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Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Tough Women Who Beat Up Kenyan Presidents

As we sat down gulping our beers and discussing politics at the popular local, time as always was flying at high speed. This happened years ago. It was a week day and I remember telling my friend several times that we should start heading home. No need to upset our wives I told him. Glancing at my watch in shock just then I realized that it was already 2am.
That last statement had quite an effect on my friend more than what time it was. He demanded to know who the boss was in my house and I tried to explain to him that being a boss came with responsibilities. He reassured me loudly that if I was scared of my wife he would take me home personally and do the explaining on my behalf. He proceeded to order two more rounds since that issue was now settled.

Our local wasn’t too far from where we lived and in those days Kenya was much safer than it is today and so we staggered home and reached his gate a handful of minutes to 4 am. He suggested that I give him a few minutes to pop in and then he would escort me home as promised. I agreed confident that since he was known to my wife there would be no problem. Immediately he started knocking on his front door I knew something was terribly wrong. The knock was so timid that you could hardly hear it in the quite of the night. I assumed that his wife was asleep and she was never going to hear it. I was just about to move forward to give the door a proper knock when the door swung open violently.

“Hello mama Shiro.” I piped confidently expecting to see the usual warm smile. Instead there was a cold stare and she pointed her finger at me, “YOU!!!” was all she said before grabbing her husband by the collar hurling him inside the house and slamming her front door shut.

Inside I could hear a scuffle and my friend’s meek voice pleading; “please mama Shiro.” The English promptly turned into Kikuyu (most of which I understand). She hurled abuses at him at him while doing something violent to him (I have never been sure what exactly).

I walked away quickly to face my own wife’s wrath.

I learnt an interesting lesson that day. And that is whatever you do, never believe what your friends tell you about their personal lives when you are drinking. In the bar all men are total men who rule their houses with an iron hand and where wives do everything as commanded. And as one man told us in the bar those days with a straight face, when he needs what a husband needs from the wife at night, all he has to do is clear his throat and his wife is ready to deliver. That sounded more like slave trade to me but most of all I have always suspected that it was pure fiction. Designed only to entertain drinking buddies.

All these memories have come flooding back with the national debate that has been going on since last week about Kenyan men who regularly receive a serious beating from their wives. We are told that women from Central province lead in husband battering and especially a place called Nyeri.

But what most Kenyans do not realize is that at least two out of the three Kenyan presidents we have had so far have had some very tough women for wives. The late Lena Moi caused such a serious fracas at State house Nakuru during a state function in the 1960s that Moi was forced to get rid of her from his life and although he supported her until her death shortly after he left office in 2002, the two never lived as husband and wife again. Observers hardly fault Lena who was said to be a very religious woman and blame it all on Moi who was having an affair with a Kikuyu police officer at the time. He did not realize that Lena had already heard the whispers and carelessly decided to have a dance with the said woman. Lena saw red and even efforts by President Jomo Kenyatta to cool things off by insisting on dancing with her had no effect whatsoever.

Mwai Kibaki’s suffering for many years in the hands of Lucy Kibaki is well known. But what most people find unacceptable was the fact that Lucy was known to jeer and mock Kibaki’s many unsuccessful efforts to become president of the country but was quick to rush to his side at State House shortly after he was sworn in as president. The wife who had helped poor Emilio retain his sanity all those years, Mary Wambui (Kibaki’s second wife) was shoved to the sidelines and to make matters worse was denied together with her children on national TV during prime time viewing.

Tough no nonsense women have been with us in Kenya for a long time and there is really no reason why the press should make such a big fuss about them now, as if they have suddenly sprung up from nowhere.

Indeed the point that everybody seems to be missing is the fact that most Kenyan men find tough women extremely attractive and very sexy. Almost irresistible. There is no feeling that comes anywhere close to that of conquering a tough man-beating woman and seeing her finally surrender to your charms. Those who have tamed wild horses will have an idea of what I am talking about here.

21 comments:

E-COP said...

E-cop here.
i start by taking great offense at
TOO SUGGESTIVE use of pictures painting TOO VIVID a picture in the minds of your world wide internet readers

I know it is VALENTINE but why refuse to acknowledge the popularity,wide readership and appeal of this blog to FAMILIES including younger children and HouseHelps?

