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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dialogue From State House Security Meeting

This is an imaginary meeting that never took place that nevertheless tries to capture a situation where dinosaurs using outdated ideas inevitably run out of options. It is instructive that this is the crux of the problem with the Kibaki/Raila administration. The meeting takes place between a senior presidential security advisor and a high ranking police chief. Enjoy.

Security advisor: I called this meeting to demand an explanation from you concerning the current escalating crime rate in the country. The president is concerned.

Police chief: Where is his Excellency if I may ask?

Security advisor: He’s still asleep but that is beside the point. What will I tell him when he wakes up?

Police Chief (glances at his watch and realizes it is going to noon): You will remember that I warned you this would happen. Let’s see if those human rights activists can fix it now.

Security advisor: Surely there are other ways of fighting crime without having to shoot down every thug in town.

Police Chief: I would like to hear about them. As you know our justice system doesn’t work.

Security advisor: What happened to the idea to increase patrols and other crime prevention measures? Your officers seem to have slackened considerably.

Police chief: The firearms we ordered never arrived. Patrols with G3 rifles when thugs have automatic weapons just gets my officers killed.

Security advisor: So what do we do now?

Police Chief: Maybe the human rights activists can give us some ideas.

Security advisor: Stop being sarcastic. Are you suggesting that we replace you with somebody else who will have some new ideas?

Police chief: That is the prerogative of the president but you know my replacement will be faced with exactly the same situation.

Security advisor: If you want to keep your job you will need to find a way to deal with escalating crime. Am sure you realize that.

Police Chief: If only we could fully reactivate the Kwekwe squad. Or even better form a new unit. Remember how we dealt with the Mungiki?

Security advisor: But I thought the Mungiki are still very much around and causing chaos?

Police chief: Yes, but they can be dealt with in the same way we did the first time. We shall find better ways to get rid of the bodies leaving no trace of evidence.

Security advisor: I have told you before that we are under considerable International pressure over those killings, we can never go back to that.

Police Chief: Then I might as well resign and leave the human rights activists to fight crime in this country.

Security advisor: I wish it was that simple. You know we still have skeletons in the closet over those damned elections. Even a fool would not accept your resignation at this time.

Police chief: You know my lips are sealed concerning that.

Security advisor: They better be. Even if you end up at the Hague?

Police chief: Even if I end up at the Hague.

Security advisor: So shall I tell his Excellency that you would like to step down?

Police chief: Of course not. This is Africa where nobody resigns. Tell him that our hands are tied, we need some little authority to clamp down with force on thugs. There is no other way.

Security advisor: I can tell you he won’t be happy about that. Anything else?

Police chief: It also helped when I had control over what crime the media could report and how it was reported. You know these reports cause panic and make us look bad.

Security advisor: Again we can never go back to that. All efforts to put the media on a leash have failed. Besides even if the media keeps quiet there is always that silly Kumekucha site. That chap has informants everywhere.

Police chief: How many people read that stupid site?

Security advisor: The problem is that the International community does and more Kenyans than you realize.

Police chief: Then I can tell you that it will always be very difficult for anybody holding this office that I hold.

Security advisor: I have to run. I have two more meetings before the president wakes up. My parting advice is that you should think out of the box and you need to do it urgently.

Police chief: Okay. But I have always done that haven’t I?

Security advisor (hurriedly departing): Keep me informed.

P.S. On other matters, I need to ask a question. Is it true that Africans are generally more resistant to the dreaded Swine flu? What most people don’t realize is that the unfolding scenario is a nightmare-come-true for many virologists who for years have feared a worldwide outbreak just like this. You can’t stop it as long as International travel continues. But it seems the penetration level in African countries has been extremely low. Those who are religious will say that it is the mercy of God (and I would agree) because surely we are just too ill equipped to deal with a full blown out-break of this thing within our shores.

