Because of the Evil Monster Called 2012…

...Prepare for Tobiko as DPP mupende musipende… Mutado?

...Prepare to exchange the US Dollar At Kshs 100

I know this girl who loves to watch horror movies. The more horrifying the better. Some of the stuff she watches is capable of giving me nightmares but to her it is all entertainment. Geez!! Fascinatingly the contradiction is that she cannot leave the room alone just to go to the next room.
Now there is a really terrifying monster emerging on the Kenyan political scene who is already causing nightmares and untold terror. The bad news is that the worst is yet to come. That monster is called 2012.

Horror scene number One…
Is set to unfold this afternoon in parliament when the august house will vote unanimously for one Keriako Tobiko to be the first DPP under the new constitution. A man who has a big huge question mark over his life starting with a land deal that has forgery and impunity written all over it. A man who has been instrumental in making Goldenberg and Anglo Leasing go away.

Yesterday I could not believe my ears and my eyes when one Charity Ngilu filled the TV screen to tell Kenyans that “the best choice” in the entire republic for this job was Tobiko. If it was possible to rewind TV news I know there are many many Kenyans who would have rewinded that particular clip to be sure of what they were hearing.

But then we have discussed this issue here in Kumekucha at length over the last few days. We know that ODM and one Raila Odinga need the Maasai and Samburu vote very badly as 2012 looms large in the background. Raila must be president come 2012 so who cares if Tobiko is corrupt? Who gives a sh** if the man’s middle name is “injustice and impunity”? Raila MUST BE PRESIDENT!!! Everything else comes second. Yep including the rights of downtrodden Kenyans who have lived under a justice system that has crashed them and their rights under it’s foot. A selective justice system that asks’ “who are you in society” before it can prosecute.

Watch this horror movie at a TV screen near you starting from around 2:30PM (Kenyan time) this afternoon.

Horror scene number two…
The 2012 elections will need unprecedented amounts of cash for those who own Kenya to push through their agenda. And yet it is becoming increasingly difficult to raise cash in the old days with a very hawk-eyed public. Make no mistake, stealing is still going on even as the small fish make appearances in court. The godfathers just pick new pawns and continue to steal. But I am talking about huge amounts of cash. The kind of money that turns the tide in an election.

Keep that thought at the back of your mind for a minute as we examine the strange behaviour of the Kenya shilling.

Experts know that the shilling has been faced with a much worse scenario than the current situation. Remember the January 2008 crisis and post election violence. That is precisely the time that we should have seen a free fall of the shilling. But strangely enough the local currency held strong amid the chaos. I mean those chaos were so serious that we were just days away from a complete shut down of the republic of Kenya.

Now a few traders prepare to import some maize and the shilling sinks to it’s lowest levels in history. A Kshs 90/- dollar is just round the corner and analysts are advising their clients to prepare for a Kshs 100/- dollar and the full consequences. I have talked to various respectable analysts and all them have rubbished the reasons we are seeing in the newspapers for this. They tell me that the government of Kenya seems to be secretly pursuing a policy of devaluation. But why? And this is the worst time to do this because of the untold suffering to ordinary Kenyans that is bound to result. The answer is simple. Some deals need to be made and some cash raised. Who gives a sh** about ordinary Kenyans? Of course it is important for the political class to make the right noises and talk about the suffering of ordinary Kenyans. But talk is pretty cheap. The priority now is that cash MUST be raised for 2012.

Watch this horror movie unfold in Kenya over the next few weeks and months. The woman called Kenya should just prepare to be raped by those who are supossed to protect her from the heinous assault... and I am NOT joking.

P.S. What will happen is that the shilling will be in a free fall until the 2012 deal is complete. Then it will quickly and mysteriously recover. Prepare for the comedy of errors soon after as experts will give us all kinds of explanations as to why the shilling recovered so suddenly and so quickly.

Update: Parliament predictably approved all 3 appointments amending the motion to bypass the recomendation by the parliamentary commitee to investigate further the issues raised against Keriako Tobiko. I agree with what a few members said on the floor to the effect that ignoring the recomendations to investigate Tobiko will not help him but rather bring him to office with a lot of buggage weighing him down. Time will tell.

What is Moi's most guarded secret?

Earlier articles on Tobiko
Storm gathering fast over Tobiko debate

The dirt on Tobiko and why parliament must reject his nomination

Latest Nigerian Con Trick: Baby Factory

Our Nigerian “Brodas” are world famous for their creativity but a scheme recently unearthed at the beginning of this month has left many Kenyans numb with shock.

Somebody set up a factory and kidnapped girls between the ages of 15 and 17 and then got them pregnant and kept them captive until they gave birth. They were then paid off 25,000 Naira Kshs (14411.90) for a baby girl and 30,000 Naira (Kshs 17294.28) for a boy and told to get lost. The babies were then sold to desperate childless couples and to cults for sacrificing at prices of up to US$ 6,400 (Kshs 569,600) per unit.

Just calculate the profits this sick business idea was generating.

And that’s not all, the owner of the “factory” was a medical doctor. The Abia State Police arrested the proprietor of the organization known as Cross Foundation, Dr Hycinth Orikara and rescued at least 32 young expectant teenagers.

I have no words.

But on a funnier note the Standard newspaper’s Crazy Monday edition recently carried the following true story. I have not stopped laughing for the last 8 hours or so….

Man fakes suicide to woo back girlfriend

A man recently shocked his age mates in Tetu, Nyeri County, when he 'took poison' after his fiancée abandoned him in a matatu terminus.

The man had traveled with the woman from Nairobi to introduce her to his parents in Njoguini village.

But when the couple arrived in Nyeri town, the woman disappeared and could not be traced until the following day when she called to say she had decided to return to Nairobi.

The two met about six months ago during a family gathering at Nyahururu, where he was employed as a shamba boy. They had been communicating over mobile phone .

They then decided to visit the man’s family and declare their intension to marry. The man travelled to Nairobi to pick the woman. They shopped for items in Nyeri before boarding a matatu.

As the vehicle waited for more passengers, he excused himself to buy some items he had forgotten. When he went back, the girl was missing.

"He was assisted by matatu operators to search for her in vain," said a source.
The woman’s mobile phone was switched off.

He travelled to his rural home alone and informed his parents about the mysterious disappearance. At noon the following day, he received a phone call from the woman.

"She told him she did not want to be associated with him and they were mere friends," his friend told Crazy Monday.

Shocked, he picked some acaracides from the store and spilled it into a pit latrine and then raised alarm that he had consumed poison. His mother screamed attracting neighbours. Villagers hired a taxi to take him to a nearby hospital where he was admitted.

He pretended to be unconscious as medical personnel treated him.

He was still ‘unconscious’ by the third day in hospital. By the bedside, his mother asked friends to search for the woman’s number. At that moment, the man raised his voice saying, "Ndi nayo. Ni 0728... (I have the number. It is...)", he said and then went mute.

Efforts to call the woman were fruitless, since the mobile phone was switched off.
His friends talked to him and he revealed he lied about consuming poison to woo the woman back.

"He was later discharged and slapped with a bill of Sh60,000. It was hectic getting the money," said a source involved in raising the funds.

What is Moi's most guarded secret?