101 Immigration Excuses That A Kenyan Can Use To Avoid Deportation From The US

My heart goes out to all those noble Kenyans living in the United States illegally, thanks mainly to the fact that Kenyans have never been able to sort out their politics at home so as to create enough opportunities within the borders of our beautiful country for our people.

But it is also this noble group that has been partly responsible for making Mwai Kibaki look like a hero who turned around the Kenyan economy instead of the President under whose watch Anglo Leasing happened (the latest is that investigations are ongoing and are expected to be completed by the year 2050 or 2060… or 2070 at the very latest).

The truth is that mostly these illegal immigrants have worked like crazy and remitted billions of dollars back home for various personal development projects. The effect of this has been to buoy the Kenyan shilling like never before against major foreign currencies like the dollar. The government has never announced it but remittances by Kenyans overseas are now the number one foreign exchange earner beating tourism to second place by about 2 billion shillings.

But I digress.

A recent case where a fascinating defense was put against deportation by a Kenyan couple has given me a brilliant idea for a new book that will carry the title above. The Kenyan woman in the case has put up a spirited defense for the couple against deportation on the grounds that being returned to Kenya would expose her to a "well founded fear of persecution." Which in this case is FGM (female genital mutilation). Yep, female circumcision. The Kenyan lady who hails from the Kalenjin community told the court that she risked being forcibly circumcised by relatives and friends on returning to Kenya.

Now this has gotten me thinking and I am currently compiling a list of 101 immigration excuses to help avoid deportation from the US. So far my tentative list includes the following;

i) Forced FGM

ii) Dangers of being carjacked and killed in crime-prone Nairobi mainly for having an American accent which is supposed to mean that you have lots of dollars on you.

iii) Dangers of being kidnapped and robbed by your own starving jobless family members at the airport in a country where officially the economy is supposed to be growing at a rate that is close to that of China.

iv) Danger of being robbed and your wife raped at gun-point by relatives of the woman you used to stay with in Kenya over your re-marrying in the United States. Here you can quote the widely publicized case of Ngugi Wa Thiongo

v) Political persecution that has already been threatened by Michuki (remember the statement on "brog forums and FM stations" that were asked to tone down or else?) over the political blog you have been writing from the safe distance of the United States.

vi) If you are a Kyuk, fear of persecution from a possible ODM-Kenya Raila government caused by past sins of the Kikuyu against the Luo in Kenya.

vii) Real possibilities of starving to death in Nairobi because your current "profession" of bathing senior citizens in some home does not exist in Kenya which seems to have a 99.9 per cent unemployment rate.

viii) Fear over your life because you have announced in your blog (do not mention to the court the fact that traffic to your blog stands at about 2 unique visitors per week) that you might stand for president of Kenya and aides to President Mwai Kibaki shake in their boots when they hear your name being associated with running for the presidency.

ix) If you are a Luo male, fear of forcible circumcision, which is against your culture by rowdy matatu touts sent by your political enemies (Do not mention to the court under any circumstances that you are actually already circumcised and you did it to win the love of one Susan Njeeri Karanja of Texas).

x) Possible attack by Islamic court extremists who have sneaked into Kenya from Somalia after the recent invasion of that country by US backed Ethiopian troops. You would especially be vulnerable because you actually lived in the "country of the infidels" and must have therefore been recruited as a CIA agent.

xi) Real danger of murder from all those relatives in Kenya you never sent money to while you were in the US. The common belief amongst Kenyans is that dollars literally grow on a tree near you right across America and that is why Raila and Kalonzo are always rushing back to the US when they run out of campaign funds.

Other ideas are welcome. Just bear in mind that the Supreme court has explained that a fear of persecution may be "well founded" even when there is less than a 50 per cent chance that the act of persecution will take place. I am desperately trying to beat a deadline to have the book out and on sale by this summer.

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Liar, Liar, Ngilu Screams At Kibaki as Head of State Disowns 2002 MOU

Health minister Charity Kaluki Ngilu is well known for her unpredictability but she is also known for speaking the truth and putting to shame both the devil and senior politicians allied to president Kibaki.

Last week she confirmed what the majority of Kenyans already know. That prior to the 2002 elections, Kibaki agreed with the top brass of NARC that he would serve only one term then step down to allow the late Wamalwa Kijana have a shot at the presidency.

Ngilu knows what she is talking about considering that the Narc alliance started with her, Kibaki and Wamalwa long before the others joined (including George "Goldenberg" Saitoti) ahead of the historical 2002 elections, which saw Kanu lose after ruling Kenya since independence in 1963.

Kibaki has insisted he was never involved in such an agreement and we will therefore seek re-election later this year. If he loses heavily as pundits are predicting, then one of the reasons will have to be because of his dishonesty. Sincerely, how can Kenyans trust a person who trashes an MOU and then goes on to lie about it.

Ngilu has been a thorn in the Kibaki administration ever since 2003 and has openly criticized the government she serves accusing it of tribalism, corruption and even nepotism but has never contemplated resigning and instead opted to fight from within. About the tribalism bit, in condemning it Ngilu seems to have also indulged heavily in it herself. One just needs to look at her list of appointees in the health Ministry—it reads like a who-is-who in Ukambani. Perhaps except for just one prominent non-Kamba name. That of one Tony Gachoka.

Gachoka is said to be Ngilu's secret lover and last year the pair were caught in a compromising position at the Parklands sports club car park in the back seat of Ngilu's Mercedes Benz. The poor watchman who caught the prominent couple was told off by Tony Gachoka whom it is claimed emerged from the vehicle zipping his pants and in a drunken stupor, ordering the guard to vanish and keep his mouth shut for his own good. Apparently, the guard did not keep his mouth shut and reported the matter to club authorities who withdrew Gachoka's membership for 'unacceptable behavior' to the chagrin of Ngilu who chose not to use her clout as a cabinet minister to interfere in the matter, for obvious reasons.

The two lovebirds have been so consistent with each other with Gachoka benefiting in a big way by securing a lucrative contract at the health ministry to ironically publicize an HIV/AIDS program on behalf of the government.

It was late last year that Gachoka joined ODM and toured central province with Raila Odinga in a futile bid to convince the Kikuyu to join the movement and abandon Narc-Kenya. He later declared interest to contest the Kamukunji parliamentary seat in the forthcoming elections.

If his influence on Ngilu extends to politics, it is just a matter of time before the health minister joins ODM but again, Ngilu treads cautiously on Raila's grounds and hardly trusts the maverick Lang'ata legislator.

The lady from Mbooni Machakos but who got married in Kitui has another option of forming a third force with like minded politicians like Musikari Kombo and those who will later break away from ODM after the nominations.

But being as unpredictable as they come, Ngilu could as well stay put with Kibaki and
strike a deal whereby she could be rewarded with a lot more besides a cabinet post if Narc-Kenya wins. She will however be well advised to note that history seems to suggest that its better to deal with the devil than with Kibaki when it comes to cutting pre-election deals.

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