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Monday, October 29, 2012

Bwana Kibaki Please Give Us Back What We Gave You… Roho Safi

I can remember 2002 as if it were just yesterday. The celebrations going on in Nairobi at Uhuru Park as some Kenyans pelted the then President Moi with mud. We just couldn’t wait for Mzee Moi to get the hell out of State House and out of our lives. Oh boy if only we knew then what we know now. Many of us have very deep regrets and if Moi stood for presidency again today we would vote him in again without hesitation. But all that is water under the bridge now, I need to stay on topic here.

We Kenyans handed over the presidency of the republic of Kenya to somebody we thought we could trust. A man who had come to us humbly with his hat in his hand and requested us for the presidency of Kenya. He told us all in broad daylight that he was a one term president. ONE TERM!!! We liked that and it was one of the things that convinced us to vote for him with all our hearts because we were already very tired about people thinking that the presidency of Kenya was some personal property or some kind of royal throne where you have to either die in office or get forcibly removed somehow. We liked this man Kibaki who said five years were enough for him. In those days we were not yet pumbavus nor were we mavi ya kuku… at least not yet. We were still wananchi watukufu.

Now fast forward to 2012 and Kenyans are very concerned. Have you noticed how every time it is time for President Kibaki to leave tension rises considerably in the country and people begin to die? Let’s cast our minds back to 2007. Many of us cast a protest vote against Mr Kibaki for amongst other things breaking his promise to us to be a one tern president. What happened? He refused to leave and used the very powers we had given him to cling to power. But what was probably a lot worse was the fact that so many innocent Kenyans had to die. He was the president. He had power to save lives. To make quick decisions that would have spared precious Kenyan lives. He chose not to. In fact if truth be told we can scarcely recognize the man sitting in State house right now. What happened to that humble one term president we elected?

Still, of much more concern is what is happening in our country today. President Kibaki should have left in August according to what is written in black and white in the new constitution. The one he swore in front of us to defend. He had the power to ensure that elections were held on schedule in August. Instead there is plenty of evidence that people close to him threw some spanner in the works and indeed they are still doing so because we rapidly heading to November and there is no sign of Kibaki leaving State house any time soon. Oh yes we have heard all those people he has sent to us to tell us that he had no intention of overstaying his welcome and will leave office, but how shall we believe that from the same man who told us he would be a one term president. From the man who said corruption would be a thing of the past. And more recently from the president who has forcibly tried to push through his own people (not once but several times) to key positions in total contravention of the constitution? Surely Kenyans have a right never again to believe what his Excellency says.

More worrying is that the same trend we saw in 2007 is repeating itself before our very eyes with a vengeance. Until now we have been fairly peaceful but now it is time again for President Kibaki to leave and all of a sudden there is lots of tension in the country and plenty of violence and flair ups all over the place. Is it a coincident? I don’t think so. The stories and information I am receiving bares me out.

I have a very simple humble request to our president on behalf of Kenyans. Please please, give us back what we gave you roho safi. We have nothing to do with whatever personal problems you may be having with the ICC, heck we were in fact victims of the decisions you took in 2007 and 2008 and we are yet to even heal. So please, don’t involve us. Just leave in peace without any more delays. Let the violence and flair ups stop. Even if your people are not involved you have the power to stop it don’t you? You showed us that power when you suddenly sent troops to Somalia to secure our borders (one of the best decisions you have ever made according to me) can a little thing like some tribal disturbances elude you and the formidable security apparatus in Kenya? I think not.

I have used great restrain in writing this post. I don’t think I have been abusive or even punched under the belt. I have not repeated the unprintable things those who voted for you are saying out there. I have been a gentleman. Roho safi please give the country back and retire earliest in peace.

Thank you.

P.S. I am aware of the vast resources being spent to spy on ordinary harmless Kenyans like myself and I would suggest that this is a good time to shift attention and resources away from pumbavus and mavi ya kukus to where they are badly needed. I am a patriotic Kenyan who only wants the best for my country. I am not alone, there are so many others. I hear them every day complain about the corruption and troubles in this country.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Bold Bensouda Shames Devil, Calls Aspirants Bluff

Special Prosecutor Fatou Bensouda did not disappoint in her maiden tourist voyage to the country..

