Dear Mr President,
I have watched with mounting alarm as your party stares defeat in the face in the forthcoming polls and I have decided to send you this valuable advice that I assure you will save the situation.
My name is not important but I am one of the key people in former President Moi's think tank that helped him stay in power for 24 years. If you ask your dad he will tell you that this man called Moi, who speaks English falteringly and with the wrong accent outsmarted your guys several times including your dreaded CIA in all your efforts to get him out of power in the 90s. I was one of the main reasons for that stunning success against great odds. I am sure your CIA people know me very well. In short, I have plenty of practical experience in these matters and you should therefore take my advice with all the seriousness it deserves.
Mr President the really alarming thing here is that I see that Obama Mujaruo making it into that State House in Washington that you call the White House and throwing your party into the political cold maybe for 8 long years. I am sure you guys do not want this. You must therefore act decisively Mr President and you must act now.
My first suggestion is that you appoint our very own Mr Samuel Kivuitu to be the chairman of the Electoral Commission of America (ECA). Mr President, this is the only man I know who can announce the loser as the winner and still keep a straight face. What is more is that he can even throw in a joke at the moment of the theft. Tell me Mr President have you ever heard of a thief who cracks jokes as he robs a whole nation blind? I therefore wholeheartedly recommend this man to help you keep the democrats out of your 'State House'.
This man will be key in your strategy to rig out Obama and the Democrats because no earthquake will make him resign. Even the so-called pressure from your media across the country will be nothing to this man. He will simply ask CNN correspondents who ask him to resign whether he has killed anybody. What is more, Mr President, after his great success with Obama's relative here, the young senator will be a breeze for him. I need not remind you that in this game you need strong people and Kivuitu is as strong as they come, a man who despite invoking the name of God has no conscience whatsoever.
I know I am writing this to somebody who understands something about election rigging. Mr President, I am sure you remember a man called Al Gore and I am sure you also remember the decisive vote counting in a certain state where your relative was the big man then. My point is that you must now do the needful for the Republican political party otherwise things may get out of hand. I am sure you do not want to see your beloved America flooded by the Senator's fish-eating relatives from Africa. Your own CIA will confirm what deadly disease is prevalent in that area where the senator's relatives come from.
Bottom line Mr President you badly need this Kivuitu guy to save the day.
P.S. Mr President have you thought of going for a third term? I am aware that the son of Bin Laden has given you many sleepless nights and has really made you age quickly in your brief 8 years tenure in office, but you need to face life like a real man because you have a lot of unfinished business like the Iraq thing and even capturing Osama. Why not organize to change the law and run for a third term? Si your predecessor, a man called Franklin D. Roosevelt got elected so many times and even died in office? Why not you? I sense there are many Americans today who know how tough you are and who wonder what will happen to the country without you at the helm. In case you are interested in a third term (which I strongly recommend) please give me a shout and I will email you another valuable dossier on how you can do this in 4 easy steps. Nothing is impossible in politics and I can tell you that we are organizing a similar move for our Njamba down here. (opps, I meant our man down here).
Warning: This is a tongue-in-the-cheek post