Why I walked away from Christianity and why I came back

 

Faith is a journey, not a destination. For many, that journey includes twists and turns, moments of doubt, and even seasons of walking away. My own story is one of leaving Christianity, only to return with a deeper understanding of grace, truth, and the relentless love of God.

The Beginning: A Faith Built on Expectations

I grew up in a Christian home, immersed in the rituals and rhythms of faith. Sunday mornings were for church, Wednesday evenings for Bible study, and prayer punctuated nearly every family gathering. Christianity wasn’t just a belief system—it was my identity.

But looking back, my faith was built more on expectations than experience. I followed the rules because that’s what I was taught. I believed in God because it was the norm in my community. Yet, my faith lacked a personal connection.

The Cracks Begin to Show

As I grew older, the cracks in my faith began to appear. College introduced me to a world of diverse perspectives and challenging questions. Why would a loving God allow so much suffering? How could the Bible, written thousands of years ago, still be relevant today? Why did Christians sometimes act in ways that seemed anything but Christlike?

At the same time, personal struggles made me question God’s goodness. Prayers went unanswered, loved ones passed away, and I faced failures that shook my confidence. If God was real, why did He seem so silent?

Doubt became a constant companion, and over time, I stopped praying, stopped reading the Bible, and eventually stopped attending church. I told myself I was done with Christianity.

Life Without Faith

Walking away from Christianity felt liberating at first. No more rules, no more guilt, no more trying to measure up to an impossible standard. But over time, the freedom I thought I had found began to feel empty.

Without faith, life felt unmoored. Questions about purpose and meaning loomed larger than ever. Successes felt hollow, and failures felt final. Deep down, I missed the sense of hope and belonging that faith had once given me.

The Turning Point

My journey back to Christianity wasn’t dramatic. There was no lightning bolt moment or audible voice from heaven. Instead, it was a slow, quiet process, marked by small but significant encounters.

It began with a conversation. A friend who knew about my struggles listened without judgment and shared their own story of doubt and faith. They didn’t have all the answers, but their honesty and compassion reminded me that faith doesn’t require certainty—just trust.

Then came a book. I stumbled upon C.S. Lewis’s Mere Christianity and was struck by its clarity and logic. Lewis didn’t shy away from hard questions, but he also presented a vision of Christianity that was intellectually satisfying and spiritually compelling.

Finally, there was a moment of prayer. One night, in a moment of desperation, I cried out to God—not expecting an answer, but needing to say the words. To my surprise, I felt a sense of peace, as if God had been waiting patiently for me to turn back to Him.

What I Found When I Returned

Coming back to Christianity didn’t mean all my questions were answered or all my problems were solved. But it did mean finding a foundation to stand on, a hope to hold onto, and a love that didn’t depend on my performance.

I realized that faith isn’t about having everything figured out—it’s about trusting God in the midst of uncertainty. It’s not about being perfect—it’s about being honest. And it’s not about earning God’s love—it’s about accepting the love He’s already given.

Lessons from the Journey

Walking away from Christianity taught me a lot about myself and about God. Here are some of the lessons I’ve learned:

1. Doubt Is Not the Enemy

Doubt can feel like the opposite of faith, but it’s often the doorway to a deeper understanding. God isn’t afraid of our questions, and wrestling with doubt can lead to a more authentic and mature faith.

2. Faith Is Relational, Not Transactional

For years, I treated Christianity like a checklist: pray, read the Bible, go to church, and God will bless you. But faith is not a transaction—it’s a relationship. And like any relationship, it requires honesty, vulnerability, and commitment.

3. God’s Love Is Relentless

Even when I walked away, God never did. His love pursued me through conversations, books, and quiet moments of prayer. It’s a love that doesn’t let go, even when we try to run from it.

4. The Church Is Imperfect—but Necessary

One of the reasons I left Christianity was because of the hypocrisy I saw in the church. But I’ve come to realize that the church isn’t a museum for saints—it’s a hospital for sinners. It’s messy and imperfect, but it’s also a place where grace and truth can be found.

Why I Stay

Today, my faith is far from perfect. I still have questions, and I still wrestle with doubt. But I’ve come to see that faith isn’t about certainty—it’s about trust. It’s about choosing to believe in a God who is bigger than my understanding, a Savior who meets me in my brokenness, and a Spirit who guides me every step of the way.

Walking away from Christianity gave me the space to ask hard questions and explore my doubts. Coming back to Christianity gave me the answers I was looking for—not in the form of explanations, but in the form of a person: Jesus Christ.

And that is why I stay.