Following a warm reception, the black liberator of Kenyan impunity set a different tone to her visit by refusing to follow in her predecessor's footsteps. Instead of adopting Kenya's world famous wildlife, the Gambian native choose instead to skilfully tighten the noose already hanging tightly over the neck of Kenyan masters of impunity

The dark skinned Bensouda has ably measured up to the calling of her office by skilfully juggling between rounds of diplomacy with the President,PM,CJ,AG, DPP,P.C.,and Director of Witness Protection tactfully thanking all for supporting her candidature as ICC Prosecutor while shamelessly sharpening the Hague guillotine reminding the 3 arms of Government of their culpability in failing for 5 years to set up a local tribunal mechanism to bring the perpetrators of the post-election violence to justice

In one fell swoop the African Prosecutor tactfully called Presidential aspirant's bluff at the same time dealing a blow to their faint hearted apologists by wisely indicating she is not against any ethnic community thereby leaving none in doubt that the Kenyan tribal stereotype does not play a role in the facts stacked against PEV suspects

Fatou Bensouda may not be everybody's hero but the West African born ICC successor has proven she competently carries the baton handed down to her by predecessor Argentinian Ocampo in the tradition of wielding the blind double edge sword without fear or favor. All sectors of Kenyan society can continue to sleep easy at night knowing that the painful journey to end Kenya's cancer of impunity is finally drawing to a close NA BADO

Monday, October 22, 2012

No Biometric Voter Registration, Manual Chaos

Courtesy of SMG

Something nasty is cooking with regard to preparations for next year's elections. It is less than five months to the landmark polls and the Ahmed Ishaak-led IEBC appears ill prepared for its principal task.

It looks like we never learned any lessons from the near-Armageddon of 2007. The preparations for the next elections is so sloppy so much so that one shudders to imagine a repeat performance that will see dead Kenyans vote and polling stations registering 150% voting.

But the problem is clervely engineered to fail spectarcular. Look no further than the very Goverment. There is more to acquisition of the biometric voter registration equipment.

First the incompetent Government agrees a deal with Canada to secure BVR. Canada then liaises with a French firm to procure the same. But the French firm is now demanding full payment before delivering a single BVR unit despite part-payment.

IEBC also exposed its incompetence when it failed to pass any tendering for BVR thanks to vested interests waiting in the wings for massive kickbacks. Well, the more things change the more they remain the same and even deteriorate.

One thing is certain, the next elections is going to be more chaotic than any other before it. And the consequences are so grim one is better off not even imagining.

Make no mistake, this is no happenstance. The real owners of Kenya need chaos to thrive and advance their selfish interests at our colective expense. And you know what, the Kenyan voter has his/her back bent already to offer them a ride.

The vested interests seconded to IEBC are on a mission to make sure the institution fails. You see, an effective IEBC will deny the power barons the ability to control and dictate matters. They won't allow that to happen. And the joke is on us. NA BADO.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Avid Kumekucha Reader's Prediction On Political Alliances For The Presidency 2013

Thanks Chris.

Your take seems very well informed and comprehensive. I could just be swayed into seeing it your way :-)

What seems really surprising is that Kenyans outside Central province and Gema may still want to give the House of Mumbi another ten years at statehouse - that to me is really baffling considering all the kikuyu-bashing that has happened under Kibaki's watch.

Surely, they can't hate Raila that much! 

Indeed Raila's game plan and ultimate wish is to meet UK in the run-off so that he or most likely his lieutenants can go round the country posing one simple question to Kenyans: "Kwani, hakuna kina mama wengine inje ya Central Province ambao wanaweza kuzaa marais?" 

I know I would craft that message if I was his Communications Director!

But now if you place Mudavadi against Raila - that game plan collapses like a ton of bricks. Thats why my predictions are that UK will be on the ballot as Mudavadi's running mate. While Ruto will be on the ballot as Raila's running mate.
 


Kumekucha's response;
With the benefit of hindsight and having analyzed a number of previous presidential elections my take is that it is way too early to determine what will happen.

Let me give you an example. In 2002 people were busy predicting various alliances. Finally predictions started flying about how NAK (Kibaki, Wamalwa and Ngilu) were not strong enough to beat Kanu. You know what happen at the 11th hour when the professor of politics declared the Kanu presidential candidate to be one Uhuru Kenyatta. Everything fell apart for Kanu. But even then the predictions continued about how there was no way the brand new Narc coalition would hold together and that it would go the same way the original FORD that united the entire opposition went in 1992.

Well this time round they were almost right and analysts like yours truly who know these politicians only too well are still baffled to this day how Simoen Nyachae was the only casualty and Narc remained intact, at least until the elections were over when the predictions of a break up swiftly came to pass and the consequences were so grave that the chain of events that followed culminated in the senseless loss of life that we saw in 2008.

Having warned as to how it is way too early to make any predictions let me be the first to go against my own rule of thumb and suggest that these elections will be like no other. My gut feeling is that all these alliances and pacts will finally come to naught and that the most unexpected thing will happen to give us the most unexpected result.