By consistently refusing to think of the children you make even your loyal,regular readers TOO EMBARRASSED to read some of your recent posts even in a PUBLIC OPENNESS of Kenyatta Avenue Cyber Cafes

Thirdly is it wise to be "gulping our beers and discussing politic" in the pubs and clubs? surely the standards have fallen low bro?

Fifth who said Kenyan men are so WEAK and BEATABLE?you are looking down upon your own people Chris and yet we passed a new Katiba that has now equalised the status of men and women throughout the entire country. If you don't know how to fight your husband/wife for your human rights shauri yako

Lastly Chris, i warn you that this blog has quickly deteriorated into a MEXICAN SOAP OPERA. let us always remember to maintain high standards for the sake of our readers and internet audience. It is one thing to be truthful and another thing entirely to talk about such adult matters in public

good day to you, and bring them on please

Anonymous said...

Wewe E-Afande, upende usipende, kikulacho ki nguoni mwako bila shaka. Mama watoto (Shujaa Jemedari Wangu wa Makeri) yuko njiani yuaja, kwa sababu yamefahamika kwamba wewe bado umesahau jinsi ya kuimarisha maisha ya hapo nyumbani mwako pamoja na kukosa kutafuta binu mbambali za kukuza ndoa na kuzindua idara ya mapenzi, hasa sehemu ya mambo kemukemu. Tafadhali jirani wema wanakuomba utoweke Kumekucha moja kwa moja ili upate nafasi ya kurudi nyumbani na kujianda kwa yote yale hasa kubana usukani.

Anonymous said...

well you could have voted for Prof Wangari Mathai for president....why call the new Nairobi terminal 'greenfield terminal' - 'Wangari Mathai terminal' would be more fitting....

Anonymous said...

Chris,
A well known senior military commander, may his soul rest in peace, was known to encourage his juniors during mid-day ecounters or Wednesday luncheons at the officers' mess, by reminding them to always retreat (return) home on time, eat (drink) your evening soup and let the supreme commander (wife) do the talking, because order on the home front is not only vital to the survival of your military career but also to the well being of your health in general.

Never fail to communicate with her as a gentleman, and above all, let her shine at all times. Be a soldier on base but never forget to be a good husband, father and neighbour at home. Only then will the two of you win most of the uphill battles that others have lost at a great expense
.

So whenever an officer was going through a difficult patch in his personal life, his peers would say, he's in cold soup ("HCS"), in other words, the officer failed to retreat home on time, or he refused to drink his soup in silence - listen to the supreme commander.

Women rule the roost. They can do it with open arms or with a clenched (iron) fist when things get worse.

kumekucha said...

Anon @ 12:03am,

Brilliant comment. Thanx for the nuggets of wisdom.

Listening to your woman does not mean you are weak contrat to what many Kenyan men believe.

Chris Kumekucha

Anonymous said...

Bachelors: Ten Reasons Why You Should Be Dating an Older Woman

By Older I don’t mean Old. I’m not talking about someone who was a few years behind your mum in High School and remembers how your mum used to bully her. I’m talking about 6 years maximum, give or take. Unless of course she is 40 but looks 25, but we shall cover Cougars in another note.

So why dear bachelor should you be dating an older woman?

1 – The Older Woman comes to the table with far lower expectations. By the time you come around she has already experienced unbelievable heartache at the hands of real jerks. Guys whom by comparison make you look like Archangel Gabriel. Unlike the Young Thang; she doesn’t expect you to deliver the moon, the stars, a unicorn and a fairytale existence. She will be perfectly content with you just not cheating on her.

2 – The Older Woman has Experience. Ahem. I don’t think I need to say any more on this.

3 - Quick story. A friend of ours once brought his latest catch to our watering hole. She was about 19, and completely breathtakingly beautiful. As is the norm in Kenyan bars, when it got to 2100hrs ( that 9 pm, for those of you who went to school but didn’t get an education) the turned down the music so that we could watch Prime Time News. ( By the way; why do they do that? I mean, we have TVs at home, if we wanted to watch news we’d be there!). Now during the news there was a story about Amos Kimunya. This chick says she supports Amos Kimunya because he has done a good job with Football in Kenya. In shock, one of us asked her who she thought Amos Kimunya was. She confidently replied ” Coach of Harambee Stars”. At that time Jacob ‘Ghost’ Mulee was having some shidas as well, but that’s no excuse for confusing him with the Finance Minister of the Country! Needless to say my pal dismissed her vibe with the swiftness of a Moi one o’clock bulletin.

