Toxic love or Godly love? Red flags christians shouldnt ignore

 

In relationships, love is a beautiful thing—something that can build, heal, and uplift. However, not all love is healthy, and in the context of Christianity, we are called to love as Christ loves us (Ephesians 5:25). Unfortunately, many people, even within the Christian community, find themselves in toxic relationships that not only cause harm but also hinder spiritual growth and personal well-being.

This article explores the distinction between toxic love and godly love, highlighting key red flags that Christians should never ignore. These red flags can serve as indicators that a relationship is unhealthy, potentially abusive, or simply misaligned with God’s will.

Understanding Godly Love vs. Toxic Love

Godly Love

Godly love reflects the character of Christ and is marked by selflessness, patience, kindness, and forgiveness. The Bible gives us a clear picture of what godly love looks like in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

> “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

In godly love, there is mutual respect, emotional and spiritual growth, and a commitment to each other’s well-being. It draws both individuals closer to Christ, helping them to live out God’s purpose for their lives.

Toxic Love

Toxic love, on the other hand, is marked by manipulation, control, dishonesty, and selfishness. It can be emotionally, spiritually, or even physically abusive. While toxic relationships may start with affection, over time, they can lead to feelings of insecurity, fear, or depression. They tend to be characterized by one person exerting control or dominance over the other, often causing harm or confusion.

A toxic relationship can happen in various forms—whether in romantic partnerships, friendships, or family dynamics. It often fosters unhealthy patterns that pull both individuals away from God’s will.

Red Flags of Toxic Love

As Christians, we are encouraged to discern the difference between godly love and toxic love. Here are key red flags that should never be ignored in any relationship:

1. Manipulation and Control

In toxic love, one person often tries to control or manipulate the other’s thoughts, actions, or decisions. This can be subtle at first, with behaviors such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting, or using emotional blackmail.

What to Look For:

The relationship feels like a constant power struggle.

One person often makes you feel guilty for expressing your own desires or needs.

You are pressured into doing things that make you uncomfortable or go against your values.

Godly Love vs. Toxic Love:

Godly love is free and empowering. It encourages you to be yourself and supports you in making decisions that honor God. Toxic love, however, seeks to undermine your autonomy, causing you to lose sight of who you are in Christ.

Scripture Reference:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)

2. Disrespect and Devaluation

In a toxic relationship, there is often a lack of respect, and one person may consistently belittle or devalue the other. This could include verbal abuse, name-calling, or dismissing the other person’s thoughts and feelings.

What to Look For:

Your partner frequently criticizes or mocks you.

They refuse to acknowledge your feelings or experiences.

There’s a pattern of belittling you in front of others.

Godly Love vs. Toxic Love:

Godly love treats others with kindness and respect, valuing them as beloved children of God. Toxic love devalues and disregards the inherent worth of the other person, leading to feelings of inferiority or inadequacy.

Scripture Reference:

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” (Ephesians 4:2)

3. Isolation from Family and Friends

Toxic relationships often cause isolation. One partner may attempt to control the other by limiting their contact with friends, family, or other support networks.

What to Look For:

Your partner discourages you from spending time with others.

You begin to feel emotionally isolated, even though you are in a relationship.

You feel like you have to choose between your loved ones and your partner.

Godly Love vs. Toxic Love:

Godly love encourages healthy relationships and community. A godly partner will support your friendships and family bonds, as these are vital for emotional and spiritual health. Toxic love, however, seeks to isolate you, cutting you off from support and making you more dependent on your partner.

Scripture Reference:

“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” (Proverbs 27:17)

4. Unresolved Conflict and Lack of Forgiveness

In toxic love, conflicts are often left unresolved, and forgiveness is not extended. Instead, grudges are held, and bitterness may fester. The inability to resolve conflict healthily or to forgive one another is a significant red flag.

What to Look For:

Arguments are never truly resolved, and the same issues keep resurfacing.

Your partner refuses to apologize or acknowledge when they are wrong.

Past mistakes are used against you in future arguments.

Godly Love vs. Toxic Love:

Godly love seeks reconciliation, peace, and forgiveness (Ephesians 4:32). It allows for growth through healthy communication and conflict resolution. Toxic love, however, allows resentment to build and creates emotional distance between partners.

Scripture Reference:

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)

5. Emotional or Physical Abuse

One of the clearest signs of a toxic relationship is emotional or physical abuse. No relationship should involve any form of harm, whether it’s verbal abuse, manipulation, or physical violence.

What to Look For:

You feel afraid, unsafe, or intimidated in the relationship.

There are frequent outbursts of anger, or your partner has a history of physical violence.

You feel threatened or coerced into doing things that are harmful to you.

Godly Love vs. Toxic Love:

God’s love is kind, patient, and always seeks the well-being of others. It never seeks to harm or dominate. Toxic love is often abusive, either emotionally, physically, or both, and leaves lasting scars.

Scripture Reference:

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Mark 12:31)

How to Respond to Red Flags

As a Christian, if you recognize red flags in a relationship, it's crucial to take them seriously. Here’s what to do:

1. Pray for Discernment: Ask God for wisdom to understand the situation clearly and the courage to take action if necessary.

2. Seek Support: Talk to trusted mentors, pastors, or friends about your relationship. They can provide godly counsel and support.

3. Set Boundaries: Establish boundaries to protect yourself emotionally and spiritually. Boundaries are a form of self-care that honors God’s plan for you.

4. End the Relationship If Necessary: If the relationship is consistently harmful and doesn’t align with God’s truth, it may be time to walk away. Remember, God wants you to thrive in relationships that reflect His love.

Conclusion: Pursuing Godly Love

Toxic love distorts what God intended for relationships. As Christians, we are called to love as Christ loves us—sacrificially, selflessly, and without manipulation or harm. If you find yourself in a relationship that consistently displays red flags, it’s important to recognize these signs early and take steps toward healing, growth, and, if necessary, separation.

Godly love always leads to growth and peace, drawing both partners closer to Him and to one another. In contrast, toxic love brings pain, confusion, and distance from God. By recognizing and acting on red flags, you ensure that your relationships reflect the love and truth of Christ, bringing you closer to His divine purpose for your life.