About Raila handlers spooking the electorate with the very idea of another Kikuyu at the helm for another 10 years, I don't think this strategy will work with all the big communities. For instance the Kamba will prefer a Kikuyu for 20 years to Raila. I know it's puzzling, I too am amazed because even my late father (a Kamba) could not hide his utter disgust at the fact that I voted Raila in 2007. The elite can reason and make all their smart arguments but on the ground candidate Uhuru is popular enough to beat Raila without too much sweat. Again I emphasize it is NOT the outcome I would favour but it is the reality on the ground. It seems that Jomo Kenyatta's propaganda against our Luo brothers was pretty effective and will take a lot to shake off. It will also demonstrate to those who love to analyze these things how powerful a protest vote is and the difference it makes when you change the scenario so that it is no longer a factor.

If Elections Were Held Today Many Would NOT Like The Winner

Readers email question to Kumekucha - I am one of those Kenyans utterly convinced that Kenyan voters cannot/will not legitimately elect Uhuru immediately after a ten-year Kikuyu presidency. The presidency in Kenya firmly remains a tribal affair in the eyes of the majority and nothing much has changed regarding that perception over the last decade.

A- I hear what you are saying. It is what I hear from a lot of well educated elitist Kenyans and it makes plenty of sense. I think the problem is that my analysis on kumekucha is based on the facts on the ground and what the vast majority of voters are saying.

Personally I would hate to see another Kikuyu president because it is NOT good for the country for obvious reasons. However the reason why Kumekucha has such an amazing record for predicting political outcomes many months in advance is because I try as much as possible to keep my elitist views and opinions out of what I write.

Let me clarify the facts about Uhuru;

(i) The Kikuyu vote by itself (sheer numbers) is enough to get Uhuru to the run off, more  so because of the crowded field running for the presidency. But my facts on the ground indicate that candidate Uhuru has more support than just the Kikuyu vote. For instance he has solid backing from the extended GEMA bloc.

ii) Raila Odinga's popularity is a mirage that will melt before the eyes of Kenyans. Raila won the 2007 elections by a landslide (according to the figures I got of the real election results). However the votes he got were protest votes against Kibaki and Kikuyu dominance. This time round there will be no protest vote against the Kikuyu and even if there is it will not necessarily go to Raila Odinga.

iii) My facts and figures on the ground agree with what a vast majority of pollsters are saying. That if elections were held today the run off would end up being between Raila and Uhuru. Now when you have a choice of two candidates everything changes. Tribalism is watered down because the electorate have a choice of only 2 candidates. Namely Uhuru and Raila. GEMA are with Uhuru. The Kamba will never vote Raila. Coast province are very pissed off with Raila just now for many reasons. Western Kenya are mostly anti-Raila these days. Let me just stop there because I am sure you get my drift by now.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Political Transfer Window Open, Cold Fireworks

Less than five months to go and the open political window is destined to see more intense activity like never before.

You will here and witness numerous alliances that break even before the handshake is over. Welcome to Kenya's well-known ritual of political prostitution and laundering.

Already we are witness to a flurry of activities seeing engagement of foreign consultants engaged to spin facts. Who said foreigners should leave Kenyans alone?

You won't believe the faces on camera exposing their post molars in delight of forming alliances. Hitherto sworn enemies (sorry opponent is so soft in Kenyan politics) will be trooping to one side singing from both layers of their lips.

The adage no permanent friends nor enemies just permanent interests has never been more apt. Enjoy the show while it lasts.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Exciting TV To Address Root Of Kenya's Problems

 A wind of refreshing change is quietly sweeping across the nation with the decision by the local press to air imperialist-style Presidential democratic debates on Kenyan airwaves come November 26th 2012.
                                                    
For the first time in Kenyan history all candidates for StateHouse will be subject to a free truth and reconciliation platform to show the country who will make a better Kenyan president in March 2013

This noble cause is sure to play host to such penetrating questions as:

  • When is Artur Margayan's book being released?
  • Has Kenyan history circa 1963 been told truthfully?
  • Name a famous Kenyan land grabber
  • Why were Nyayo torture chambers run while you were a senior member of the government?
  • What is the tribe of your spouse?
  • Where and when did you amass the wealth you have today?
  • Who is behind political assassinations in Kenya and why?
  • Who funded the YK92 and where are the audited accounts?
  • How do you say StateHouse in your opponents mother-tongue?