One of my informants in Kenya says that he overheard in a matatu this morning a smartly dressed lady asking why the person with Swine flu was not deported immediately to solve the problem. It is clear that Kenyans know very little about the Swine flu.


M-Pesa said...

I have a feeling that due to rampant crime by hardcore thugs who are armed with machine guns throughout Kenya, international agencies like UNEP may relocate away from our blood soaked streets.

A new crime wave that has become popular recently is kidnapping for huge ransom especially in leafy suburbs. Another is bogus cops in full police uniforms preying on their victims near banks and accusing one of belonging to illegal gangs like Mungiki before making an "arrest."

One ends up being robbed in Karura Forest or ghettos like Githurai or Mukuru before being freed with stern warning not to report the matter. You can also be "detained" for days while the crooks empty your bank accounts.

Hint: The only difference between the bogus cops and real cops is easy to note. Bogus cops are actually more gentle and friendly!!

M-Pesa said...

Even the poachers are back with a bang according to the press. Masai Mara has been invaded by the dreaded poachers who are after the endangered Black Rhinos and boy aren't they having a field day.


Mungiki battles Kwekwe Squad.

Lucy Kibaki battles Security minister Saitoti.

Hawkers battle City Askaris.

Pirates square it out with our Marines.

Alshaaab threaten to annex Kenya.

Ugandans steal our Migingo.

Kinuthia (AP) battles Gen Ali (police)

PNU battles ODM

Civil Society battles the Govt.

Uhuru battles the bottle.

And Kibaki battles his sweet sleep...

Hata afadhali siku za Mo1.

Anonymous said...

If Kibaki cannot hold the fort in his own household, how the hell do we expect him to hold the fort that is Kenya?

Anonymous said...

multiparty elections in a peaceful environment is the way forward'

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Ministers walk out of ODM meeting

How disrespectful! The rt PM should fire all of them. PNU has bought them. Bure kabisa.

Anonymous said...

Chris what scares the government is that your hypothetical scenarios is what actually happens in reality at the big house behind closed doors. you know they're still shocked tape-recorders are nowadays made compact?and fit into pockets for ease of comfort JG style live recordings

crooks should never be any match for security apparatus of any country.crime can never be gotten rid of however when it becomes a losing battle with the criminals winning its obvious something is wrong with those charged to protect lives and properties of their citizens

Mama said...

This rising insecurity in Nairobi is 'Ali-made' he is trying to cover his arse at the telling us that without his extra judicial means, there cannot be security in this country.

Anonymous said...

I think Obama should do something about these writings above. Afterall, the PM helped him by throwing Corsi out when he came here with his seditious book. Its time he reciprocated. The PM should not be disrespected.

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Anonymous said...

July 1, 2009. The Independent, London

Eighteen months after East Africa's island of stability was brought to the brink of civil war by the fallout from a stolen election, there is a temptation to assume that if the country is not burning, it must be healing. That would be wrong, according to the annual index of failed states, issued yesterday, which put Kenya in the critically failed group, one place below Burma.

Anonymous said...

Land Holdings in Kenya

1. Kenyattas--> 745,000 acres

2. Mois --> 125,000 acres

3. Njonjo --> 100,000 acres

4. Mathenges --> 75,000 acres

5. Kibakis --> 75,000 acres

6. Karumes --> 60,000 acres

7. Kairus --> 55,000 acres

8. Mahihus --> 36,000 acres

9. Koinanges --> 33,000 acres

10. Nyachaes --> 27,000 acres

This in and of itself tells you why so many Kikuyu peasants and other Kenyans remain squatters or landless.

Hopefully Agenda 4 will take a close look at ALL land allocations from the colonial era to the era of Jomo Kenyatta, the greatest thief ever in the history of the African continent, whose only equal as a hyper thief was one King Leopold II.

M-Pesa said...

Breaking news: Muthaura now flown to South Africa for urgent medical attention. This comes after denying that his situation was getting worse. My beef is- why not build a world class healthcare in Kenya? All that we need is for everyone to pay tax!