With these tois your conversation is pretty much assured to revolve around music and celebrities. Period. Woe unto you if she starts talking about some local ‘celeb’ whom you have never heard of. With an older woman you are going to talk about more stuff; politics, world affairs, the environment.

4 - The Challenge: With the advent of the Chipo Culture; picking up a young thang from the Bar/Club/Church is easier than catching a cold after jogging naked on a rainy July evening in Limuru. Lets face it; if you have a car, your own crib, passable looks and a modest amount of money in your pocket…you are pretty much guaranteed to pull. Where’s the fun in that?

Now imagine the challenge of getting with a high powered business executive; a CEO or one of these fire-spitting FIDA council members. There is an actual chase, real thrill in overcoming stiff resistance and the pure satisfaction of achieving a near impossible goal.

5 – She has her own life. A young girl is likely to be living with her parents or sharing accommodation with a friend. Whatever the case wherever she stays is likely not to be anywhere near as free and comfortable as your Bachelor Pad. Which is why you will find her slowly but steadily transferring all her possessions from her place to yours; starting with a toothbrush. Before you know it, your house is infested with feminine hygiene products.

Young Thangs also tend to be clingy. She will build her life around you. Your phone rings every 30 minutes, with calls like ” where are you sweetie?” and ” Si I come join you and your pals?” On the other hand an older woman has her own life. When she calls its purely for the matters at hand. She gives you your space and has the confidence to let you hang with your boys.

6 – Ideally an older woman should be more mature in her words, thoughts and actions. Gone are the hormone-induced mega tantrums over socks left in the sitting room, or a full on thermo-nuclear scale argument because you didn’t return her missed call. All in all, your blood pressure will be far more stable with an older woman than with a PYT who is still drowning in a turbulent sea of adolescent hormones.

continued...

Anonymous said...

continuation...

7) Your Bank Manager Will Love Her Too: Why? Because unlike these Bambas she doesn’t think that ‘going dutch’ means being charged at the Hague. She pays her way in the relationship. Who knows, she may even do more than her fair share money-wise. I’m just saying that if she decides to pay rent for you so that you can move from Huruma to Hurlingham; so that she can park her BMW outside your digs without fear of it not being there in the morning…that’s a plus. Which leads me to…..

8 – It’s Time Men Started Thinking Like Women: Since the dawn of time, women have been using their natural charms to get ahead in life. On the other hand men find it debasing and some how even under-handed to sleep their way to the top. Screw. That. If your female boss ties that promotion you have been passed-over for ten times with a little nocturnal enterprise… I say ask your self ” What Would A Woman Do?” 8 times out of 10, you’ll hit that all the way up the corporate ladder.

9 – It’s Just Fun for Fun’s Sake: An older woman will understand that the social conventions of Kenya weigh heavily against a younger man marrying an older woman. So, the relationship begins with marriage being completely out of the picture. You guys kick it for a while; until she finds someone her own age.

10 – Lastly, there is a lot to be said for being different. If you are a successful young man, going out with a successful older woman; your stock amongst your peers and more importantly amongst young ladies goes through the roof. You are the Alpha Male who can dominate the Alpha Female…and not many of your peers could say the same about themselves.

So there. Ten Reasons to dump your giggly, gum chewing, Wyre-Groupie chick and upgrade to a more sophisticated older model. Comments?

Thoughts of an Educated Fool is a random collection of thoughts by a possibly unstable mind. Ranked 562,889,580,219 best blog on the Web by Google (behind ‘Mark Philips: Toe Nail Clipping Chronicles’) this blog is required reading for any person with far too much time and bandwidth.

Anonymous said...

This is one those topics or posts that any man of many parts would rather avoid for fear of being reminded of the realities of life.

In an amazing way, all arguments die in the face of a thousand other questions as to why tough and not so tough women end up kunyorasha (ma)dume who have failed or neglected to constructively take care of business in the boma as expected.

