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Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Raila And Ali: Men Of The Month March

Gosh this year is really flying, is it not? Easter is already here with us and yet it was just the other day that we were toasting the brand new year.

Well the month of March did not prove to be the ides of March for the Grand Coalition government but then May beckons. But that is not the subject of this post.

I would like to honour two exceptional gentlemen for what they did in the month of March and I will start with the right honorable Prime Minister Raila Odinga. In the month just ended two days ago, Raila started making noise about his salary and rejected any suggestion that he should be paid the same as the Vice President. In fact he said that he would rather do without a salary than get paid what the VP is being paid.

Now we all know how hard working the PM is. After all he also made history in the month of March by issuing a state of the nation address to the press. Phil of Kumekucha tells us that no other Kenyan leader has ever done that before. So why should the prime minister be paid the same as the VP when he is making history and working so hard?

We are also aware that over 10 million Kenyans are in danger of starving and some may even die as a result of hunger-related complications. However that has absolutely nothing to do with the Prime Minister’s pay. The commentator here in Kumekucha who suggested that all leaders from President Kibaki should take a salary cut in these hard times must have been clean out of his mind. HOW??? How do our hard working leaders end up NOT being paid? What does it matter if a few Kenyans die of hunger? I mean Kenyans are dying all the time from Aids, cholera and stupidity of all kind. So what is so special about now? Ashindwe!!!!

Obama, Odinga, Oliech!!!

I mean lets face it Kenyans have to learn how to respect the office of the Prime Minister after all he is one of the principals. The people of this country really have a lot of matharau I mean how do they expect a whole Prime Minister to operate from a toilet office? Why are people opposed to the planned, almost Kshs 1 billion office for the PM in the former Shell House? Does it matter if Raila is the last Prime Minsiter Kenya will ever have? (Indeed he should be because no politician in Kenya compares to Agwambo. Not even Tom Mboya comes close). Besides the PM’s office can later be turned into the President’s office so Agwambo does not have to move because surely there is nobody else who can be president of Kenya. Is there?

We need reforms badly and we need a new beginning and the youthful 64 year old ODM captain (who is also a serious soccer fan which emphasizes his young age) is the only man who can deliver the much needed change as he has already proved during his short stint as PM.

Kenyans need to give the grand coalition government more time to do their thing. After all poor leaders cannot help the people. We need leaders with cash bulging out of their pockets and literally oozing out of the ears to give the much needed handouts to the people during their meet-the-people tours, especially around election times.

Kudos our beloved PM you are a great inspiration to the country kicking up a storm about your salary at a time like this.

Did you know that you can get a nice clean hotel with hot water, DSTV and all kenyan channels, balcony for two at only Kshs 1,800? Unbelieveable? See for yourself.

Our other man of the month is a man that the PM has vowed to deal with. It is none other than Maj gen Hussein Ali himself. The man earns this accolade for defending the honour of the police at all costs. His performance was at its’ peak during the troubles at Kenyatta University at the end of last month. When journalists asked about the student who was shot, the police commissioner fired from the hip and without thinking just like his kwekwe squad wild-west-shoot-out-heroes. Shoot first and ask questions later, is the motto that has helped Ali’s force literally wipe out violent crime. After all we all know that Kenya is much safer these days than before Ali. The tough soldier has just scared almost all criminals out of existence. “It is just a matter of time before the remaining ones are dealt with,” as the good commissioner is always telling us. Kenyans have to understand that if a few innocent people die in the process, this is no big deal. After all more lives are saved in the end by the police eliminating those murderous thugs.

Ali, Kwekwe, Jelimo: Bringing thugs to a speedy meeting with their maker

Anyway as I was saying, in answering questions from the press Ali denied any shooting even before the journalist had finished asking his question. The fact that later he changed his position and said that he would investigate if any policeman actually fired live ammunition at the students is neither here nor there. Ali also strongly denied that his officers had raped anybody after all the GSU are known to be self respecting eunuchs who are incapable of raping anybody. If rape actually did take place then the students probably raped themselves or were raped by other students.

Congratulations Maj gen Ali for protecting your officers from false accusations.

Warning: This was a tongue in the cheek post. Please do not make comments about how Chris has been bought by Raila and Ali

P.S. I have said here before that I think the guys at Safaricom led by Michael Joseph are just brilliant. If you still doubt this, sample the latest innovation from Mr Joseph and his boys (and girls). The cell phone service provider giant has now entered the business of giving unsecured loans and are set to make a killing doing it with no bad debts to talk of. Okoa Jahazi is a new service that has been launched today where subscribers can borrow airtime of upto Kshs 50 and pay back within 72 hours. Of course all this is recovered the next time you load airtime into your phone. The fee for doing this is Kshs 5/-. What this means is that Safaricom will be earning 10% interest on the millions of small loans they will be dishing out. Please note that this is NOT 10% annual interest but 10% on each loan. WOW!!! Even the small loans kings at Equity must be going green with envy.

P.S.2 Two days ago I wrote here about a very innovative new service for tracking your stolen mobile phone. Some people thought that it was an April fool’s prank. IT WAS NOT!!! The service actually exists right here in Kenya and you can find out more HERE. The post by Taabu about Ali’s firing was the April fool’s prank which some of our readers actually fell for. Somebody called me very excited to confirm what he termed as the best news he has heard in a long time. It broke my heart that I had to disappoint them with the bad news that it was NOT true.