Mama said...

Wolololo, what does one do with 700,000 acres of land? That is just greed!

Mama said...

I am not sure about the world class healthcare facility within our borders given that our doctors RAN away when that girl entered the AAR sarit Centre healthcare facility Friday last week.....What pray tell would be the point of spending billions of cash when there are no doctors to treat you?

M-Pesa said...

These land grabbers will eventually realise that what matters in the very end... is just a piece of land enough to accommodate a coffin!

Mwarang'ethe said...

There exists a need to NATIONALISE all land in Kenya, and thus, abolish private ownership of land or, landed property if we are going to have genuine peace.

Anonymous said...

Yes, nationalize everything, why stop at land? Then we'll be even more peaceful and equal and happy.

Anonymous said...

With the trend in globalization and world economic markets, one wonders why someone would want to own 700,000 acres of land let alone 1,000 acres unless you are rancher/large scale farmer?

This archaic way of thinking is what is landing we as Africans in a lot trouble. In this modern era of technology and a globalized world economy, land is not the way to build sustainable wealth. How many acres of land to the like of Buffet, Gates, Winfrey own?

Anonymous said...

rename this site to bitter ODMorons sulking after losing an election.... Poleni.. 2012 is coming , polish up your kamba insults for the stretch 2012-2017. lol stupid people.

Anonymous said...

There are things that we normally don't want to talk about but let me talk about today.

Yes, that Kikuyus are thieves is an ethnic stereotypes, however it is widely known that many thieves in Kenya come from the same tribe. Ha.

Now the problem is that in countries like Southern Sudan, Uganda, Tanzania and Rwanda they realised that cases of fraud or theft among Kenyans come from mostly people from the same tribe - Kikuyus!

I apologise to all Kikuyus who will be hurt by this statement but forgive me, its true.

I've personally come across Ugandans, Tanzanians, Rwandese who have told me that they don't trust Kikuyus and therefore they can't do business with them - that Kikuyus will steal from them. Yes, it's a stereotype that has gone beyond the national borders.

This is the story that has made me to tell the truth.

I haven't gone to find out deeper but what I know is the people being targeted and who are believed to be the cause of insecurity in GOSS. After the killings of 7 Kikuyu gangsters in Tanzania two years ago, that mentality among the Tanzanians towards Kikuyus was reinforced further. In Rwanda it's the same.

Unfortunately, unlike in Kenya where they belong, in these countries they have a right to evict them, maybe that's what GOSS in doing, especially those who are hawkers.

So for you innocent Kikuyu what will you do in order to remove this mentality from not only Kenyans but also Uganda, Tanzania and Rwanda?

Anonymous said...

"In this modern era of technology and a globalized world economy, land is not the way to build sustainable wealth."

It is actually, might depend on its quality. Just look at the expansion of biofuels (for energy security, clean energy as an adaptation to climate change), the incentives to investors and the levels of investment from the US, EU, World Bank and so on and you will realize that there is a LOT of value to holding a LOT of land. Biofuels now traded in futures markets too. It is a bonanza. For now. I could do with 700,000 acres!

Anonymous said...

"So for you innocent Kikuyu what will you do in order to remove this mentality from not only Kenyans but also Uganda, Tanzania and Rwanda?"

I care not. But I will jealously guard my own personal reputation over which I have full control.

You have assumed that the Kyuks in those countries are acting on their own?

Anonymous said...

Military can be used to crack down criminals. Whereas the policement are overworked the military is idle.

They should be send to neighbourhoods to patrol.

Ala! Or maybe it's them who are terrorising wananchi?

Anonymous said...

That is why it is incumbent for Lands Minister Orengo to dust out the files and open EVERY single land transaction since independence. No ONE, and I mean NO ONE should be left untouched.

My posting above @12:07 AM is just the beginning.

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