Belive it or not, there is no limit to argument and counterargument in cases where certain situations on the home front have gone awry.

In most cases, it all boils down to one notorious culprit who have taken hold of a large segment of the dume population in the country.

Talking of dumes who were once known to walk the straight and narrow without ever flinching an eye or even raising an eyebrow, whenever they found themselves in the company of their best buddies (rika), or were tempted to gulp large quantities of Machozi ya Simba (Asprinio Bianco) or Yohana M'mtembezi just before heading for the home stretch.

Or even on many occasions when they accidentally - at times by design - encountered the unavoidable thrilling company of modern day sophisticated versions of Bathshebas, Jezebels, and Rahabs.

The notorious culprit responsible for the real mess in our midst is none other the long and sad history of alcohol dependency among a high percentage of dume population all over the country.

That's one of the many reasons why women in Tuthu, Tetu, Mugoiri, Gaturi, Kaheti, Gatanga, Kianyaga, Kitito, Nyeri, Kerugoya, Nanyuki, Nyahururu, Njabini, Kiangunyi, Ngandu, Karaba, Thegu, Mweiga, Mwea, Mariira, Kiriaini, Mwenji, Karatina, Gataragwa, North Kinangop, Manunga, Sagana, Naromoru, Ol Kalou, Kiganjo and else where, have found it so sickening and tiring to the point where they have been the first to take up arms on the frontlines against the deadly beast that continues to ravage their men - husbands, sons, brothers, fathers, uncles, cousins, friends, associates, and fracture their families and way of life in the process.

Unfortunately for the concerned, affected and afflicted women of Kenya, their local authorities, representatives, parliament, the cabinet, the president, NGOs and even the churches have failed to come to their immediate rescue.

As a result, the ripple effect is what is being felt reverberating not just in Nyeri and within the above mentioned regions, but around the whole country.

Woe betide any man or woman who still thinks that nyorashua kwa wanaume only takes place in Nyeri.

Anonymous said...

If men are still behaving like their ancestors did, disrespecting women, then they should expect to be chapwaad properly until they grow up!

Anonymous said...

I thought Nyeri men were real men not Kihiis as the call men from the lake.
How come real men (cut ones) are the ones to be twangwaed (bitten to a pulp or cut in puzzle patterns)?
The Nyeri men are in deed "real" men! Good riddance. Na mta so? Na baado mambo!

Anonymous said...

Raila Should Avoid Naked Hatred!

Posted on February 15, 2012

· 1) On February 14, 2012, we touched on Raila’s disrespectful, disgraceful, degrading and insulting habits of engaging confused truants and street urchins, instead of dealing with the real leaders/elders specifically in Central Kenya; we noted that one could not possibly negotiate a marriage or dowry through such like; and gave examples of Fidel Castro Odinga and Wambugu Ngunjiri, adding that what these spoilt youngsters need urgently was counseling.

· As if the disrespect, the disgrace, the insulting behaviour, et cetera, was not enough, Raila continued ridiculing, heaping insults, et cetera, on the Central Kenya people (Capital FM News – February 15, 2012, at 7am, 8am and 9am).

· Addressing his constituents in Kibera, the PM said: “You must have heard; you must have heard about the place where husbands are being beaten by their wives; they are being beaten every day by their wives because they are not even able to fulfill their conjugal rights; all they do is to drink illicit brews and take bhang; we must not be like them here!” Thank you very much.

· But here is the PM of Kenya talking that way about a section of the people of Kenya he is desirous of leading; here is a leading presidential candidate; what kind of (pathological) hatred, good people, is this?

· Nothing to add: but calmly, kindly, please treat this as serious food for thought, taking cognizance, for instance, of the fact that the poisonous ingredients used towards making those deadly concoctions, he alluded to, come from the Kisumu Molasses Plant! What is the agenda here? Raila should avoid naked hatred!

· 2) During the same forum (February 14, 2012, at Kibera), Raila said (Daily Nation/Standard, February 15, 2012): “They (Kenyatta and Ruto) are going round the country praying for themselves but I have not heard even a single one of them offering prayers to those who were killed during the post-election violence. It is unfortunate that it is the (post-election violence) suspects that are being prayed for. If you are charged for a crime, you should go and face the judge!”

