The art of forgiveness: How to heal when the hurt runs deep

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful principles in the Christian faith. It’s a command from God, a pathway to healing, and a vital aspect of our relationship with others and with God. Yet, when we are deeply hurt—whether by betrayal, loss, or injustice—forgiveness can seem like an insurmountable challenge. How can we forgive when the pain runs so deep? How can we heal from wounds that seem too much to bear? This article explores the art of forgiveness, providing a Biblical framework, practical steps, and encouragement for those seeking to heal from deep hurt through the transformative power of forgiveness.

Understanding Forgiveness from a Christian Perspective

Forgiveness is not just a feeling or a mere act of releasing someone from responsibility—it is a deliberate choice to free yourself from the chains of bitterness, anger, and resentment. As Christians, we are called to forgive others as God has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). This means offering forgiveness not based on how we feel or the actions of the other person but because of the grace God has extended to us.

The Biblical Foundation of Forgiveness

In Matthew 18:21-22, Jesus teaches Peter that forgiveness should be extended "seventy-seven times," meaning forgiveness is limitless. It’s not just a one-time act but a continual choice that mirrors the endless grace God offers to us.

In Colossians 3:13, Paul writes, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” The forgiveness God offers is not conditional on how deserving we are; similarly, we are called to forgive others without expectation of them earning it.

Forgiveness is essential not just for the one who has wronged you but for your own peace, healing, and spiritual growth.

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness, though difficult, has the power to heal. When we choose to forgive, we are not excusing the hurtful behavior or forgetting the wrong done to us; instead, we are choosing to release the hold that anger, bitterness, and hatred have on our hearts. Forgiveness allows us to move forward and embrace peace.

1. Forgiveness Releases You from the Burden of Anger

Carrying resentment, anger, or hatred towards someone is like carrying a heavy weight. It wears us down, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Hebrews 12:15 warns that bitterness can "defile" us, affecting our relationships with others and even our health. When we forgive, we release this burden and free ourselves from the constant emotional toll of harboring unforgiveness.

2. Forgiveness Brings Emotional and Physical Healing

Studies show that holding onto anger and resentment can contribute to stress, anxiety, and even physical illness. On the other hand, forgiveness has been linked to better emotional well-being and improved physical health. Proverbs 14:30 says, “A heart at peace gives life to the body.” Forgiveness allows you to experience the peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7), bringing healing to both your heart and your body.

3. Forgiveness Restores Relationships

While forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation, it opens the door for healing in relationships. When we forgive, we allow the possibility of restored relationships with those who have wronged us, or at the very least, we are freed from the constant strain of conflict and resentment. Jesus, in Matthew 5:9, tells us that peacemakers are blessed, and through forgiveness, we can become agents of peace in our relationships.

Practical Steps to Forgiveness

Forgiving someone who has deeply hurt you is not easy. It often requires time, reflection, and God’s grace. Here are practical steps to guide you in the process of forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge the Pain

The first step in forgiveness is acknowledging the pain. Don’t ignore, suppress, or minimize the hurt. The Bible does not call us to pretend that nothing happened but instead to bring our pain to God (Psalm 34:18). God understands our suffering, and He is close to the brokenhearted. By acknowledging the pain, you open yourself to the healing that forgiveness can bring.

Action Step: Take some time to reflect on the hurt you’ve experienced. Journal your feelings, express your pain, and bring it before God in prayer.

2. Choose to Forgive

Forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. When you forgive, you are choosing to release the offender from their debt and to let go of the emotional grip they have on you. This is a decision that may need to be made repeatedly as feelings of hurt resurface.

Action Step: Consciously make the decision to forgive. You may need to say it out loud or write it down: “I forgive [name] for [specific offense].” Remember, forgiveness does not require the other person to ask for it or even recognize the hurt they’ve caused.

3. Pray for the Strength to Forgive

Forgiveness is often difficult because it requires supernatural strength. Ask God for the grace to forgive, just as He has forgiven you. In Matthew 17:20, Jesus tells us that even faith as small as a mustard seed can move mountains. If the pain feels too overwhelming, ask God for the faith and strength to let go of the hurt.

Action Step: Pray honestly and specifically: “Lord, I need Your help to forgive [name]. I feel so hurt, and I don’t know how to move past this. Please help me to forgive, even as You have forgiven me.”

4. Release the Need for Revenge or Justice

Sometimes, forgiveness requires us to relinquish our desire for revenge or retribution. Romans 12:19 says, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Trust that God is just and that He will take care of the wrongs in His perfect timing.

Action Step: Consciously release any desire to “get back” at the person who hurt you. Trust that God will handle the justice in His way.

5. Let Go of the Past

Forgiveness involves releasing the past and choosing to move forward. While the hurt may still surface from time to time, you don’t need to live in the past anymore. As you forgive, allow God to heal the wounds and help you build a new future, free from the bondage of unforgiveness.

Action Step: Every time the pain resurfaces, remind yourself of your decision to forgive. Speak affirmations like, “I am healed in Christ” or “I choose peace over bitterness.”

6. Seek Reconciliation (When Possible and Safe)

Forgiveness doesn’t always mean immediate reconciliation, especially in cases of ongoing abuse or harm. However, if the relationship can be restored in a healthy, safe way, pursue reconciliation. Matthew 18:15-17 offers a framework for addressing conflict directly with the person involved.

Action Step: If reconciliation is possible, seek to restore the relationship through honest communication, humility, and prayer. Ensure that boundaries are respected and that the relationship is safe.

What to Do When Forgiveness Feels Impossible

There are times when forgiveness feels impossible, especially when the hurt is deep or the offender refuses to acknowledge their wrongdoing. In these situations, it’s important to remember that forgiveness is a process. It may take time, and you may need to forgive in stages.

Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Trust that God can heal even the deepest wounds, and don’t rush the process. Be patient with yourself, and remember that forgiveness is not for the other person—it’s for you. It’s for your healing, peace, and freedom in Christ.

Conclusion: Forgiveness is the Key to Healing

Forgiveness is not easy, but it is essential for healing. Through forgiveness, we experience freedom from the chains of bitterness, anger, and pain. It opens the door to emotional and spiritual peace, helping us grow closer to God and to others. Forgiveness is a reflection of the love and grace that God has shown to us, and as we forgive, we reflect His heart to the world.

If you are struggling with unforgiveness, take heart. God is with you, and He will provide the strength and grace you need. Remember that forgiveness is a journey—one that brings freedom, healing, and peace. As you take each step, know that God is working in you, and He will help you heal from the deepest hurts.