M-Pesa said...

So Raila who was "saved" the other day by a juju priest wants a pay which is higher than that of VP? Well, my free advice to his erstwhile friend one Francis Muthaura is simple. Pay Raila a good salary which is 5 bob more than that of Kalonzo. Now that will be higher and will shut up that big hole on his face!

Anonymous said...

Raila is impotent,physically and politically!!

chola said...

Raila was it for money or Kenyans, in you constitusiocy children eat ugali with salt

Anonymous said...


Unless Kalonzo does something very stupid between now and 2012, HE WILL BE THE NEXT PRESIDENT of the Republic of Kenya. Also, it will be during his presidency that Kenya will achieve a 15% growth rate.

Let those who have ears hear and those with brains understand that rivers change courses, and the BIG one will join the SMALL one in 2012 in order to reach the ocean.

Anonymous said...

chris you are destroying what you built. if you have nothing to write home just shut up. Bashing Raila will not increase kk readership.
A little objectivity is what makes interesting articles sir.

Anonymous said...


I don't understand how Raila, a full-grown-up man goes around singing without shame that other men are undermining him. Is it common in Luo culture or is it an isolated case of a man who never out-grew his adolescent years?

Anonymous said...


what's so special about Raila that Chris should not point his faults???

toa upuzi wa jaluo raila worship hapa kk kubaff!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Hehehe and I was wondering why I cant see it in the news, I thought it was exclusive or something. You guys got me!!!

As for Raila, he proves one thing!the more you threaten the better you are at your job, good work on this.

I am sure if someone took a performance appraisal of Raila versus Kibaki, they would probably find Kibaki has seen more results, as slow as he can be at times.

We need to change the status Quo, electing someone purely through harambee spirit (subject to strict controls of course). Someone who is the underdog, our David for the Goliath we call current coalition government.

If they wont tow the line, we will make them, as some one with a big interest in political affairs at home, I am sure it can happen, many of us would like to actually do something at home.

Anonymous said...

Kenyans in London are invited to a dinner at the residence of H E High commissioner tonight in honour of President Barack Obama.

Time: 18.30hrs
Dress code: Dress to kill (evening wear)
Venue: Kenya High Commission residence Hampstead Garden
Entry: Free

See you there!

Andruid said...

"Does it matter if Raila is the last Prime Minsiter Kenya will ever have?"

Una Hakika hiyo ni ukweli kijana?

Both the Bomas and Kilifi draft provide foa a 'prime minister' so if by some stoke of luck the wierd hybrid the political class are planning to foist on us gets implimented the toliet office will stay past 2012 and probably last the nexy 20-30 years we waste demnding yet another constitution when we discover the hybrid is not a cure for all our problems

Vikii said...

Kanoo, did you just notice the 'lack of objectivity' now that Raila's faults are being exposed? Well, I'll tell you this; You are a whole three years late!

As for the salary nonsense Obama's cousin is obsessed with, does his thick skull even understand that Uhuru Kenyatta and Musalia Mudavadi are quiet about their not being paid that extra allowance commensurate with their additional duties? These people's salaries should be determined by Parliament, a parliament they control OR by the Parliamentary Service Commission. Muthaura is only stepping in to help cry-babies who lack both the knowledge and the maturity to help themselves.

One Wife Man said...

Chris aka Chris,
name one stupid thing Kenyans are dying all the time from?

Anonymous said...

Whilst we squabble the rest of the world moves on.check this out:

Anonymous said...

Is Raila born again for real?

Anonymous said...

very interesting reading!!

Taabu said...

How DARE U use the patented EUNUCH without express permission? You better do lest you meet the owner in court.

Anonymous said...

who is the dark man sitting in front of the handsome POTUS?

Anonymous said...

Tongue in the cheek post indeed. Your SARCASM stinks to high heavens. Give Raila a break and stp seeing his ghosts everywhere.

Anonymous said...

First of all Bomas and national accord have all one thing in common. Raila Odinga, so when we see prime ministers positions being dreamt up it is clear that Raila wanted it to be put into the constitution really badly.

Second of all, if we have a prime minister, he should be elected by the public, he should be given subtstantive powers, but should be given only enough to act as a check and balance on the presidency.

Three, the ministries created for the national accord should be disbanded as soon as we elect the new government for 2012.

We should have a council, that is made up of a representatives of each tribe and arepresentative for demographic groups, also elected by the public, but their tenure is only for 2 and a half years. They will be allowed a vote on matters to do with land distribution, local government, local funding, and they will be the accountable heads of their tribes.

We should have provincial commisioners either appointed by the public, or appointed by the legislature. They should be the administrative body of their province, and should be part of a provincial government, which does the day to day running of the province, through budgets allocated by the central government.

They should have autonomy to maintain and bid for projects, and keep a good portion of their revenue.

Basically, have a prime minister and decentralise everything, or dont, and remain with just the presidency.

Anonymous said...

anon @6:24am:
GREAT thinking. THANK YOU.
Anyone else with some ideas that we can debate?

Anonymous said...

kenya is a rotten country with rotten leaders where the law of the jungle opeerates, survive for the fittest the last man left standing will be the winner

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