The search for a leader out of the numerous names of contenders has begun in earnest as 2013 draws closer. Never before has there been such an opportunity for a new breed of leader born after independence to wrest the political control from hands of the old guard who are scared to stand next to a computer.

Totally new faces, preferably dot-com Kenyans who have not been in politics before and can surf the internet can now clearly demonstrate on Television how the GDP of Kenya can overtake Singapore by 2030

The Kenyan voter gladly welcomes this opportunity to question the string of broken promises which overshadow all the other achievements that have been made by the government since 2002 NA BADO

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

President Uhuru Sworn-in Abroad at The Hague

It is five months to the mother of all elections. But that does not matter it is six months to the The Hague/ICC noose snapping. And Uhuru is no average Joe, he knows the only way to KILL The Hague monster clinging on his back is to win the presidency.

Forget all the bravado and brinkmanship from the other presidential aspirants. Uhuru has penciled his life on the next polls. In is mind it is a matter of LIFE and DEATH socially, politically and financially.

The forth coming elections is like oxygen to Uhuru. He losses and his goose is hunted, cooked, digested and flushed. The 26th richest African can afford to risk ICC jail which will see over 50 billion shillings of Kenyatta family wealth seized to compensate Post Election Violence victims. Never.

What is more, the new constitution provided immunity to Kenyan presidents from prosecution in any court for any criminal offence. Don't waste your breathe shouting that ICC is not bound by our laws. This is Kenya and impunity is our first, middle and surname.

Article 143 (1) of the new constitution explicitly states that "Criminal proceedings shall not be instituted or continued in any court against the President or a person performing the functions of that office, during the tenure of office."

Yes with ultimate power you can afford to read the same constitution selectively and dismiss the next clause Article 143(4): "The immunity of the president under this Article shall not extend to a crime for which the President may be prosecuted under any treaty to which Kenya is party and which prohibits such immunity". Kwani mta do?

And before you foam at the mouth waxing legalistic you have to know the present substantive appointing authority who is not Kibaki lest you delude yourself. If in doubt just send and email to either Eugene and ole Metito.

So forget about flamboyant old geezers like Bashir or Mugabe shouting themselves hoarse with neocolonialism slogans. Come next year and Kenya will beat them all making history in all fronts.

And that history will begin with the forth president of Kenya being sworn in office in Europe, Netherlands to be precise and at The Hague to be exact.

Already three very creative Kenyans, Messrs Charles Munyui, Kamotho Njenga and Paul Mwangi have taken both AG Muigai and Justice Minister Wamalwa to court so that they can be directed to amend the Assumption of the Office of the President Act, 2012 so as to accommodate swearing-in from without Kenyan borders.

You see last month's by-elections has definitely redefined Kenyan politics. The new party on the political block is ruling the airwaves and Uhuru is leaving nothing to chance. And what a sweet victory, real or perceived, it would be to defeat the very person who engineered his ICC persecutions. Game on.

Sunday, October 07, 2012

Embodiment of virtues

The entire Kumekucha bloggers and loyal abiding readership wish to extend heartfelt "Hongera" to Water and Immigration Minister Charity Ngilu on the happy occasion of her successful B.A. L.M. graduation


The single virtue defining us as Kenyans is the power to read letters as exemplified by our own economical African Teacher and the high priced Ivy League Education Graduates.

Critics rhetoric not withstanding, a degree remains a necessary qualification for sufficient leadership of any nation and holding a degree immediately improves the company of ones association as portrayed by the guest list during the Water Minister's celebration party.

Thankfully the power of the new constitution is already at work sweeping away the rot of functionally illiterate leaders who have been laughing all the way to the bank leading an equally functionally illiterate populace NA BADO

Friday, October 05, 2012

Here Comes the Three Presidential Musketeers

Forget the opinion polls. Long dead is G7. The race to become Kenya's forth president has just began in earnest. And what a formidable trinity in Jomo Jnr, the VP Kalonzo and Bill Ruto.

The three may be owners of kingsize egos but they have seen the light. On their own they are toast but together it is no contest.

Son of Jomo has revolutionized Kenyan politics in very few weeks. Even his pun in naming his party Tuko Na Agwambo (TNA) was a clever dig at his opponent which has paid handsomely.

Raila is just propping the presidential league table. And poor Musalia has been left holding the bathtub full of dirty water.

It appears Mudavadi's short-lived political honeymoon is over. No amount of clervely-crafted ICC friendly press statements will save son of Mululu. You don't win votes by condemning the 40m voters for crimes of four people.

Now as political transfer window closes, brace yourselves for the unthinkable. Game on, bring it on. The next mutation of G7 will give forth a political hydra.