constitution that perpetually fails to protect our collective interests...I'll say we've turned a corner.

And it will be said Kenya was reborn in Bondo.

How sweet!

Kibaki-Raila's Lunch: Eating Cooked Goose

The two principals are walking the talk. Wait a minute, whose talk? We have seen it before and only in Kenya where memory goes comatose at the sight of tribal alliances. Raila should count his stars that he managed to pull Kibaki when Muthaura was recuperating.

These two guys are simply preying onto Narc's nostalgic magic. Well, Narc came with the same goodwill until the real power barons redefined the parameters. Serial liars have no shame and woe unto Raila if he buys into an empty shell. All the photo opportunities will head straight to the archives once the realpolitik begins.

Narc nostalgia
Fish maybe a nutritious menu for lunch but it has no political value. Kibaki just wanted to sample fresh fish caught in Migingo Island. All else is predictable melodrama that will only succeed in opening and sheering raw political wounds.

It is one thing to create an impression of leadership by example and from in front, but quite another to fool yourself with fake friendship premised exclusively on expediency. So here we are being impressed upon to embrace a dusted old trick packaged as new dawn while the cabinet meant to formulate governance agenda is pulling in different directions.

Only in Kenya can serial liars hope to attain different results from same cheap tricks. Meanwhile tuvumilie kuwa Wakenya.

Kibaki: Migingo is Kenya’s Policed by Uganda

Kenyans must learn to take President Kibaki seriously. Now that they have forced Kibaki to declare Migingo as belonging to Kenya, they must stop whining about the one acre WASTELAND. Kibaki came to Nyanza for more weighty business and reducing him to commenting of some rocky patch was a waste of his Excellency’s time.

And in forcing Kibaki’s hand, Migingo fishermen must brace themselves for a prompt reaction from Museveni whose police suffocate the island. We are good neighbours and must learn to share resources. Gifting landlocked Uganda with one acre won’t diminish our national sovereignty or pride.

Reading Kenyans Soon Leading Themselves

Whoever said if you want to hide anything from an African put it in a book has got another thing coming to them. For a long time Kenyans were thought to be afraid of what lies between book covers. However a recent survey published in a local daily reveals we are fearless readers not afraid of consuming but of acquiring knowledge.Kenya National Libraries may do well to increase the number of local libraries but kudos to kenyans for embracing reading culture outside formal education

A person who never went to school has innate natural intelligence and though books can be expensive there's more than one way to skin a cat.Our newspapers are just as good a place to start and widespread distribution of national publications ensures everybody is on the same page. As for our newspapers never mind propaganda wars labelling certain media houses sensationalist and others ethnically biased. The fact is no longer dealing with an illiterate population makes it harder for governments to pull the wool over people's eyes.the level of public awareness is increasing and has never been higher.

The average mwananchi is miles ahead of extinct dinosaurual leadership and this situation is troubling for woolly leadership continuosly incensed by the sharp awakening of a public which no longer accepts to be thought or spoken for.readers are indeed leaders and soon reading Kenyans will be firmly leading this country for themselves the way its supposed to be