· Ruto responded (February 15, 2012, in Parliament): “You are saying we are being prayed for, and others are not included in the prayers; if you are serious and truly caring, who has stopped you from praying for those you talk about if indeed you have a heart; if you have heart, who has stopped you from praying for other people; if you do not want to be involved in the prayers, why can’t you just keep your peace?” Indeed!

· The PM is a heartless, reckless, disrespectful, disgraceful, degrading, insulting, vacuous, et cetera, populist demagogue, devoid of anything serious to report home about! How many times has he visited the IDPs he authored; how many times has his wife visited the IDPs; whom do they think they are hoodwinking every time they make or engage in empty theatrics visiting Karume and/or Matiba, for useless and meaningless prayers, with a battery of journalists in tow seeking political capital out of the miseries of other Kenyans? It is demonic! Utterly ungodly!

http://hardtalkkenya.wordpress.com/2012/02/15/raila-should-avoid-naked-hatred/

Anonymous said...

kwani there are two kinds of hatred nakked nad clothed hahahaha

Anonymous said...

One of the craziest news is Osama Bin Laden was infatuated, obessesed, smitten with now deceased Whitney Houston.

Bizzare as it might seem, Bin Laden is said to have lusted after Whitney Houston, dreamed of marrying her and at one point even plotted to murder her husband Bobby Brown.

Can world get any crazier than that!

Anonymous said...

@2/16/12 9:21 AM
It must be a case of fertile imagination.
Someone is busy at it once again, trying to pull an old card here that's errily similar to Al-Gaddafi's infatuation with Kondole Mupunga wa Muchele, the former secretary of Rais Joji Kichaka Mdogo from Crawford, Texas, Marekani.
Whithouston may have had a unique golden voice at one point in history, but she didn't have the umbile to die for, one of the reasons she never strutted her stuff like Shangazi Tina Turner, or Dada mdogo, Beyonce, among others.
It is what it is, the golden voice was out of this world, but umbile was less than average.
May she RIP.

Anonymous said...

Just watch and listen to Whitney here, so sad "no one cared"...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XA8kj9drjMk&feature=slpl

Anonymous said...

So many lives could have been saved (including those of many Kenyans) and so many wars could have been avoided had America known and give away Whitney Houston in hands for marriage to Osama bin Laden.
Americans should have been reminded LOVE conquers ALL.

Anonymous said...

SPOUSAL BATTERY IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER !!
STYLE UP KUMEKUCHA!!!!!

Anonymous said...

PIG,

Kwani hakuna Sumarian folklore related to domestic violence? Come on please populate the blog with abbreviated references. And while at it don't forget dish expertise of economics/land/war/tax wrt violence, LOL!

Anonymous said...

Mudavadi told to drop his presidential ambitions to save the party (ODM) from an imminent split

The charade is over and the party called ODM true owners are out in the open. Mudavadi should step down for the "defacto ODM leader" to get an automatic nomination as the flag bearer. What a way to demand a raila tosha!! And as expected James Orengo, Dalmas Otieno, Paul Otuoma, Chris Obure, and their kin are pushing for this resolution. I wonder what the likes of phil will say this time round.

Read more: http://www.nation.co.ke/News/politics/Plot+to+force+Mudavadi+out+of+race+/-/1064/1329128/-/sb5t8cz/-/index.html

Anonymous said...

"Sasa Chris"
"Poa"
"Usiseme Poa, sema uko Tu-Ju sana"

What a name, what a slogan what a peoples president!!
Gone are the days of Only Dummy Morons type of booooring acronyms.

The Oracle has Spoken

Anonymous said...

I agree that Raila is running around talking hate speech and inciting others against central Kenya people reminiscent of 2007--why the heck is Muzalendo Kibunja sleeping as the switch. Or is hate speech and incitement a charge only applicable to central leaders and/or the G7.

Anyway, Raila is a pathetic old man with a forked tongue. Right now he is demonizing Mudavadi for daring to challenge him. Feckless (and pathetic) dictator!

Anyway, here are some words of wisdom from William Ruto that the hair-dyeing, violent tyrant should heed:

http://www.nation.co.ke/oped/Opinion/Even+those+who+opposed+constitution+can+lead+/-/440808/1330416/-/item/0/-/156sd6sz/-/index.html

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